Page 61 of The Lies Always Told

I turn around to face him and lower my voice so nobody else hears me. “I’m not a toy, and I’m not playing games. You think you want me, but what you want is my body. I’m more than that. You had the chance to have my body and parts of me, but now, that time has passed. Now, you’re left with none of me. Excuse me.”

I try to walk past him, but he holds my arms and says, “Tell me something, Trouble. Have you ever felt like your heart is going to leave your body at any time? Because I have, twice… Once at seventeen, when I got diagnosed with my crappy heart, and again when you kicked me out of that cabin. Tell me…have you ever felt like that before? Have you ever felt the way you do when we’re together?”

He waits for me to answer, but when I don’t, he adds, “Tell me. Have you?” I shake my head. “Well, neither have I. I don’tfeelfor others. I don’tfallfor others. I wanted to be able to leave you alone. I wanted to say I could move on and forget you. God knows I’ve tried. But damn it, Nellie, I can’t. One touch of your lips, and I should’ve known. I lied to myself. I got scared and pushed you away. Again.”

He says his heart leaped out of his chest three weeks ago? I’m sure mine is out of my body. Walking alone. Getting crushed and healed by his words, just for him to crush it again when he gets scared. When he shuts down and pushes me away. I can’t do this.

He must see the hesitation in my eyes, because he continues, his voice softer, stopping me in my tracks. “I lied because I thought that’s all we were pretending to be, but considering how I can’t stop thinking about you or seeing you every time I close my eyes, or smelling your scent on my pillow, on my bed, in my home… Considering how much I like it, considering how much I miss you, you were never that. I couldn’t keep lying to myself, Nellie. I tried to keep you at bay so I don’t hurt you, but the lies I always told myself were beyond what I thought I could keep you from. You ended up getting hurt in the crossfire, and distance wasn’t going to fix it.” I stare him in the eyes, searching for the bluff, but I can’t find it. He’s telling me the truth, but I can’t think straight right now, so I shake my head.

“I was wrong. You’re so much more, and calling you my fuck buddy earlier was definitely stupid of me. I’ve realized if you push, I push back, and that’s a tough habit to break. Notan excuse…just, fuck, please, Nellie. Give me another chance. Let’s talk when you’re sober, please. I have more to explain, but I can’t do it like this. Please. I’m begging at this point. Pleading. If you just give me the chance, I’ll be honest about it all, even if it’s scary,” he says, his eyes an intense midnight stare.

“I have to think about it,” I mumble, crossing my arms over my chest.

“What do you want me to do? How can I show you I know I fucked up? How can I show you I’m ready for more?”

“Everyone out there is going to know if you don’t go,” I snap at him, looking up and seeing his grin. Stupid, handsome jerk.

“No! You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to come here and look handsome and shit and say things like that after you basically told me we were only going to sleep together, only to then chase me and tell me you actually wanted to get to know me. Then, you said we were fuck buddies, but ten minutes later, you want me again? You need to get your shit in check before you ask for another chance.” He looks so sad, so lost, and I feel like a bitch about it.

No, I’m standing my ground.

“You say you’regonefor me? Prove it. You say you want another chance? Earn it. I want you to grovel, Gus. I want you to do more than tell me you want more. Show me you do. Until then, goodbye.”

I walk past him, and this time, I’m successful. I find Allie standing a few feet away.

“There you are. Cara was looking for you. Is everything okay?” She looks between us, waiting for one of us to answer, but I’m not giving Gus the chance to say anything.

“Yup. We had one of those moments when I tried to go right, and so did he, and when I tried to go left, he did too. It’s just awkward but all good. Where’s Cara?” I ask, trying to play it off as nonchalant.

“Outside. She said to meet her out there when you’re ready.”

“Thanks for the lovely day, Allie.” I hug her, and she smiles at me.

“Always, sweet girl. Please come next Sunday. You’re always welcome here.”

“We’ll see. Thanks again.” I walk past her and wave goodbye to the rest of her friends, all still laughing and talking, with no clue about anything else going on.

It’s both a blessing and a curse.

NINETEEN

NOT MY FINEST MOMENT

¿Donde Está El Amor?by Pablo Alborán and Jesse & Joy & Un Beso by Aventura

Gus

You want another chance?Earn it.Nellie’s words echo in my head. They’ve been looping on repeat since last night. Abraham told me to get my shit together last week. He reminded me of a lot of things, but above all, how my spirit felt better when I was with Nellie, how I’m sulking now that we’re not.Sulking.The asshole. I feel bad. I should just let her go and stop trying to keep her in this endless back and forth. I know I’m not good for her, but I can’t stop thinking about her. I don’t think I want to either. I love her, of that I’m sure.

I’ve fucked so many women in my life. So many have come and gone, but none of them are her. None of them will ever be her. They were easy to forget. Nellie would be impossible. I meant it when I told her I don’t feel for anyone the way I feel about her. I don’t fall for women, but I fell for her.

Nellie has invaded all my space, all my thoughts, all my dreams. I can’t stop thinking about her. The specks of gold in her green eyes. The beautiful smile she shows me every time she catches me staring. The way my brain tickles at the thought of having a conversation with her. The few freckles on her cheeks. I can’t let go. The way her dark hair contrasts her fair skin. The way her cheeks turn rosy right before she comes. The way her pouty lips whisper my name before she unravels. The way my heart skips a beat just at the thought of seeing her.

I always fight for what I want. I fought for my business, and I didn’t stop until I got it. I just never thought a woman would ever be on the other end of that desire. Of that chase. Not any woman, though: Nellie. Carefree, obsessed with the ocean Nellie. Good listener and beautiful Nellie.

She wants me to show her I mean it, so I will. I made up my mind. I will fight until I get her back, and then I’m not letting go. I’ve been an asshole, but why? Because of fear? Maybe I just need to tell her that, and we can go from there. My thoughts are all over the place, but when are they not when it comes to her?

I walk through the office doors after being buzzed in at Baker Middle. It’s 8:00 a.m., and although some teachers are already here, school doesn’t start until 8:30. I hope she’s not here yet. The receptionist smiles at me when she sees me. “How can I help you?”

---