Page 62 of The Compound

“And?”

I knew that this was my opportunity to make Sam understand, to try to get him to stay. I struggled for words, struggled with the enormity ofit.

“I wanted to be here because…there’s nothing else for me. I’ve tried that life—meaningless job, no money, feeling tiredall the time—and I’m not going togetanything from any of that. It won’t bring me any happiness. I got a gold necklace in here—look at it. Real gold! Just from talking to you! Do you know how long I’d have to work to earn something like that? And who wants to work anyway? If you make it to the end here, you can have whatever you want, and you don’t have to deal with all the other bullshit…I don’t have any real talent. I’m pretty, but not the prettiest. I’m not smart. I’ll never have a better opportunity than this.”

I scanned his face to see if he understood. My heart was beating so hard it bordered on being painful. He was facing away, toward the desert.

“You got a reward for talking to me?”

“A long time ago.”

“When? Which conversation?”

I felt a sort of heaviness settle over me. All of my inadequacies were rushing to the surface, all of my faults that I had tried to hide were now being revealed. “Near the beginning. When I tried to guess your job, and we argued.”

He nodded. When he turned, his face was grave.

“What are we doing here anymore?”

“You mean—us?”

“No, not ‘us’ as in our relationship. I mean why are we still here? Why are we still living here?”

“We’re waiting for the others to go.”

“Do you really think Tom will go?” I knew that Tom wouldn’t give up easily, but that was a problem I could deal with later.

“If we left, things would be different with us. I’d never see you.” I didn’t like to draw his attention to our life outside, where he would surely realize that it made no sense for us to be together. Here we were limited by the circumstances the producers placed us in. There, I was limited by my own lack of ability, my lack of drive and general feeling of apathy.

“We would, Lily. Of course we would.” He paused, seemingly confused. “Isn’t that what we’ve been working toward?”

I said nothing.

He looked around him, his face pinched in sadness. “Do you really want to live here, in this…wasteland?”

“It’s no worse than what’s out there! Is that what you want to go back to? Constantly living on the periphery of disaster, just waiting and waiting and waiting for it to finally reach us, doing stupid, dull work to pass the days until then? We’re safe here—we’re removed from all of it.”

“It’s still there, Lily. It’s still happening. You think that because we can’t see it, it’s not going on?”

“Don’t talk to me like I’m stupid.”

“There’s no actual future for us here—it’s just a twisted game. Christ—look at this place! I shouldn’t have let myself get so complacent—only I kept thinking I couldn’t leave you here, with Tom, and with everything. But now…Lily, I don’t think I can spend another night here!”

He was standing in a sandy patch of ground, where part of the desert had crept in. He looked like a statue, strong and tall and still. I had known that this moment was coming, but it terrified me just the same. “What’s brought this on?” I asked. “We were having a nice day, up until a few minutes ago.”

“I just realized that I can ask you personal questions, and tell you about myself, but I don’t know what to talk about anymore! I’ve gotten so used to these inane conversations, saying the stupid thoughts that are in my head at that exact minute, but not being able to talk about where I’ve been and the people I’ve met—not being able to tell you aboutmy life—and not knowing that about you, either!”

“Go, then,” I said. “If you really want to.”

“I’m not leaving without you.”

“Well, I’m staying. And you want to go. So go.”

“Lily.”

“I’m serious. I’m not going to hold you back.”

“What can I say to change your mind? What can I do to take you with me?”

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