Page 7 of Delayed Offsides

To anyone else, it’s like I’m just teasing Callie, but really I’m pulling out everything I have tonight. Not only is it Christmas, and I love this girl, but I haven’t had sex in weeks. Rare for me. Really fucking rare.

When we sit down to dinner, Callie won’t even sit by me, let alone look my way. She makes me sit next to Granny B, which is fine, because if there’s one other woman I love with all of my heart, it’s Granny B. She keeps me in fucking stitches with her outrageousness.

“I once spread whipped cream—”

“Granny B!” Judy scolds her. “Don’t talk like that at the table.”

You’re probably thinking, what the fuck? Is this lady for real? You have no idea.

Earlier today, Judy had been telling us that Granny B is now in her third nursing home. She was staying in their basement, but when she called the fire department over a fake bomb, Judy stuck her ass back in a nursing home.

Judy is the youngest of six boys and one daughter. Granny B, she’s like, I don’t know, late seventies? You wouldn’t think she’d be in a nursing home yet, but she had a stroke a few years back that left her off-the-rocker crazy. Now she keeps getting kicked out for inappropriate behavior. The incidents mostly occur in the dining lounge or when she’s offering up sex to the male staff, and on one occasion, the female aid in her room. I don’t know where she comes up with this shit, but me and this granny, we’re friends.

“I was going to say pie.” Granny B smiles, reaching for her flask in her bra. Callie, who’s seated on the other side of her, starts laughing.

“Sure you were,” Sam replies, never looking up from his food. I don’t think he wants to see Evan and Ami touching or his only daughter drunk at the dinner table on Christmas, but fuck, that’s being too picky. And Granny B just put the icing on the cake with her pulling a flask from her tits.

Judy reaches across the table to retrieve the flask. “No way.”

She glares at her daughter. “Can’t a girl have a good time?”

“Your doctor said no,” Judy says, fighting a little to retrieve the flask.

Eventually Granny B gives up and lets her have it, but not without a scowl from her wrinkled brow. “Fuck that doctor.”

“You offered to, remember?”

Granny B grins, her eyes twinkling. “I would haveblownhis mind.” And then she touches my arm, turning away from her daughter as if she says nothing at all. “Leo, I’ve been on the naughty list.”

“Oh yeah?” I can barely talk without laughing.

“Yep. You may not believe this, but I’m in my sexual prime right now. This—” She gestures toward her body and quite possibly the ultimate ugliest Christmas sweater ever. “—is something you’dneverforget.”

I laugh it off, but just as I’m eating my mashed potatoes, she starts twirling her own mashed potatoes around her plate with her finger and then licks it. It’s the funniest shit I’ve ever seen.

“Granny B!” Mase shouts from beside me. “Stop touching my leg with your foot.”

“What?” She winks at me, never making eye contact with her grandson. “I was trying to touch Leo.”

“Well, stop it,” Mase grumbles. “You’re touching me and I don’t like. In fact, stop touching him too. He’s young enough to be your grandson.”

Granny B isn’t having it. In fact, she waves him off. “He’s notmygrandson.” She turns her head and stares intently at me. “I like football players,” she says, turning back to her food.

I lean into her shoulder, smiling. “I play hockey, Granny B.”

“Even better.” Her eyes find mine. “I like a man with good stick control.Blow. Your. Mind.”

Thank God I’m only eating mashed potatoes because I start choking, trying to contain my laughter. Mase leans into me, still glaring at his grandma and trying to hear what she’s saying. Only he can’t because Catelyn is drunk, and she’s a lot like Mase when she’s drunk. Loud. “What’s she talking about now?”

I shrug. “Hockey.”

This right here is the reason I spend the holidays with the Masen family. Entertainment you can’t buy a ticket to watch. Completely free laughs. It’s a hell of a lot better than your brother so high he doesn’t know what day it is, your mom passed out drunk, and her boyfriend beating up on you when she’s not looking.

Beside me, Granny B nudges Callie. “If you don’t take him for a spin tonight, I might.”

Callie gapes at her but smiles after a second. “I’ll keep that in mind, Granny B.”

I certainly hope she does.

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