Page 86 of Second Round

He was good to the kids. Tristan adored Leo and had so much fun practicing hockey at the cabin. I had been instructed to wrap Tristan’s new Lucky Luczak stick in bubble wrap until he got home. Hannah was more reserved, but Leo kept trying and I admiredthattoo.

Leo was a perfectionist who defined himself by being a coach on the fast track to success. But what I loved most about him were his vulnerabilities: the way Charlotte could dismantle his resolve with a blink of her pretty eyes, his mangled clichés, and how easy he was to seduce. I even loved the nerdy way that he turned every analogy intohockey.

I loved his protective instincts. Leo wanted to fix everything—people, situations, and even crappy hockey teams. I had been broken when he met me, and he kept reassuring me how great I was—until I believed him. And why did he do all that? It wasn’t for sex, he could have hooked up with anyone. Maybe his coaching instincts were awakened by people like me who clearly need help. But he had to know that he couldn’t walk away from me like another hockey team. Breaking up with me would only break me down attheend.

Or would it? Leo swore that only the truth made people feel better. So every good quality he saw in me must be real. Anyway, my belief in myself wasn’t based in what Leo had said, it was based in the things I had done. I had changed. I was painting more and making good stuff. I had quit the art supply store, and now I was going to concentrate on better jobs. Working with Fiona in September. Finding a house to reno with Sharon. Oh, what about Amanda? Would she still want me to shop for her if I wasn’t Leo’s girlfriend? Of course, she would. She was an honest, reliable person, and we were well on the way to being realfriends.

Feeling slightly comforted, I finally drifted off tosleep.

In the morning, I felt even worse. A sleeping bag on a hardwood floor was fine when you were hungover in your twenties, but forty-something bodies needed a real mattress with pillow tops and lumbar supports. I got up and stretched. My back was killing me. Maybe I needed a run in my new neighbourhood to get things loosened up. My running stuff was in the big suitcase from Saturna Island, so I dug it out and ran to Trout Lake and back. Awesome. Now my back hurt and my lungs were burning. I took a shower and pondered what todonext.

Make a list. If I kept busy, I wouldn’t have to keep reliving the loop of last night. What if I hadn’t used the word “love”? We could have kept going on for months if I hadn’t said anything. But it was how I felt. I went into the relationship under Leo’s terms, but now I wanted more. People change. At leastIdid.

I plugged in my ear buds and started listening to podcasts for distraction. The movers would be here this afternoon, so I had the rest of the morning to clean and paint. Then I’d have a ton of unpackingtodo.

I could pull myself together before the kids got back. Because they’d already seen me fall apart completely when their father left, and they didn’t need to see that again. Or to find out that their mother needed a man to behappy.

When Brent first left, Tristan took it the hardest. His schoolwork, his sports, his friendships, everything was affected. So I had taken him to a therapist who specialized in kids. I had to sit in on the first sessions until the two of them developed a rapport. The biggest problem was that Tristan was completely inarticulate about how he felt, and Oscar had to find new ways to communicate. One day, he brought out this pain scale made up of simple faces with expressions on them. I had looked at the last face, a drawing with the features contorted and tears running down its cheeks. Isn’t there a face beyond that, I wanted to ask? Because I felt like someone stuck a knife in my guts, tore out a big piece of every vital organ, and then said, “Off you go, Jackie. See howyoudo.”

But it wasn’t as bad this time. How could I compare a marriage of fifteen years to a relationship of a few months? I couldn’t even blame Leo. He had warned me that he wasn’t the type to get serious. He had posted a big neon sign saying, “Don’t get tooattached.”

But that wasn’t my nature. I put my heart out there. Someday I was going to find someone who appreciated that. I would be more discerning and not fall for the next good-looking guy who walked in wearing only atowel.

I shook my head to clear my worries and grabbed cleaning supplies. I wanted to be so exhausted that I’d fall into my actual bed tonight and sleep right away. Even with my fried brain, I was still able to go through the motions. Start from the top down, sweeping cobwebs off the ceiling, wiping down walls, baseboards, and then floors. Painting walls was something I loved. Refreshing the walls in new colours and making everything brightandnew.

A new house where I got to make all the decorating decisions. Of course, I’d let the kids make choices for their rooms. A fresh start. I had to feel positive about a brand newstart.

32

LeotheLiar

Leo

“Okay,chaton. We have to leave in fifteen minutes.” That was something I’d learned from Jackie: the early warning system. Saved a tonoffuss.

She looked up from her breakfast. “Is Jackie coming to theAquarium?”

“Uh, no. She has to get her new house ready for the movers.” I hated lying to Charlotte, but she would be really upset to know we had broken up. The news could wait until she went home and got back into her own activities and friends. Time and distance would make Jackie and her kids lessimportant.

“Jackie is definitely one of us. And so are Hannah and Tristan. Isn’t it funny that I was afraid tomeetthem?”

“I think you’re not afraid of so many things now,” I reassured her. Charlotte had grown in confidence this summer, and I was proudofher.

“I can’t wait to see what their new place looks like when it’s all fixed up. Tristan said he’s going to get his own hockey mural.” She finished her cereal in the bowl I’d painted for her—from that evening with Jackie. Every goddamn thing in this apartment reminded me of Jackie. I put the bowl in thedishwasher.

“I’m coming here at Christmas,right?”

“Yeah, for sure.” I didn’t have my schedule yet, but this time I’d get my mother or a sister to come out and help take care of Charlotte. We’d manage somehow, we always hadbefore.

“Papa, you’re going to be lonely here whenI’mgone.”

I hugged her. “Always. I always miss you whenever we’re nottogether.”

“You should keep Mao. He can keep you company.” Her eyes were wide and hopeful. “You’re not going to return him, are you? He’s reallyhappyhere.”

“Well....” What was I going to do with a cat when I was gone on long road trips? He was supposed to be a temporary thing. If Sophie wasn’t allergic, I’d send him home with Charlotte. “Maybe yourgrand-mamancan take him or something. I really can’t deal withacat.”

“Papa.” She began to sniffle. “You can’t take him back! What if they give him to a meanfamily?”

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