Page 29 of The Lies Always Told

this isme trying by Taylor Swift&Homeward bound/home by Glee

Gus

No matterhow much trouble sleeping I may have, after an attack, it’s all I seem to be able to do. It drains all my energy, especially considering my body has to fight so hard just to keep me alive. My muscles hurt, my brain is foggy, the heaviness of it all weighs me down—there’s not much Icando. By the way the sun is shining through the window, it must be mid-day. I stretch and turn my head, but I don’t see Nellie anywhere. The gentle breeze flows through the open window, but all I hear are the seagulls squawking and the waves crashing on the shore.

The last thing I wanted was for Nellie to witness that. I don’t want anyone seeing me in that state, but I can’t imagine how utterly shocking it is to see someone becoming a human balloon right before your eyes, let alone without having detailson what’s happening. Walking out of the room, I see the glass double doors are open, the white curtains flowing in the wind. Behind them, far in the distance, standing by the water, is Nellie.

Her dark hair is in a loose braid falling down her back. A dark top with jean shorts frames her body and makes her skin glow under the sun. Her toes are in the water, but her gaze is somewhere in the distance. No matter how close to her I get, she doesn’t look anywhere else. She doesn’t turn her body around. She doesn’t move. She just stands there, toes in the sand, back straight, face held high.

“Good morning,” I say, my voice still hoarse and raspy after sleeping most of the morning. Nellie turns my way, and what I see breaks my heart in two: rosy cheeks, swollen, glossy eyes, and the saddest expression I’ve ever seen on anyone. Nellie is young, but she’s never looked as young as she looks right now. She looks fragile and in need of protection, and the internal beast that lives in me notices before I can use my brain.

“What’s wrong?” I ask her, closing the space between us and pulling her to me. She buries her face in my chest and wraps her arms tight around my torso. I bring my hands to her head, gently touching her hair in a soothing motion. I know better than to ask her to calm down, and I know better than to try and have a conversation. Sometimes, all we need is a good cry. All we need is to let the tears flow and cleanse whatever ailment is in our hearts, even if it’s not a physical one.

We stand wrapped in each other as I let her do whatever she needs—hit me, squeeze me, scream at me, literally anything she wants to do. I stand and wait. It could be seconds, minutes, or hours, and I wouldn’t know, because all I can think is how I need to be here for her no matter what.

She finally lets go of me, and after wiping her tears away,she looks up at me. Her beautiful green eyes reflect flecks of gold from the light and the tears.

“Thank you,” she whispers as another tear falls.

I bring my hand up to cup her face and wipe it away with my thumb. “Thank you for what, baby girl?” The nickname leaves my lips before I can hold it back. I don’t know if I have the right to call her that after yesterday’s events, considering she’s going back to her place tonight. After tomorrow, this little bubble will burst, and we’ll be back to regularly scheduled programming.

“For letting me use you as my human tissue box. What a mess.”

“You’re the prettiest mess. You can use me anytime you want.” She holds my gaze, keeping me both grounded and scared shitless about what has her so torn.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I ask, and she nods, holding my hand and dragging us back to the towel she has down on the beach. She’s fidgety. Her hands go from holding her elbows and squeezing her skin to her fingers picking at her cuticles. She opens and closes her mouth several times but doesn’t say anything.

“Say something, Nellie.”

“You scared me yesterday. I didn’t know what the hell was happening, and I don’t speak Spanish. I felt helpless, and that’s the last thing I ever want to feel. You kept me in the dark, and you could’ve died, Gus. I’ve been reading about HAE since before the sun came up, and let’s just say, I’m even more terrified than I was before.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I should’ve said something.”

“You think? God, Gus, what would you have done?”

“I understand why you’re this upset. I can’t imagine what that must have been like for you, but Nellie, this is not my first flare up, and it won’t be my last. It’s not too dangerous if I keep it under control. It usually is under control,” I add, trying to reassure her but also not sugarcoating it. If she’s beenreading about it, I’m sure she’s seen pictures and read the worst case scenarios.

“How quickly can someone die from it?” she asks, and I don’t reply. Something tells me she already knows the answer. “As little as four hours. Four hours, Gus, and we were in the middle of the ocean in a sailboat I didn’t know how to maneuver. What would you have done?”

“Send you swimming to shore? You’re a strong swimmer, remember?”

“Don’t you dare play with me right now. This is serious,” she spits with fury behind her words. She’s so angry, and I get it, but there’s nothing I can do now.

“I’m sorry. I deflect with humor. I understand you’re upset. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. To be honest, I usually don’t tell people. If I’m not attached to someone, they don’t need to know my body attacks itself. They don’t need to know that, at any given moment, I can have a flare up and swell like a balloon. They don’t need to know that even though I’m young, active, and happy, there’s a ticking bomb inside me that gets triggered easily. I’m sorry I kept you out of the loop, and I am so sorry I didn’t say anything when I knew I had not taken my medicine. I should have warned you. I should’ve given you more context, and for that, I’m sorry.”

She lets a couple of tears fall down her cheeks as she listens attentively. I hold her hand in mine and gently caress her soft skin. Even with the small, raised scars, it feels like heaven.

“I’m definitely sorry I scared you so much you decided to research instead of swimming on our last day here.”

“Ignorance is a bliss I don’t have the privilege to maintain. At least now, I’m informed, unlike yesterday.” I can see it in her eyes as she dances with turmoil. She looks hesitant. She doesn’t hold my gaze, challenging like she usually does. It seems like she’s ready to tell me something I don’t want to hear, and I don’t know how to fix it.

“Again, I’m sorry, Nellie. I am so sorry.” We sit in silence, looking at each other as the waves softly crash onto the sand. She tilts her head away from me to look at the waver. The tide is coming in, and the spot where we were standing before is underwater before I can say anything else.

“That’s how I felt,” Nellie adds, not taking her eyes away from the shore.

“How?”

“Like I was under the water with everything moving around me, both too fast and too slow. So helpless. So useless.”

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