Page 49 of Office of the Lost

His voice broke on that last word, which surprised him.He’d never realized it before, but he’d spent his entire life feeling weird and out of place, and now he didn’t.This roomwashim, and if he could share it with someone who cared about him, that would be perfect.More than he’d dreamed of.

Crispin took Leopold’s hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.“You’re being very thoughtful.But I can’t stay here.”

“Why not?Is it me?I can change.I’ll be whatever you?—”

“It’s not you.”Another squeeze.“And to be frank, you’re changing already.Did you know that your hairstyle and clothing have been shifting since we arrived?And so has the color of your eyes.They’re gray now.”

Leopold put his free fingers against his own eyelid as if he could somehow sense the color beneath.“I….No.”His heartbeat increased and he felt a little dizzy.

“You’ve spent your entire life among humans, thinking you were one of them, and you became very human yourself.But here I think… I think you’re going to lose that.I think you’re already starting to.”

Leopold tried to wrap his mind around that.“To become just… Chaos?”

Crispin gestured toward the gray cloud, which had crept closer and now… now looked an awful lot like a person, although the features were indistinct.It was holding one arm in Leopold’s direction, and a part of him really, really wanted to go over and let the cloud embrace him.But Crispin was still holding his hand.

He gripped it tightly, as though it were one of those lifelines on that TV quiz show, except wasn’t that a telephone call and not really a line at all?

“It’s notjustChaos,” Crispin said sadly.“Chaos is an incredibly powerful force.And Leo, if you feel that Chaos is your true nature, the you that you want to be, then I can’t tell you not to.Everyone should be their true self.”

Leopold swallowed.“Okay?”

“But I can’t stay here with you.It would destroy me—it’s not my true self.I’ve always been more inclined toward Order.And back home, oh, there’s Minkis who will miss me, and I’d miss him.And there’s the damage I’ve caused.I need to try to fix it.”

“Damage?”

“I opened your Door again.We slipped in, but I don’t know what may have slipped out.Into my mother’s court.And there’s the fact that OotL wanted you collected to begin with, which generally means they have need of you somehow, or will eventually, and I haven’t brought you in.So there’s going to be an issue to deal with there, as well.”

Leopold firmed his jaw.“It doesn’t have to be your issue.You didn’t cause it.And as for your mother’s court?—”

“I know.She tried to kill you, and my brother, well, we know about him.But they’re still my family.”Crispin looked as if he might cry.

Leopold took a few deep breaths and tried to weigh his options.

On the one hand, there was that tempting gray cloud reaching for him.He could be happy here, he thought.Powerful.No longer the screwup who got fired from every job, evicted from every cruddy apartment, rejected by every friend and lover.

But on the other, there was Crispin.Who was the best friend he’d ever had and could, Leopold hoped, be even more.

He could keep Crispin here!That would solve everything.Sure, Crispy would complain at first, but he’d come around eventually.Leopold would make sure to cater to his every whim, to treat him like the prince he was, to make him fall so deliriously in love that he’d forget the rest of the worlds and he would?—

He would be a prisoner, and Leopold would be his keeper.

The thought horrified Leopold so much that he shuddered and almost vomited.

Shaking and unsure of whether this was the right thing to do and whether he wanted to do it, Leopold stood and urged Crispin to his feet.

“Let’s see if we can fix the mess together,” Leopold said.

Crispin’s expression transformed again, first into surprise and then pure joy.“Together?Are… are you sure?”

“Let’s go, Crispy.”

Leopold kissed him again, but just a peck on the lips this time because they had shit to do.

19

Crispin

Crispin savored the strange feeling that shimmied through him like an electric charge, trying to identify it.It was…

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