Page 56 of The Lies Always Told

“So bossy.”

“When it comes to your well-being? Yes, I will be. Now, eat.”

“You’re never this pushy. Also, what time is it? I feel like I’ve slept for an entire day.” I look out the window, and it’s not morning sunlight coming through. The light is different, warmer. It’s that golden midday glow for sure. The sun’s rays filter through the trees, casting little dancing shadows across the wooden floor. I can feel the warmth of it on my skin, like a gentle reminder that the day has moved on without me.

“It’s noon.” I almost choke on my food. So I slept all night and half the day. That’s new, but I guess me squirting all over his hand after the longest, most intense orgasm of my life was new too. My body is sore in the best way, and my heart is both soaring and crashing.

“Well, I guess you’ve turned me into everything I never thought I’d be: a pleasure seeking girl who sleeps most days.”

“Sorry to break it to you, but I’m pretty sure you were pleasure-seeking before me, baby girl. I just learned to provide it.” He winks at me with his flashy smile and that glimmer in his eyes. He’s so beautiful, it hurts.

“What gave it away?” I take a bite of the prosciutto and the cheese. Provolone? Not sure. I sip on my coffee.

He looks at me intensely, melting the few defenses I had left in place. “For starters, the breathy sounds you make every time you like something. The way you close your eyes when you sip on coffee made just right. The way you press harder against my hands when I touch a spot you like, and no, not just there,” he adds, pointing between my legs. “Your thighs, your neck, even your shoulders. The way you sleep better when I wrap you tight in my arms or when you’re surrounded with pillows cocooning your body. It’s the way you moan softly at every lick or tease of my lips. You enjoy pleasure,as you should, and I enjoy giving it to you.”

“A perfect match,” I reply, and for some reason, that shifts his demeanor. I ignore it, pretending I didn’t read that micro expression, pretending I don’t know what it means. I’ve been terrified of asking him when we’re telling people about us. With me starting my job last week and kids starting Monday, my time sneaking around hiding a whole-ass relationship will need to come to an end. I need to bring it up. I can’t keep doing this, but subtle things like what just moved across his face make me doubt we’re even in a relationship at all.

I try to change the unspoken topic and bring some levity to the situation. “Gus? What was your favorite meal as a child?”

“Random question, but rice and eggs, why?”

“I would think it was Lunchables, considering you always make me charcuterie trays for food.”

He smirks, but the smile doesn’t reach his eyes. “It’s quick and easy. I don’t know how to cook–” He stops talking when his phone vibrates in his hand, and he mumbles a curse. “Sorry, I need to answer this.” He gets up from the side of the bed and steps outside.

Whoever it is, he doesn’t want me to listen, and it hurts a little. Here I am, thinking I’m ready to tell everyone about us, and he won’t even let me in on a phone call. Telling him last night to be careful because I was going to end up falling in love with him was a lie; I know I’m already in love with him. He listened so attentively as I poured my heart out for him. There are only a handful of people who know about the scars, about those dark years in my life, and he didn’t run. He stayed. He listened. He kissed each and every one as if I’m a treasure he needs to safeguard. I hate that I feel so much for him, and I can’t even tell himbecause of fear of losinghim.

It was our decision to keep us a secret, but it’s getting hard to contain. I’ve been lying to everyone about it. Lying to my family about him. Lying to my friends about how seriously gone I am. Lying to him about what I feel. Lying to myself,thinking I could hold off for much longer. My brain feels like it’s in overdrive from getting ready for my new job, feeling like I won’t make the difference I want to make because I’m too preoccupied with my love life, all the secrets, and the guilt that comes with it all.

“Sorry about that,” he says as soon as he walks in through the door and snaps me out of my thoughts. He looks completely different than when he left this room. His body is stiff, and he doesn’t say anything else. He just looks at me with his onyx eyes, darker now than ever, and then lowers them to avoid my gaze.

“What was it?” I ask, getting up from the bed and putting some clothes on.

“Nothing, but I do need to get back to town. I’m sorry, but I have to cut our stay short.”

“Why?”

He shifts a bit on his feet. “Nellie…”

I notice in the way he says my name. Something happened. It wasn’t just a hunch. It wasn’t just a guess. It’s a fact. It’s written all over his face. “What changed, Gus? You were here, and now you’re definitely not.”

“Nellie…” He whispers my name again, and I snap.

“Fuck, Gus. Just tell me. Just be honest with me. What was that about?” I swear, I’m about to lose my shit on this man. I laid out my heart and soul last night, and I thought we were finally getting somewhere.

“It’s just a work thing.”The motherfucker.He’s actually lying to my face.

“Bullshit. I call bullshit on that.” He finally snaps his eyes back to mine, and the same eyes that were soft and welcoming yesterday are intense and cold now. I wish I was like him. I wish I could just flip a switch and turn it all off. I wish I could just decide I don’t feel.

“Tell me I’m wrong, Gus.” He still doesn’t say anything.Coward. “You can’t, can you? Because I’m right.So tell me this: why is it that I have to lay my soul bare to you and show you into my heart, but you’re still not being completely honest with me? Why is it that you consistently keep me at arm’s length when all I want to do is dive deep?”

I’m tired of playing this game. I’m done with the secrets and the lies. Here it is, my heart on a platter for him, and I sure as hell hope he can guard it.

“Nellie…”Or not.

“No, no. Tell me, because I’m hella confused. All I’ve asked is for you to be honest with me. I’ve been patient. We agreed on keeping our relationship a secret until the timing was right, but it’s been right. How long after Cara and Manny got together do you deem it appropriate? How many layers of myself should I peel back before you deem me worthy? I started my job, and you, what? You stopped traveling as much as you used to so you could see me more often, but on what pretenses? You won’t see me in public?—”

His body stiffens, as if he’s ready to argue with me, but when my eyes dare him to say something, he doesn’t. Maybe it’s unfair because I also made the decision to wait, but nothing about his body language or his words tell me he is ready to love me out loud.

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