Page 36 of Office of the Lost
Looking a bit dyspeptic, Juzir waved his arms for a few seconds.Something made a loudpop!And Leopold suddenly felt… freer.Sort of like when he took off a pair of really tight skinny jeans and pulled on baggy sweats instead.He was going to ask where the bathroom was, but Juzir pointed down the hall and Leopold dashed there with as much decorum as he could manage.
The bathroom was large, with one of those rainforest showerheads he’d always coveted.There was also a small sink, and a weird bristly thing attached to one pale-blue wall.He peered at the bristles in confusion until a few trapped iridescent green scales gave him a hint of its probable use: to help Juzir shed.Ugh.
But since archosaur personal grooming was not his immediate worry, he examined the toilet, which, unfortunately, wasn’t well suited for human anatomy.It was still better than a bucket, though, and Leopold did the best he could.He felt better immediately… until he went to flush the thing and was stymied.An electronic control panel displayed a dozen buttons, each with a different incomprehensible symbol.It was worse than one of those fancy Japanese bidets.
He pressed a button at random—then winced when music blasted from hidden speakers.At least it might have been music.Or it could have been a recording of someone being tortured.Another press turned the cacophony off, thank gods.The next button made the entire toilet glow violet; he had no idea why.A third released puffs of eucalyptus-scented steam from the ceiling.
Frustrated, Leopold pushed them all, repeatedly, pounding out the Darth Vader tune from Star Wars.Baam baam baam bam-bam baam bam-bam baaam….
The toilet flushed.Hooray!But Leopold’s exhilaration was short-lived, because now the toilet started to shudder, jets of water erupted from the bowl, the music intensified, and, somewhere deep inside the building, something rumbled.
Leopold did what any sensible person would do under these circumstances: he ran.
In the living room, Crispin and Juzir were deep in conversation, apparently about Thea, who was clasped in one of Juzir’s hands.“Get back on the chair,” ordered Juzir.He must not have noticed whatever was going on in the bathroom.Leopold, sensing that wasn’t going to last long, scurried to his chair and sat down.The ward was up again in a jiffy.
“So,” said Juzir to Crispin, “I can repair it, but the incantations will take several hours to set.Would you like to go to the movies while we wait?Iron Stegosaurus 2is playing.I’m not sure it’s as good as the first one, but I hear it’s lots of fun.It’s about this billionaire inventor who?—”
“I’m not leaving Leo,” said Crispin, which earned him a point in the tally that Leopold was keeping.Then he cocked his head as if listening to something, his eyes widened, and he shot Leopold a quick, panicked look before turning back to Juzir.“I think we ought to move things along.Is there a faster way?We’ve been using reflective surfaces.”
“Well… maybe.But it’s not very precise.You could end up back home or you could end up in a tar pit.Look, we could pick up some pizza and?—”
Juzir sounded lonely.Leopold wondered when he’d last gone out on a date.If at all.
Crispin shook his head decisively.“I’ll risk the tar pit.”
Leopold wasn’t sure he agreed, but now he was catching the noise that had Crispy so uneasy.An ominous gurgling rumble that might be due to unhappy plumbing.“I’ll risk it too,” Leopold said loudly.
Although Juzir looked a trifle offended, he shrugged.“All right.But don’t blame me if you end up neck deep in sticky pitch.I lost a cousin that way.Crispy?—”
“It’s Crispin!”
“Crispin, take your transport device and stand close to the ape.On the count of three, I’m going to lift the ward.You’ll need to grab him and imagine your destination as clearly as possible.Details matter.The taste of your favorite meal there, the feel of the carpets under your feet, the color of— Do you hear something?”Juzir cocked his head.
“Just my pet’s stomach.”Crispin closed his eyes in thought.“Let’s see… my mother’s floors are usually carpeted in meadow-grass and chamomile.Now can we please move this along?”
Juzir hummed, wiggled his fingers, and started chanting something that sounded a lot like the bathroom’s torture music.Then he huffed.“One.Two.”The rumble grew louder and the floor began to subtly vibrate.“Three.”
The ward popped away.With Thea in one hand, Crispin grabbed Leopold’s elbow with the other.Somewhere in the distance, an alarm began to sound.
“Now, Juzir!”
Clearly distracted, Juzir started chanting again.A noise came from the bathroom—something that sounded suspiciously like a large porcelain vessel shattering.The floor shook so hard that some of Juzir’s vases wobbled off the shelves and crashed onto the floor.
There was an explosion loud enough to deafen Leopold.
And then the universe tilted.
15
Crispin
Crispin blinked and immediately closed his eyes again.
His head hurt, as if he’d imbibed an entire tankard of Bidulla’s homemade Ogre Ale the night before, the especially strong variety she made for Ogre Solstice.No,hurtdidn’t do his head justice.More likescreaming pain, as if his poor tender brain had been subjected to a prolonged banshee-chorus Christmas concert.
He lay still for a while, hoping the pain would recede and feeling perplexed.It wasn’t like him to go on a bender.That was more Aspin’s style.Crispin’s older brother was the son Cerillia had always wanted: tall, strong, handsome, handy with a bow, unafraid to face down either a band of marauding trolls or a twelve-course state dinner.
Where am I?The pain ebbed, little by little, lessening to sword-in-the-gut level before dropping to that of ten painfully stubbed toes.At last, he dared open his eyes.
