Page 57 of The Lies Always Told

“Taking me to a town where we don’t know anyone doesn’t count as seeing me in public, Gus. Are youthatashamed of me?”

“What? No, Nellie. I could never be ashamed of you.”

“Then what is it? What’s the excuse now? I know you like me. We have fun together. I love talking to you, and I think you like it too. The sex is great, so what is it? We waited for them to get their shit together, and they did, so good for us for being considerate. I don’t want to be considerate anymore. I want to be selfish. What. Is. It?” He holds his hands on his lap, intertwining his fingers and looping his thumbs over and over around each other. It’s his tell before Gus the business man comes out. I can count on one hand how many times I’ve seenhim do that, and every time is followed by serious and masked Gus, notmyGus.

“You’re just so young.” His shoulders are tense, his eyebrows furrowed. He looks as if he’s in pain. Is he hurting because I’m demanding the truth, or because he’s a gentleman and doesn’t want to hurt me? I’d rather hurt now than in six months, when my heart completely shatters because he refuses to keep me.

“Bullshit. Don’t play the age card on me. Not today.”

Gus lowers his eyes. “It’s not a card. It’s the truth. You have your whole life ahead of you, Nellie.”

“So. Do. You. You’re twenty-six Gus, not forty-six. You said you have a condition, not an illness. A condition you’ve learned to live with. I can learn more about it too. Did you lie about that? Are you sick, Gus? Because even if you are, I can handle it. Are you?” He shakes his head, closing his eyes tightly. “Then look me in the eyes and tell me why. Tell me.”

He looks at me, and the pain I feel is instant. I know that look. Pity. Goosebumps crawl over my skin as his sorrow-filled gaze holds mine. He searches my eyes for something.For what? What is it, Gus? Give me a sign, and I will give it to you. What is it you need from me?

“I don’t have a reason other than you have your whole life ahead of you, and you don’t need anything or anyone slowing it down. You should take the time to be wild and free, not be caught up in a relationship with me. The summer is over, and maybe we can slowly fizzle out. You can call me when you need me, and we can escape again if you want.”

“You want me to be your booty call?” I pace around in the room, ready to break something, ready to scream.

“Nellie, that’s not what I meant,” he says, getting closer to me and grabbing my wrist.

“Then what?” I snap, pulling my hand out of his grasp and slamming my fists onto my hips. His eyes lower to look at my body, and I scoff. “Eyes up here, Gus.”

“Sorry.” He looks mortified, and I should put him out of his misery, but fuck, if I don’t want to. He deserves to feel whatever it is he’s feeling right now.

“You know what I don’t understand? You could have had my body as much as you wanted, and it would have been fine. I would have fallen in love with you either way, because how can someone know you and not love you? But I wouldn’t have dared to hope for more. I would have given my body to you, but you told me you wanted to get to know me. You asked me to tell you what I wanted, and I told you I wanted your thoughts, your heart, your soul. You made me promise, and I meant it. You’ve watched me fall in love with you for two months now. And you were, what? Lying this entire time? You asked me about my darkest truth last night—is it too much for you? What happened to seeingallof me? Did you wake up and think you couldn’t do it? Did that phone call remind you there are better women out there for you? Older? Less wild?”

“Nellie.”

“Stop saying my name like that! Full stop!” The first tear falls. Damn it; I was holding it back. He doesn’t get my tears anymore. He doesn’t get my fears. He gets my rage. I snatch my shirt from the chair and slide it over my body. I walk to the closet and pull out a sweatshirt I always wear when I’m out here. I need to remember to thank Victoria for letting me come here whenever I want, but now, this place might be haunted. I won’t be able to come back here again and not think about this, about him.

“You could have had it all, Gus, if you wanted it. And if you never did, shame on you for letting me think the opposite.”

“Nellie, please let me talk.”

“No. I’m done. I’ve heard enough.”

“You haven’t heard anything! You haven’t stopped for a second to let me talk.” His voice is eerily quiet, eerily still.How is he able to keep his emotions so fucking contained? How is this not breaking him apart too?

“Will the words out of your mouth bewe will figure it out, Nellie?Or maybe,you got it wrong, Trouble? Orthere’s nobody else, Nellie?” He closes his mouth. I walk up to him, tears burning my eyes.

“You are a coward. You want to love me in secret, behind closed doors, and I deserve better than that. You were appalled when I called you my dirty little secret, and it turns out, that’s exactly what I am to you. You don’t get to have me when and where you want me, not anymore. Not after I’ve given you pieces of me I’ve never given anyone else. I’m done being your dirty little secret. Go ahead, prove me wrong.”

He doesn’t move. He doesn’t even flinch. My words must mean nothing to him.Imean nothing to him. My heart is about to leap out of my chest. Not for the reason it usually does when I’m near him, but the complete opposite. It’s breaking in the present tense, loud heartbreak thumping in my ears as my hopes disappear.

“You can’t because you know I’m right. But let me say one more thing. You broke this before we could see if we could make it work. You led me to believe we could beus,just to turn around and slap me with your words—or rather, your lack of them. And now, I’m done. I would like for you to leave.”

“How are you going to get home?” he asks, and I see red.

“You need to leave. You don’t care about me, so let me care about myself. Get out!” How am I going to get home?That’swhat he’s worried about?

“Get out!” I scream at him. I sound irrational, but I don’t give a fuck.

“I’m not leaving you here in this state.”

I scoff. “I don’t give a fuck about what you think you should do. I asked you to leave, so leave.”I stomp around him to the front door, grabbing his shoes and dropping them on the steps. “Goodbye, Gus.”

He walks out with his shoulders down, without uttering another word. It’s taking everything I have not to lose my shit, to not beg him to fight back. But it won’t happen, so this is the way it should go. This is the way it has to go.

---