Page 96 of Raised On It

Through this tragedy has come a true blessing with the knowledge that I want to be here next to this man and with these people.

I haven’t said it out loud, and I still have moments of uncertainty and fear. Not only about whether I would be willing to give up New York for Eastlyn but there is also the unknown of what Miles truly wants.

When he said we weren’t going to talk about the end of my stay here, he meant it. He doesn’t joke about marriage anymore, and every day is spent living in the moment.

There is no denying that the strength of our relationship grows every day, and he looks at me like the sun rises and sets in my eyes. But not talking about our next step has had me tied up in knots.

Sitting here in Smith’s Funeral Home is one of those moments when I feel a bit out of place. I mean, what am I doing here? I’ve been here just over two months. I feel like an intruder.

But then Miles squeezes my hand before he releases it to go up and say a few words.

Standing behind the podium, he eloquently expresses his feelings and tells stories from his childhood involving Mel.

From his time in the shop to baseball games sponsored by that same shop. He highlighted his skills as a two-stepper and someone who made the best brisket in the county.

Those in attendance are laughing openly at a silly story involving Mel, a raccoon family, and a plate of steaks.

But those tears of laughter turn to those of sorrow when he changes the topic to love.

“If you knew Mel, you know that his world began and ended with Margie. He loved her something fierce, and his loving wife and children were his everything. Yes, it seemed he was always at the shop, but he was also at every game, recital, dinner, and bedtime story, and I don’t think Mel and Margie have spent more than a night or two apart in their sixty plus years of marriage.”

Miles grows quiet for a moment, his eyes finding mine and holding steady from across the room.

My heart is his.

No question.

“You know, it was just two weeks ago that I was last in Mel’s’ chair.” He’s speaking right to me. Telling me to listen carefully with his intent stare. “We were talking about love. Well, he was telling me that he could see that I had fallen pretty hard, and he remembered how it felt when he fell in love with Margie. In fact, his exact words were, ‘I remember what it is to lose your reason over a woman, Miles. In fact, I lost all my reason the day I met Margie, and well, it’s been over sixty years, and she never did give it back.’”

He turns his attention to Margie.

“You were his sun and moon. He loved you with his whole heart. And I know he’s here by your side today. He’ll always be here with all of us.”

Miles steps down from the podium and stops in front of theBrown family and quietly offers his condolences before joining me three rows behind them.

When he fills his spot next to me, he pulls me in tight against his side and kisses me on my temple.

For the rest of the service, I can only think one thing over and over.

Love.

Love.

Love.

Love.

I know we’re here because of a great loss, and I feel that, but I also feel so much love for the man with his arm around me. My tears are seen to everyone around me as sorrow, only I know that they are also due to the overwhelming swelling of my heart.

And the strangest thing is I can’t wait to tell my mom.

I wrote her back the night we got back to Eastlyn, and we’ve been messaging each other every day since.

I can’t excuse decades of poor parenting, but I’ve decided to try to have some sort of relationship with her. Over the past week, she has not only acknowledged and apologized for her behavior, but I’m beginning to understand her a little better.

Because she had married who she had been told to marry and was raised to do as her husband told her, just as her mother had, she was only doing what she knew.

Last night, her message said she knew she had done it all wrong when she saw the first picture of Miles and me together on my page. She saw something in my eyes she had never seen before, and she knew it was happiness. She realized she kept that from me for most of my life, and she was grateful to get to see it even if only via pictures on social media.