Page 13 of Office of the Lost

Crispin and Fromlith stared at him as if he’d just claimed that the Earth was flat.“Vampires aren’t real,” said Crispin in very much the same tone that Leopold’s parents had once told him—when he was very young—that there were no monsters under his bed.“Those are juststoriesthey tell to frighten children.”

Fromlith nodded his agreement.

“But how do you know that?’protested Leopold.“I mean, if there are elves and giants and killer rabbits and magic deer people and… whatever the hell that bird thing on the roof over there is… why not vampires?”

Crispin gave Leopold’s knee a patronizing pat.“Yes, but elves and giants and southern minor cockatrices, which is what that ‘bird thing’ is?—”

“Southwesternminor cockatrice,” interrupted Fromlith.“They used to think it was a subspecies but now it’s in its own category.”

“Oh, thank you.I’ll need to correct the OotL records on that matter.”He held Thea out at arm’s length, and then sighed, slipping her back into his pocket.“Leo, those things are all real.Vampires arepretend.”He said it in exactly the same tone as one of Leopold’s foster mothers used to say Santa Claus wasn’t real.

Leopold ignored the tone.Well, that’s a small relief.It was nice to get at least one piece of good news today: he wouldn’t have to worry about vampires showing up and wanting to suck his blood.Which, when he thought about it, really didn’t do all that much to improve their current situation.“Okay, fine.But without a mirror, how do we get out of here?”

Fromlith shrugged.“I’m not big on shiny stuff.The other branch of the family, they could probably lend you a silver tray or something, but not me.Doesn’t fit my aesthetic, and honestly, I think it’s pretty tacky.”

Crispin’s shoulders sagged, and for the first time, Leopold felt truly bad for him.The poor guy had just been trying to do his job, and now he was having a crappy day.Leopold could feel his pain, because that was Leopold’s story almost every day, and it sucked.“Is there anything else around here that might work?”

Thea began playing Deep Purple again, more quietly this time.

After another long slurp of tea, Fromlith rubbed his beard thoughtfully.“There’s stuff in the city, but with your tiny legs, you’d take days to get there.”

“Days!”Crispin wailed.

“Yeah, and it’s probably not particularly safe for you to go there anyway.You know.On account of the stew.”

Leopold tried to imagine what it would be like to be stranded here forever.He hadn’t left any loved ones behind, and the grass here reallywasdelicious.But no televisions.Probably no pizza.And his apartment in Sacramento might be fairly shitty, but it washisshitty apartment, and his bed was fairly comfortable, and the roof kept him dry.And in Sacramento there were, as far as he knew, no flesh-eating giants.Only flesh-eating viruses, which to be sure was not much better, but he’d never run into one of those yet either.

Thea turned up her volume, and much as Leopold liked the song, he really didn’t have it in him right now to care about a burning casino in Switzerland in the 1970s.Even if the chorus was totally catchy.

Wait.

The name of the song was “Smoke on the Water.”Water.Which tended to be reflective.

“Is there a lake around here?”Leopold asked.

Crispin gaped at him with surprised admiration.“Yes!If the light shines on still water correctly, that might work very well.Well done, Leo!”

Ignoring the nickname, Leopold preened a little.

Fromlith’s face was scrunched up in thought, which was an impressive sight.“Well… not a lake.But if you walk a few hours in that direction”—he pointed—“you’ll reach the Pond of Disappointment.”

That didn’t sound promising.His whole life had been a pond of disappointment, and he wasn’t keen on spending hours walking to another one.“Why is it called that?”

“Dunno.Maybe because someone wanted a lake and got something smaller instead.I guess it’s reflective enough for you, though.”

“Pond of Disappointment.”Crispin seemed to be tasting the name on his lips.“Worth a try, I suppose.”He stood and brushed bits of foliage off his pants, then looked up at the giant, who still loomed even when seated.“Thank you again.But time is of the essence, so we’ll be going now.”

Leopold stood as well and stretched his legs a little.He wasn’t sure what he thought about having hooves.It was kind of nice not to need shoes or socks, but his hooves were fairly sharp, and he wondered if he might be in danger of injuring himself in his sleep.He wouldn’t be a bit surprised, given his luck.

He thanked Fromlith too.He didn’t know about the other Flokrions, but this one seemed like a decent guy.“Good luck with your roof repairs.And I hope you have a fun vacation.”

“I will.Good luck to you as well.Oh, and one other thing.”

Crispin made an impatient noise.“Yes?”

Fromlith pointed behind them.“You’ll probably want to watch out for that.”

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