Page 35 of Sex. Love. Marriage.

My eyes shift to the screen, despite my attempts for them not to. He hands me a shot of alcohol. It could be drain cleaner for all I know but given the situation, I down that fucker as if it’s the last drink on earth.

It burns going down, but I don’t die, and it helps with the headache that’s still lingering. Two more shots of it and I’m actually listening to what he has to say. I hadn’t thought about a sex tape before, and maybe it’s a shitty idea to begin with, but you have to admit, it’s an interesting concept. Bonner sells the idea pretty fucking well, doesn’t he?

It’s somewhere in between Bonner putting on a wig and me telling him he could pass for a woman that Jason barges into the garage. He smiles. “Whoa. What am I interrupting?”

I take another shot. My body feels like it’s on fire either from embarrassment or the alcohol. “Porn.”

Jason tries to peek at the iPad. “I need to see this.”

Bonner pulls the iPad back to his chest. “Nah.”

“Don’t be stingy.” And then they get in an actual wrestling match while I do another shot. “Why are you being so mean? It’s only fair.”

“No.” Bonner punches him in the stomach. Not hard, but enough it takes Jason’s breath away.

Steve walks in next while Bonner and Jason are on the garage floor. “Hey, guys. What’s up?”

Jason stares up at him, then his shorts. “Dude, are those Charlee’s shorts? Your nuts are falling out.”

“They’re my running shorts,” he defends, stepping away from Jason.

“And the Crocs?” Jason’s relentless. “You know the holes in them are where your dignity escapes from.”

“Whatever, man. Hey, Noah”—Steve bumps my shoulder with his hand—“the HOA is having a meeting tomorrow night. You should probably attend.”

“Why?” I dare to ask, knowing it’s probably about my lawn.

His face pales. Probably because when I’ve had a few drinks, I tend to be a bit passive-aggressive and snappy. He swallows hard. “Your house is being used as an example. Anyway,” he steps back again, one foot out the door. “I’ll see you guys around.”

He takes off running down the driveway and up the street.

Jason threads his hands behind his head, still flat on his back on the floor. “I still think one day he’s gonna come out and tell us he’s batting for the other team.”

Bonner kicks Jason in the gut. “Like you haven’t watched gay porn before.”

Jason sits up immediately. “That’s completely different if it’s women.”

“How so?” Bonner asks, brushing off his shirt and smiling at me.

“I’ll gladly watch two women, but I don’t want to see a man deep throating another man. That’s just—” He waves his hand around, his face suddenly pale. “—not my thing. I’m not against others doing it, just not me.”

I stand up. “I’m out. Have fun talking about gay porn.”

Surprisingly, Bonner lets me leave because now he’s deep in conversation with Jason about how he needs to expand his horizons and viewing. I swear I need to move. What the fuck kind of neighborhood did I move into?

Walking up my own driveway, I stare up at the light glowing from our bedroom and think of Kelly in there. A sex tape. What’s the worst that could happen?

Punch me in the fucking dick because clearly, so many things could go wrong. But I’m going to suggest it anyway.

(Said no one sober, ever. What were we thinking?)

YOU KNOW WHENyou get a prescription, and they tell you, don’t mix this with alcohol? They should really put that warning on sex. Sometimes it’s a good thing to have a little liquid courage. Other times, it’s a disaster. Like now. I’ll backtrack a few steps but those two people sitting in the middle of their bed searching porn on a broken iPad, they’ve had too much sangria, evident by the empty bottle on the floor, and are about to make some bad decisions. I blame all this on Bonner and Ashlynn.

Also, a side note here. We really should have known not to mix the bottle of Sangria with his cell phone, but it didn’t stop us. But whatever, back to three hours ago, after I have my breakdown with Kate and Noah comes home. We send Oliver off to his friend’s house for the night and guess who watches our kids?

Bonner and Ashlynn. Apparently, they love kids. I do, however, go over to their house and make sure there are no tools of the trade laying around. Admit it, you’re wondering if they have a red room of pain too, aren’t you? I could totally see Bonner into that kind of thing. I’m getting sidetracked.

It was when Noah convinced me Bonner and Ashlynn should watch the kids because he had something planned. So I agreed. Not sure why. Last night was disaster enough. Maybe we should take a break from it, right?

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