Page 76 of The Lies Always Told

“Tomorrow,” he whispers with a soft smile.

TWENTY-THREE

GUT FEELING

Shakeit Out by Glee Cast & I Know The End by Phoebe Bridgers

Nellie

Dayfour of waking up regretting my choices from the day before—coffee in hand, sitting on my office couch, and thoughts swirling in my head. I wish I could just erase that man from my thoughts. I can’t keep up with the back and forth and my erratic emotions all over the place. He couldn’t make up his mind, but now he has?I was scared, Nellie.But what if he truly is scared, and that’s why he pushes me away? What if that’s what’s been going on all along?

All I can think about is Gus and how he makes me feel alive. How he makes all the colors brighter. How he holds space for me. How he makes me feel safe.I was scared, Nellie…

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

Nellie, you clueless, clueless girl.If I just stopped being overlyemotional and reactive over things for a second, I would have noticed everything he was communicating with me. I thought he wasn’t telling me things, when in reality, he has been saying so much with his actions. He thinks in songs and communicates with deeds. The trips, the space, the rings. The physical input I’ve needed. The way he has made me feel.Safe. He has made me feel safe, and he was just scared. What happened, Gus? Why are you scared?

Please, let me talk.

Not like this. I want to tell you.

Please let me explain.

God, I’m so stupid. If I would just have stopped and listened. What else has he shown me with actions and not words? The car? The songs? Has he been communicating through music too? Through time spent with me? He’s given me so much, and I have, what? Freaked out and not even let him talk?

What changed, Gus? What happened? I need to call him. I need to talk to him. He said after school today, so maybe I just need to wait and give him this one thing he asked for. A chance to explain.

The feeling comes back, that nagging sense that something’s wrong, something’s off. I finish my coffee in silence, hoping the taste of comfort will bring me some clarity to what this feeling is. Maybe it has been looming over me because, deep down, I know something is going on with Gus.

Maybe that’s not all. I can’t put my finger on why I feel like that, but it does. I set my food and bag on my desk and plop myself into the plushie chair I use by my desk. I keep the cup between my hands, as it warms my fingers and keeps me centered on the moment.

There’s a faint knock on my door, which is odd, considering first period already started. I set my coffee down and open the door. On the other side stands Cody, his usually bright face drained of color. He’s trembling, his handclutching the door frame as though he might collapse any second. His large frame looks smaller than ever, and his eyes are heavy with something I can’t quite describe.

“Cody?” I ask, as if I don’t know exactly who he is. He looks so sad. So distraught. So shaken.

He walks in, closes the door behind him, and stands there, frozen for a moment. And then it comes—his voice, small, shaking, unsure. “I…I didn’t have breakfast.”

Okay? I mean, I have food here, but the school also offers breakfast. “It’s okay. You know you can always find food here.”

He still stands, unmoving. This is more than just missing breakfast. His eyes stare into space, glossing over and unblinking. He’s here, but his mind is definitely someplace else.

“Cody, honey, do you need to talk?”

He keeps looking past me, as if I’m not here. My heart skips a beat.Something’s wrong.“And my parents…they were screaming at each other again.”

Oh, sweet boy. We’ve talked almost every day for weeks, and this is the first time he mentioned his parents. “I’m sorry. How can I help?” I keep my distance but step aside in case he wants to come in and sit down, but he doesn’t.

“They screamed all night, so we didn’t sleep. We didn’t eat dinner. Plates were shattered all night. We didn’t sleep.” Okay, but this is more than just parents arguing. He’s making no sense. I try to grab my journal from the table so I can take notes, but his eyes snap to it, and he takes a step back. Okay, got it. No writing. He waits. He takes a deep breath and finally raises his eyes to look at me. His pretty eyes look tormented right now.

“My brother dropped me off at school today, but he seemed, I don’t know,off. He didn’t sleep either. He didn’t eat. Do you think he has a Ms. Thompson at the high school who can feed him?”

My heart. “School will have breakfast for him.” It’s theonly thing I can think of saying right now. I can feel tears reaching my eyes, but I can’t let them out now. Now, I get to be strong for him and ask questions so I understand what’s going on, so he can keep sharing.

“Off? You said your brother was off. What do you mean by that?” I lean forward, my heart catching in my chest.

He nods, eyes wide with something I can’t quite place. “Yeah. Distant. Like he wasn’t even there, you know? He was hugging his backpack like…like it was all he had left. Even between him and the steering wheel.” His voice cracks slightly, but he quickly pushes past it, eyes on the floor. “He was hitting the steering wheel and saying weird things.” He shakes his head and continues, “He said weird things. All I could hear was him mumbling and then screamingI want it all to stop.I just want it all to stop.’”

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