Page 73 of Sex. Love. Marriage.

Reaching for the wine in her glass, she finishes it and removes herself from the table. Without another word, she walks out the door and Oliver comes rushing in.

He glares at Noah. “Where is she going?”

“Who cares,” Noah mumbles and then Oliver loses his shit too.

“Why are you making her leave? Why’d you make us move to this stupid town? We’re never going to see her again!” And then he’s crying and runs up to his room. My mom is a great grandmother when she sees the kids, but it doesn’t make up for how she treats me and Noah. But is it fair that we made her leave and hurt them in the process?

Overwhelmed, tears surface, but I don’t let them slip. I’m trying so hard to act normal in fear my breakdown, the one where I can’t possibly get out of bed or function, is coming and I know at any minute it’s going to hit me in the face and I’ll be down for the count.

Noah plants a kiss on my head, and the tears fall. I can feel him looking down at me, his breath on my face. Soothing me, he brushes away my tears with his knuckles. “I’m sorry,” he says, drawing my eyes to his.

I want to yell at him, but I don’t say anything. It’s my turn to shut down. He leaves and I stay in the room for another moment, trying to gather my thoughts. I watch as my mom’s car leaves the driveway, the shine of the bright red taillights reflecting off the window pane. Deep down, I know it’ll be months, if not longer, before I see her again. It’s what she does. She disappears from our lives and then returns thinking everything will be fine. But it’s not. Relationships don’t work that way. You have to be present, as I’m finding out.

Moments later, I walk into the kitchen to join everyone else. The kids are outside again playing in the backyard, and Noah is laughing.

I’d only just walked in, but I hear Kate tell Noah, “I should be able to watch it for reference on how to make my next marriage survive.” Noah stares blankly at her as she continues, “Plus, I’m curious.”

No answer from Noah, just him staring at her. I don’t think he knows how to reply to that.

Kate rolls her eyes. “Whatever.”

My gaze catches Noah as he leans against the counter in the kitchen, he and Bonner talking, his arms crossed over his chest. For a moment, we stare at one another. I want to know what he’s thinking, but then again, maybe I don’t.

“So how was last night?” Kate asks Gretchen. She had a date with a new guy she has yet to tell us about.

Guess who set her up? Ashlynn.

“Awful.” Gretchen groans.

“Why?” Charlee pries, just as curious.

“My legs were behind my ears.” Rubbing down her thighs, she looks terrified. “My legs burn today.”

I smile for the first time tonight. “And that’s bad?”

“Yes. I’m not a porn star. Sorry, Ashlynn.” Ashlynn takes it good-naturedly, considering she’s a professional and all. “He wants to try all this freaky shit, and it’s weird, and I’m super pissed that I listened to you in the first place, Ashlynn.”

Watching the scene before me, the roar of the dinner simmering down and everyone relaxing, I realize how different my life would have been had we stayed in Texas. We wouldn’t have this. I didn’t have friends like these girls there.

I’m thankful for what I have right now, despite the gaping holes in my chest where I feel the voids of Mara.

My eyes catch Ashlynn and Bonner standing in the kitchen, their hands never far from one another as he pressed a kiss to her temple. I know it’s a newlywed thing, but with these two, I don’t think it is. They love each other with every ounce of their hearts and it pours out of them, infecting everyone around them. Strangely enough, I’m thankful for Bonner and Ashlynn reminding us of what love looks like in the beginning and how beautiful it can be.

(I build them higher.)

WELL, DINNER WASawful, wasn’t it? But you know what’s even worse? Fighting with your wife at three in the morning because you didn’t delete the video you said you were going to delete.

I shrug, the noise of Sevi barking outside our door only adding to our frustration. “I know I said I was going to delete it, but I didn’t.”

Kelly stares at me, her cheeks flushed, her eyes pleading with me to open up to her. “Why not?”

“Because it’s hot. That’s why,” I tell her, matter-of-factly. That’s one of the reasons I didn’t delete it.

Her glare slices to mine. Anger sparks in her eyes, and I know she hates that I’m not giving her what she wants. An answer. A drawn-out reason as to why. “You always think everything’s no big deal and it’ll all work out, don’t you? Sometimes it doesn’t work out, Noah.” She presses her lips together and looks away from me. “Sometimes they don’t and things get really bad.”

My head wants to explode rather than talk about this. “I don’t want to have this fucking conversation with you, Kelly.” Gasping for air, feeling trapped, it’s as if I can’t breathe. My chest tightens, my jaw clenching on the onset of the anger surfacing because I know why she’s bringing this up. “But it always comes back to this, doesn’t it?”

Sitting on the edge of the bed, Kelly stares up at me, tears rolling down her cheeks. “I told you I was worried about her.”

---