Page 19 of Sex. Love. Marriage.
I wish you could tell me what to do because I’m at a loss. Not only did we lose our daughter, but I fear we’ve lost us. Have we lost it? Does Noah want something more like Ashlynn? I’m not insecure, I’ve never been, and I’m not jealous of her, but I look to myself and wonder could I up my game? Ashlynn, she’s skinny, toned in all the right places, clearly experienced in what men want. Sadly, I’m not sure I remember how Noah’s touch feels when we’re not rushed to know. I think back to his comments in passing the last month, and he’s never indicated he’s not happy with my looks. When his hands roam over the puckered skin on my hips where stretch marks reside, he never gives me any indication he finds it repulsive. As a matter of fact, he’s never commented on my weight. Even when I was nine months pregnant with Sevi and looking like two hundred pounds was coming in my near future. Never. He only ever tells me I’m beautiful. I’m being paranoid, aren’t I, Journal?
By the way, my neighbor is a porn star. Thinking of watching one of her videos. For pointers.
Closing the notebook, I tuck it inside my nightstand and check the time. It’s eleven and Noah is still over at Bonner’s. What the hell is he doing over there?
Just as I’mthinkingof taking a long hot bath, I squash that idea. We all know the moment moms think it’s safe to get in the bathtub, it turns into a kid conference and they’re all in there with you thinking it’s a bubble pool party.
My cell phone on the nightstand dings. It’s Kate.
Kate: I looked up one of her videos after doing research…
I knew she was going to look her up the moment she heard she was a porn star.
Kate: Her stage name is Sadie does Santa Barbara.
Kate: Just playin.
Kate: It’s Ashlynn’s Asshole.
Kate: I’m kidding again.
Me: How much wine have you had?
Kate: A glass.
Me: A bottle?
Kate: Probably.
Me: Did you really watch her porno?
Kate: YES! She’s like, famous AF.
Me: Why am I curious?
Kate: Because admit it, she’s hot.
Me: That’s not why….
Kate: Ok, that’s why I watched it.
Me: Uh-huh.
Kate: I wonder if she does a “take your daughter to work” day.
Me: You’re not her daughter tho.
Kate: So?
Me: Why would you want to go to work with her?
Kate: Because I want to meet these guys she’s fucking. Some look like they could really do some work on my pelvic floor.
Me: Oh my God….
Kate: Whatever. Stop judging me. You’re married.
Me: Clearly that means nothing when it comes to sex.
