Page 86 of Promise Not To Fall

“Wanted to see what the fuss was with hurricanes,” I joke, attempting to make fun of myself and hating the dejection that seems present in the room. Jake hands me a towel, one that smells just like him: sun, sand, and boy. Wiping down my face and then my arms, I take another step inside his house, which is lit by candles and two lanterns.

He nods, motioning toward the couch. I don’t sit. We both stand there, him with a beer, me with a towel. “So you’re here on vacation?”

“No, not exactly.” I attempt to swallow over my nerves. “I moved here.”

“What? Are you serious?” His eyes widen, as if he hadn’t heard me correctly. “Why?”

“I took a job with Stevie Benton as a personal assistant.”

Jake nods again, blinking a few times as if he’s trying to figure out what’s happening.

I lower my lashes, waiting for him to say something, anything, and hoping he will. He can easily push me away. Who’s to say he even wants to be with me again? I’m taking a chance, an uncalculated risk.

“I have some things I need to say to you. And it’s really important that you listen to me.” Taking a deep breath, I decide not to wait any longer and start spilling everything I want to say. “I’ve never needed anyone. My dad left when I was ten, and I decided then and there to never rely on anyone but myself. Told myself that I would never depend on a single person so they couldn’t let me down. I never allowed my mother to get close to me. Wouldn’t. She died two years ago, and when she died, I hadn’t spoken to her in three months. I think that’s why so many relationships have failed for me. I put all these expectations and standards on what should be and forgot about what is. I thought I understood how love worked too. To really love someone the way you need to, there’s a certain amount of dependence there. You’re trusting them with a part of yourself that you don’t give to just anyone. For me, I never gave it. You’re trusting them with your heart. It took me a while to realize that.”

“It took you a really long fucking time,” he adds, smiling.

“Let me finish.” I slap at him.

Chuckling, Jake crosses his arms over his chest, leaning away from me. “Fine. Finish.”

“Well…” I smile. “I actually was done. Except for, I’m in love with you.” A huge weight lifts from my shoulders. Even if he rejects me now, at least he knows how I really felt. How I’d felt all along.

When I raise my eyes to his, part of me is surprised to see him smiling. But there’s a certain sadness to his eyes. I remember it from before. It’s still there. A sadness he isn’t sure he can let go of. A hole he never mended. “The way I loved you was consuming. It destroyed me for reasons I will never understand.” He laughs, his voice cracking. He stares up at me like he needs me to breathe. “I loved you more than I thought I did. More than I should have for just eleven days together. That scared me too.” He shrugs one shoulder, another familiar gesture. Jake and his shrugs.

The way he speaks and the words in past tense has uneasiness settling over me. As if this is him letting me down. My eyes start burning, tears threatening to spill over.

“Don’t do that,” he chokes, shaking his head. “I never said that I didn’t want you.”

His eyes find mine again, but they tell a different story from the one I knew from before. This one splits my chest and bares my soul for him.

“Technically, I didn’t say anything,” I point out with a small laugh. “You terrify me. You fucking terrify me,” I cry, gasping. “I’ve never felt something like that before. It’s scary, and I hate it. It’s uncontrollable and irritating.”

Laughing, Jake wraps his arms around me, drawing me into his side as we sit down on the couch. “I know,” he agrees, turning his head into my hair, then sighs. “Love’s messy.” I’m so close to him now I can feel his heart beating. I missed this.

For some reason, I turn and go to kiss him.

But… he stops me, pushing away just slightly, and his eyes find mine again. “Don’t do it unless you mean it.”

I don’t want to hear those words. Not now, not ever. His denial makes me cry harder, and he hasn’t even said no.

Jake sighs. “Look at me, Kendall,” he begs, his voice cracking. I can’t though. I try, again, and still can’t. What if he tells me to leave? “Please… just look at me.”

I silently prepare myself for how it’s going to feel. Tensing and squeezing my eyes shut.

And then I look up at him.

His eyes are soft and tender. “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, Kendall.” He’s speaking lightly, trying to make me see. “I just can’t go back there. I can’t have what we had before. It took me months to get you out of my head, and I still haven’t. If you came here just for that….” He swallows, drawing in a deep breath. “Do you know how hard it was to let you walk away?”

I nod, as though I half expected his response, because I did. Standing, I distance myself from him. “I understand.”

“I don’t want City Girl anymore,’” he says quietly, standing as well and moving toward me again.

I run my hand over his jaw, sighing heavily. This sucks. “I’m sorry I came here. I should probably go,” I say, breaking away from his gaze.

He grabs my hand before I can run away, yanking me back to him. “No.”

His words make my blood run warm, spreading throughout, leaving me anxious at what’s to come.

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