Page 74 of Sex. Love. Marriage.
I raise my hands in defeat, aware that everything she’s saying to me is a cry for help, but avoiding it just the same because I do not want to talk about this. “It’s not like I knew Mara had cancer.” My words come out, shaking and harsh. “I can’t do anything about that. She’s gone and I’m fucking sorry. I’m so goddamn sorry, and I wish I could have traded places with her. I would have. Gladly!” I scream back at my wife, losing all my composure. “And then you wouldn’t have to hate the man you married.” My voice is so full of vehemence that even I regret the words, but I say them anyway.
Kelly stands, her eyes glossy, wearing so many emotions across the beautiful planes of her face. “Noah—”
I try to swallow my feelings of betrayal, the ones I so desperately hold onto, but I do a pretty shitty job at it. “No, I’m done with this. I’m done being blamed for it. If it’s me you want gone, then fine.” I grab a pillow from our bed. “We’ll figure something out.”
Her sobs fill the room. “Where are you going?”
“I’m going to walk the fucking dog.” Closing the bedroom door, I pick Sevi up off the floor and carry him to his room.
“Walk?” he asks, pointing to the stairs and handing me his leash.
I know it’s starting to get out of hand. I shake my head and pad down the hallway to this room. “No, it’s time for the puppy to sleep.”
He must be tired because he doesn’t put up much of a fight and lies down on his bed. He’s asleep within five minutes.
There’s no way I’m going to be able to sleep so I go downstairs, make myself some coffee and then head outside. As I’m standing out there, the sky changing colors from black to light blue, I walk to the end of the driveway and stare up at the sky. It’s cloudy, no stars visible.
I quickly look away when I notice a shadow beside me. It’s Bonner. The only other person in this neighborhood that doesn’t sleep much. “HOA lady call you yet?”
I sip my coffee. “Yeah. She’s been harassing us.”
Bonner looks at the lawn and smiles. “It’s impressive.”
I fight the urge to say that’s what she said, but for some reason, I don’t want to smile. Not tonight.
Standing beside me, he shoves his hands in the pockets of his shorts. “Kel’s mom is a real piece of work.”
I nod, a sigh slipping past my lips as I think about tossing my coffee cup to the pavement. I wonder if the sound of the ceramic breaking apart would be satisfying enough to curb the anger inside me. I’m not sure anything can stop this rage. It’s been building for so long, it’s going to come out in one way or another. “I’m not really in the mood for talking, B,” I tell him, hoping he leaves it alone.
His head bobs in acknowledgment, but he doesn’t shut up. “Half my family has died.”
My eyes lift from the cup in my hand to his. “What?”
“My parents died when I was a baby. Sister when I was sixteen, brother died a few months ago…. I’m a death magnet. And about a year ago, Ashlynn had a miscarriage. Lost the baby at four months.”
I don’t even know what to say to him, so I don’t say anything. Part of me is stuck on the fact that his porn star wife got pregnant. Was it his? I just stare at him and wonder, out of all the cities and neighborhoods, how’d we move to this one with this kid as our neighbor.
A breeze hits my face, snapping me out of my thoughts. Clearing my throat, I draw in a heavy breath. “I’m… sorry.”
Bonner shrugs. “It’s life, man. Death is part of it, but the death of a child, like you had, that’s not even comparable to my losses. It’s unimaginable.”
He’s right. It is. I’d never had any experiences with death. My parents are still alive, grandparents, alive…. Mara had been our first experience with it and to have it happen that way, and it be your child, well, I can’t think of anything worse.
I look up at the sky again. “I think the part that bothers me the most about losing her is that I’m her dad, you know?” My chin shakes, unable to control the emotion surfacing. “I was supposed to protect her, and I couldn’t. I had nothing on cancer.” My head drops forward, my eyes on the pavement.
Bonner thinks about what I said, or at least I think he does. His head tilts to the side, maybe in confusion. I can’t tell with this kid. “I once fucked this chick who was a medium.”
“A what?”
“A medium. She like, saw dead people or talked to them, I’m not sure. Scariest four months of my life for sure because I think all these ghosts were talking to us while we fucked.”
I stare at him. I bet you are too. What the fuck is he talking about?
Sensing my confusion, he waves his hand around, smiling. “Anyway, she said something to me once that hit home.”
“I don’t think I want to know how this story ends.”
He laughs, the grin fading into a more serious expression that seems almost abnormal on him. “She said, death is not an event. It’s a journey of survival for the living. And when a child dies, they were meant to live a short life, meant to live out their days to make an impact and move onto something greater.”
