Page 145 of Fire and Icing

We stand like that, holding on to one another for a while.

Then she looks up at me and says, “Let’s get you some food.”

I help her cook. We’re quieter than usual, awareness of my offer lingering like a ghost in the room. But we’re on the same side of the fence for now. The decision looms on the other side. At least we’re facing it together.

I wish there were an easy answer. But this is why they call it adulting. Sometimes every way you turn requires a massive sacrifice. And loss. No matter what I choose, I’ll have to give up something.

Not her. That’s the one thing I’m sure of. I’m not ever giving her up.

We eat out back on her lawn furniture. The sun goes down while we’re washing the dishes. I’d hang out longer, but Emberleigh’s yawning and we both have work in the morning.

“Thank you for letting me come in,” I tell her.

“Thank you for searching for me—for not giving up.”

“I’m not giving up.”

She steps in and hugs me. I hold her, tucking her head under my chin. When she looks up at me, our eyes catch. I instinctively bend toward her and she lifts to meet me in a kiss. It’s not a kiss full of passion and promise. This kiss is more careful and tender, like one you’d give someone if you were seeing them off on a long trip.

I almost sayI love youwhen we separate. The words are like greyhounds at the gate, quivering and coiled, aching to explode forward. But I hold them back.

Instead, I brush a strand of her hair back and say, “I’ll see you as soon as I’m off shift in two days.”

“And for donuts. I’ll see you when you come for the donuts.”

I smile. “Yes. I’ll be there for the donuts. You can count on me.”

Her smile is soft, but only half-hearted.

“I want to count on you, Dustin.” She swallows, then adds quietly, “I really do.”

Chapter 31

Emberleigh

Learning to trust is one of life's most difficult tasks.

~ Isaac Watts

I watch him walk away,tears welling up in my eyes. I’m tempted to call out to him,Come back, Dustin!

His name is on my tongue.

More than that, it’s etched in my heart.

I’ve never loved before. I’m sure of it now. No one has ever mattered this much or had the power to devastate me the way Dustin does. And the worst part is that he doesn’t want to hurt me. He’d take a bullet for me. I know that. We met with him running into a burning building to save my life. And that was when I was a stranger.

I close the door and press my back to the wood, trying to keep it together. I haven’t cried this much in years. As wrecked as I was when Drew left, I wasn’t truly sad. Not like this. I was hurt, betrayed, shocked. I felt duped. I had put all my chips on the table only to find out I was playing against the house. He walked away taking it all.

I didn’t miss Drew as much as I missed my dignity and common sense. And I swore to myself no one would get the better of me again. If I never dated, I’d never be busted. I’d keep my chips and walk away the winner.

I thought I loved Drew.

I know I love Dustin.

I walk into the living room and pick up my phone.

I plop onto the couch and dial Syd.

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