Page 59 of The Lies Always Told

“Cara’s been tellingme how you’ve been killing it at work, Nellie. I still can’t believe you’re old enough to work, let alone as a counselor,” Jake says. Allie and Jake—her now fiancé—host family dinners on Sundays at their place, and because the Zabanas don’t know how to do “just dinner,” we’re currently sitting in their living room, chatting, drinking, and enjoying each other’s company. Cara dragged me here today because, and I quote, “You’re too young and too hot to stay home alone doing God knows what instead of socializing like regular people.” So, here I am, socializing with her friends instead.

Allie and Jake’s housefeelslike a home. It’s welcoming, and even though I don’t want to be here, Gus doesn’t either, considering the expression on his face every time I look at him. I can’t just leave after they’ve been so hospitable. I’mplopped in the corner of the couch like a potato, just listening when I can and talking when I’m spoken to.

“How are you a counselor? You’re not even old enough to drink,” Roe, Cara’s other best friend, says. I feel eyes on me that are more than just everyone following along in the conversation, but I ignore them. I’m so fucking tired of people reminding me I’m young. I know I am. But I am not a child. I am a grown woman, and damn it, I just want everyone to stop mentioning my age.

“I’m old enough to drink now—” I lift my glass of wine, not even my first one of the day, “—but also? It’s not like it stopped the people at your bar from giving me drinks before.” Roe owns the local bar, Saddlers, and for years, she chased me out, saying she wasn’t going to suffer Cara’s wrath for serving her underage sister. Little does she know, Cara’s fake ID got me plenty of drinks when Roe wasn’t there.

I wink at Roe before continuing, “Areyouold enough to own a bar and fight drunk people who act like fools? Because you do, and you don’t hear me dismissing your accomplishments because of an arbitrary number.” I look over to the other side of the couch, where Gus sits, his eyes on mine. He flinches when he hears the backhanded comment I made about my age.

“I’m so tired of people assuming I’m less than because I’m young. Get over it, all of you,” I say, pointing at everyone. “I’m twenty-one, yes, but I’m also damn smart, and I’ve earned it all. You’re just acting jealous because you don’t have my brain.”

“Who the fuck pissed in your cereal?” Roe asks, and her boyfriend, Thiago or Santiago or whatever the fuck his name is, covers her mouth with his hand, dragging her to sit on his lap.

“Ignore this one, Nellie. She left her manners at home, apparently,” he says before I can scream at his perfect girl. We both roll our eyes at him.

“Does she even know what manners are?” I ask, and Allie almost spits out her drink.

“These two are the exact same,” Manny says, and Cara smacks him playfully on the arm.

“They are not. They’re just too sassy for their own good. Roe at least found Thiago to keep her cool, calm, and collected. This one needs the same,” Cara adds. Oh, sis, if only you knew.

I look at Gus as I grab the bottle of wine from the coffee table and top my glass off again.That could be you,I convey with my eyes. Then, I narrow them, wishing I could just say,but you act like a coward and can’t handle hard truths.I take another sip of this perfect wine and cross my legs, hoping for a change of topic.

“How about we move on from this topic?” Natalie says. Thank God. Natalie is also Cara’s friend; her daughter, Bella, goes to Baker Middle, so I see her often. Bella is the sweetest kid. She comes to my office a couple of times a week to check-in, and I’m pretty sure she’s actually checking on me. I don’t doubt for one second that Cara told Natalie, who told Bella, to check on me. Why? Because I haven’t been able to do anything other than eat, sleep, work, swim, and repeat. I’m exhausted by the time I come home, and I don’t want to do anything. Cara thinks I’m depressed, and rightfully so, because last time I was this much of a hermit, I was. But that was ten years ago, and now, I know how to cope, how to find healthy outlets. Reason 5678 why I’ve been swimming practically every day for the past two weeks since that day in the cabin.

“Nellie, are you joining us for book club?” Natalie asks, taking the changing of topics into her own hands.

“I’m planning on it. I read the book this weekend,” I reply.

“Yesss, bitch! I can’t wait. My heart broke into pieces, but it was so good,” Cara adds, and Roe rolls hereyes.

“No book club talk until Tuesday. Allie, have you picked a date for the wedding?” Roe asks, changing the topic again.

“Not really. We’re looking at venues and then picking a date around them.”

“How far out are you looking?” Natalie asks Allie. If I had a dollar for every time I looked Gus’s way today and he was looking at me, I would be able to pay for a vacation by now. I don’t think he’s stopped looking at any point tonight, and it’s making me warm and fuzzy. Damn the wine and damn him.

“As soon as possible,” Jake says, and Allie giggles. I’m brooding. I’m brewing. I’m boiling. I will burst if I don’t figure out how to stop noticing his eyes on me. Why in the world does he make me this fucking irrationally upset? Why do my emotions always heighten when I’m around him? Why can’t I keep my cool? His scent finds me over the rest. His quiet chuckle reaches my ears, and I know he’s containing his full and perfect laughter. I wish I could turn off the attraction, I wish I could turn off the love, but I can’t. So, in the meantime, I cover it with something else—anger. “We don’t know when. Why? Is there something you’d like to tell us?” Allie asks, looking at Natalie and smiling. I have a feeling that whatever is happening, Allie already knows, and she’s just probing.

Natalie looks to the side at her husband Nick, who’s sitting on a chair next to her. He holds her hand and says, “We would love for you not to have a wedding in February.”

“I mean, no, we wouldn’t want to do that. It’s too cold, and also, Valentine’s day. Nobody wants to get married on Valentine’s Day. That seems like making Cupid work overtime.”

I sit silently, looking at the entire exchange, reading everyone’s expression, trying to figure out what’s happening. Natalie seems nervous. Roe seems annoyed. Cara smiles. Whatever it is, she knows. There’s zero surprise behind her eyes. Manny is looking at Cara, and Gus is looking at me. I narrow my eyes at him, and he shows me his phone to signal he called memaybe. I look down at my lap and see I have a text message from him, but I don’t read it right away. I don’t want to miss whatever they’re about to tell their friends.

“Turns out, we will be having a baby then, and it would be kinda sad if the godfather missed out on it. That is, if he accepts. We figured the godmother should be there too, since her best friend would be getting married that day, if she accepts,” Natalie says, looking at Jake and Cara. Immediately, there are screams and squeals. The men start clapping each other’s backs, congratulating Nick and Natalie. Allie and Cara are both screaming at Natalie, happy tears in their eyes.

But me? I grab my glass of wine and drink it all in one gulp. I take the moment of wonderful chaos to look at my phone because I’m clearly a damn dark cloud now, not the sunshine I need to be.

DLS:

How am I supposed to sit here and pretend I don’t know what you sound like when you moan my name?

The absolute guts this guy has. I swear, I could fucking kill him if it wouldn’t put me in jail and wouldn’t put a damper on this celebration right now. I put my glass down and reply to his message while shooting daggers his way.

Me:

You lost the right to say shit like that when you told me I wasn’t good enough for you.

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