Page 46 of The Lies Always Told

DancingWith Our Hands Tied by Taylor Swift

Nellie

Cara got home last night.I heard her door shut late, and I didn’t want to bother her. I’m working at the diner today—like I do every summer—so I didn’t see her before I left. Her room is directly next to mine in our parents’ home, and she’s staying there too until she finds a place. She has an offer in on a house, but nothing is set in stone yet.

Growing up, our rooms were always like this, close enough that we could sneak around to talk, but the wall we shared didn’t just keep us from snooping on each other. It kept us apart. I love Cara, and I know she loves me, but we’re so different sometimes, it feels like we weren’t raised by the same people. Maybe we weren’t.

Our parents were young when they had her, and then they struggled for years to have me. Once they did, I was a little terror—their words, not mine—and they were tired. With Cara,it was trial and error and enjoying her bubbly personality. Everything was new, and they got to enjoy parenthood with her. With me, they were overbearing to the max because they wanted me for so long, and when I finally came, I scared the hell out of them with my brain and antics. They already knew what worked and what didn’t, and they knew how fast it all went, so they hovered all the time to make sure they didn’t miss anything. With my brain developing the way it did, there was no slowing down anything. Their favorite story to tell is when I was two, I stepped out of my play area speaking French. Not fluently, but it was definitely enough for them to question if I was having a stroke. Turns out, they let me watch a few videos with French in them because I would stop babbling and stare, and it stuck. They have hundreds of stories like this until I was diagnosed as gifted. Their “little genius”, they said.

Most people think being smart—or academically advanced, I should say—is a blessing, but sometimes, it just feels like it’s a burden, a hardship to carry. Sometimes, I just want to be Nellie. Not Cara’s little sister Nellie. Not little genius Nellie. Not too smart to become a counselor Nellie. I want to be seen for me. It’s one of the reasons I love spending time with Gus. I’ve never felt more seen, and I’m ready to fall for him out loud. Out in the open. Without restraints. Without barriers. Without secrets.

I know what I need to do. I need to talk to Cara. I need to tell her everything, and then we can talk about telling our parents. If anyone will understand, it’s her. I don’t actually think our parents will be mad or anything. We’re both adults, after all, but out of respect for their friendship with the Zabanas, we need to tell them. My shift is almost over, and I’ll go straight home so I can talk to her.

“Hey,Cara,”I say knocking on Cara’s half-open bedroom door. It’s quiet in the house, and it usually wouldn’t be a big deal if it wasn’t for the fact that I could hear someone sniffle—someone being a very sad Cara on top of her bed. “Hey…what’s wrong?”

Her eyes are puffy and red, and her green irises look glossy and sad. Her nose is red; judging by the pile of tissues on her nightstand, she’s been crying a long time. It’s almost 1:00 pm, so she might have been crying since this morning, and I don’t like it.

“Cara…talk to me.” I sit next to her on the bed and hold her hand in mine. Cara’s always been there for me, and I’ve never seen her this distraught. The very bare minimum I can do is push for her to share with me what’s going on. She’s usually pure sunshine, so it must be bad if she’s crying this hard.

“I’m okay… It’s just—” She sniffles between words as she shakes her head. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“With what?”

“Nothing. It’s nothing. Just go.”

“Cara, you can tell me. You can trust me. Whatever it is, we will figure it out. Do I need to call your friends? I’m sure they’ll be here in no time.”

“No!” she shouts, sitting up straighter and opening her eyes wide. “No matter, what don’t call them. I’ll be fine. I’m just a little sad at the moment.”

“Sorry to break it to you, but that many tears and that many tissues are not a little sad. Spill.” I take my shoes off and cross my arms over my chest. I mean business.

She takes a deep breath and blurts out the events of her entire trip, the three weeks she was road tripping with Manny before she starts her new life here. She talks for what seems like seconds, but in reality, it’s almost an hour, about how she started the road trip upset at him and ended it in love with him.

“I don’t understand what the problem is, Cara. You love him, he loves you, you can both live happily ever after.”

“He doesn’t love me,” she replies.

“I’m sorry to break it to you, my girl, but all of that—everything you just shared— shows me he loves you.” I have to stop myself from telling her Gus said Manny has been in love with her all his life. My plan to come clean and tell her everything about Gus and I went to shit the minute I saw her crying.

“What’s the worst that can happen, Cara?” It’s the same thing she used to ask me when I was little and didn’t want to take risks, mostly socially. We would play worst case scenario, and then she would make me promise I would at least try, because even the worst case scenario was better than not trying at all.

“I can’t compete with his work, Nells, or his lifestyle. I can’t offer him anything when he has it all. I can’t even offer him stability. I don’t want to start something that could mess up our families’ relationship you know? My friendship with Allie…that’s more important than the what if with Manny.”

How do I tell her I understand this so deeply? How do I explain this is exactly where I’m at…except it’s not how I might mess up my relationship with Allie, but with her? What if we also don’t work out? Or what if we do, and they don’t? What then? What a mess. But this isn’t about me; this is about her. I can set aside my relationship with Gus and be here for her. We’re already hiding it from everyone, so what’s hiding for a little bit longer? What is giving Cara and Manny the space they need to figure it out? I don’t want to keep sneaking around, but I want her to be happy too, and I don’t think if she knows about me and Gus, she’d go through with it. She wouldn’t tell Manny how she really feels.

“You don’t have to compete with his job or his lifestyle, and you have so much to offer. You just have to be you. Tell him how you feel. You clearly love him, so stop suffering. That assholeex of yours didn’t deserve your heart, but maybe Manny does. If anything, he’ll protect it more than you think. You deserve to give it a chance.”

“What if I mess everything up?” she asks, tears rolling down her cheeks.

“What if you don’t?”

Cara rolls her eyes. “When did you become so wise?”

“I’ve always been wise. You just never asked.” I lean forward and give her a hug, both of us collapsing on the bed. “I love you. You’re so, so easy to love, Cara. Let him love you.”

She rolls to her back, her eyes trained on the ceiling as she says, “Thanks, Nells… Enough about me. Tell me about you. What’s going on with your life?”

Oh, nothing. I’m just falling in love with your maybe-soon-to-be boyfriend’s twin brother, who happens to be our mom’s best friend’s son, who makes me feel more alive than anyone I’ve ever met, and I’m in so much trouble because I don’t even know how to come clean and tell everyone about us.Jesus, Nellie, get a grip.

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