Page 67 of The Lies Always Told

“Thank you,” he whispers from the door. I turn around to see him leave without another word. Weird.

“Hey Nellie.Someone’s here to see you,” Mom says from the other side of my door. It’s open, sothere’s no need to knock, but I’m not expecting anyone. After school, I went to swim at the local gym, and then I’ve been laying in bed ever since. It’s only 5:00 pm, but it feels a lot later, maybe because I’ve been in a constant loop of despair all day. Gus brought me coffee and breakfast to school and a note. For most people, that wouldn’t be a lot, but for me, it is, because that man could buy me whatever he wants, but he knows I’m not after his money. I care about him and his heart, and the way to mine is the same. Not through the fancy and flashy things, but through the smaller details. I want to be seen; the note, coffee and the sentiment behind it shows me that he sees me. Still, I’m not ready to just forget everything all because he thought of me once today.

“I hear you need an intervention,” Bee says walking through my door, and I have to blink twice to make sure it’s her. My mom smiles before closing the door and leaving us both here.

“Bee? What the hell are you doing here?” I leap off the bed and into her arms, almost tackling her to the ground.

“A little bird told me you’ve been a sad baby and needed your bestie fix.” Bee only lives an hour away from me, but her new job has had her traveling so much, I haven’t seen her since I moved back. She smells like strawberries and long nights talking about our lives. Damn, I miss her. “Stop choking me, you bitch. I’m too hot to die.”

I chuckle as I let her go and walk us both back to my bed.

“Nellie, don’t you think you’re too old to be living in your childhood bedroom?”

“I have zero desire to move anywhere by myself, and here, I don’t have to pay rent, so no.”

She rolls her eyes and sits across from me. “What’s going on with you and that hottie of yours?” We catch up on everything, and by the time I’m done, she has gone through every single emotion known to man. We video call Victoria at some point so she can be in the know with everything too. Victoria,being the emotional one, cries. I think she’s more shocked than anything. She’s hurting for me because she loves me, but she also understands why I’m in the predicament I am.

“So, as you two can see, I’m fucked either way. If I forgive him, I’m showing him that I’m okay with this freaking whiplash, but if I don’t, then what? I’m letting go of the man who has made me feel more than I’ve ever felt in my life? I feel safe with him, and no matter what my brain tells me, my body and my heart betray me.”

“Honey, that’s what love is,” Victoria says, like I don’t already know it.

“Do you know you love him?” Bee asks me, and I give her a dead stare.

“Yes. I thought I made that clear.”

“Does he love you?” Victoria asks, and Bee tilts her head to look at me.

“No. Yes. I don’t know. Maybe?” I shrug and toss my head back.

“Considering the call I got a few hours ago begging me to come see you? I’d say that man loves you alright,” Bee replies and lays flat on the bed.

“What am I supposed to do?”

“What do you want to do?”

I want calm and peace and quiet. I want companionship. I also want a rush and butterflies in my stomach. I want to feel it all. I want everything I had this summer with him, parallel with the life I’m building now. But I don’t say any of that. “I want to be happy.” Because in the end, it all comes to that—wanting to be happy.

“Does he make you happy?” Victoria asks, always the wise one.

“Not right now, he’s not.”

“Okay then. Make him suffer until he makes you happy again,” Bee shouts, and Victoria snickers. “No, I’m kidding. I think you just need to give him a chance to explain, babe.Maybe it’ll all make sense. And if it does, then be clear about your boundaries. Let him know he gets this one chance and nothing else.”

I nod and rub my temples. It’s exhausting. All of it. “Enough about me. Tell me about you two.”

“I’m fine. Just going through my last internship before applying for jobs,” Victoria replies.

“Are you still considering editing?” I ask. She is double majoring in English and Journalism, but she wants to edit mostly.

“That’s the goal. There are a couple of places in New York I want to apply. Bee, how’s work?”

“Perfect! I truly love it! I can’t believe I landed my dream job as soon as I finished college. I guess Nellie and I were lucky like that.”

“Nells, is your job everything you wanted?”

I nod and smile. I wish I could smile as brightly as Bee, but the reality is, this job is hard. “Yeah, but I didn’t realize how hard it actually is. There’s so much I want to do, but it’s hard with all the policies and the expectations. For example, I was working with the school psychologist on coming up with a plan for the students without housing, and in the middle of that, we had a code red drill. We knew it was a drill, but we’re not allowed to tell the students it is. Their reactions will probably haunt me forever. Not because they were afraid, but because they didn’t even bat an eye.”

“Code red is a lockdown drill, right? Like if there’s an intruder?” Victoria asks.

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