Page 14 of Office of the Lost

Crispin

Crispin closed his eyes.

There was only so much a self-respecting desk fae could take.He’d expected—no, he’d deserved—an easy retrieval.All he needed to do was go to Earth, pick up this one (rather slovenly, if he was forced to admit the truth) lost human, and be back home before the clock struck midnight, inside his cozy tree home with Minkis.

Now he was in a strange and apparently very deadly purple world, facing down a vegan giant who would probably still eat him if he got hungry enough.He was stuck with antlers and hooves—hooves, for the silver queen’s sake!—and probably still bleeding from that damned five-footed adorable pleat.Or whatever the hoary-haired honker himple Fromlith had called it.Oh and his faithful companion Thea seemed more interested in blaring out what he could only assume was some kind of bizarre mating call than in getting him home.

And now he had to worry aboutsomething else?“What.Is.It?”

Fromlith squinted from under eyebrows that, on their own, would have made quite convincing hedges.“I can’t really tell.It’s dark and twisty, though.And it smells like….”He sniffed the air, his inhalations causing the trees around them to shudder.“Like smoked evil.”

“I had smoked salmon once.”Leo scratched his furry chin.“Never understood what the big deal was.”

Crispin’s eyes flew open.“Would you please, just for one eternal moment, shut your godsdamned trap?”

His hand flew to his mouth as Leo’s eyes went wide and he took a step back, blinking wildly.“I’m so sorry, Leo—Leopold.I don’t know what came over me.”If his mother ever heard him speak to someone like that, she’d have his hide.Even Minkis would be disappointed, in a sagging tail, dull-eyed squirrelly sort of way.

Leo stopped blinking.“It’s all right.I mean… it’s not.But I figure you’re not as used to weird shit as I am.”

Which was, well, patently ridiculous.But Crispin wasn’t in a position to argue just then.

“Maybe… just maybe… we should look at the dark and twisty thing?”Leo jerked his head in the direction that Fromlith had pointed.

Crispin sighed.It seemed as if it was going to be a long while before he got back to the comfort of his OotL desk.

He looked up and frowned.

The dark and twisty thing was extending a tendril toward them.It was, in fact, a version of the same being that had come after them back in Leo’s apartment, though it seemed to have its smoky teeth sheathed for the moment.“We should, um, probably go.”He looked back at Fromlith.“Thank you so much for the tea.”He set down his acorn-cap mug, which stubbornly refused to stand upright on its pointy bottom and spilled medicinal tea all over the cart.

“So… not a friend of yours?”Fromlith picked up the tiny cup like a grain of sand between his large fingers and put it away.

“Definitely not.”

“Well why didn’t you say so?”He opened his mouth wide and bellowed a sound so loud that Crispin was forced to cover his ears with his palms, pressing against them so tightly he feared his head would pop.

Leo did the same, and then vanished from sight.

Crispin blinked and then stared at the place where his collected human had been, but his gaze was pried away by a horrid screeching.It seemed designed to join with the giant’s cascading bellow and to melt Crispin’s brain out of his ears despite the hand covering.

He spun around and watched the black and twisty thing writhe in midair, captured by the giant’s banshee cry.It began to come apart into squirming threads blacker than midnight, each hissing and wailing like a dying bandersploot before popping out of existence.Like Leo had just done.And there were the teeth.They gnashed in his general direction before fading into nothing.How does smoke have teeth?

When the noise stopped—as quickly as it had begun—and the dark and twisty thing had been banished, Leo was there again, solid as a bowl of porridge left in the sink all day, looking at Fromlith in abject admiration.“That was badass.”

It was Crispin’s turn to blink.“Did you… were you…?”He lacked the will to formulate the question he really wanted to ask.Maybe he had hallucinated the disappearance.Zanther knew, he was under enough pressure.“What does ‘ass’ have to do with it?”

“I think he means I kicked its butt.”Fromlith frowned.“Not that it had one.A butt, I mean.”

Crispin sighed.“Yes, I figured that part out.”Had he imagined the wholeblinking out of existencething?Maybe some of his brainhadleaked out of his skull.He touched his cheek, just to be sure, but it was dry as a bone.

He shook his head.His mind was already on overload.He didn’t need another mystery.“I suppose we should be going.We can’t find Disappointment without a good walk.”

“That’s for sure.I hate exercise.”Whatever had happened to him, Leo seemed no worse for wear.

“I meant the pond.”Why had he been sent to collect this… this waste of space for the Office?Where would they even put him?Maybe this is all a test.Efrim Eflin El’Esprin was due to retire soon.Maybe this was all an elaborate ruse to see how he handled himself under pressure.Yes, that must be it.

All he had to do was get them to this Pond of Disappointment in one piece, and they would be able to cross over to the Office at last, and everything would go back to normal.

Well, not totally normal.His perfecality score was probably shot for the year.Theodor would likely snag the prize this year, and lord it over him the way only a dwarf could.

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