Page 82 of Promise Not To Fall

Anyway, the actor ended up taking the role because he had this gut feeling, this deep-down wrenching feeling that this role was the role he was meant to play. His muse, he called it.

That role, that movie, ended up topping the box office the first night it was out.

You don’t walk away from gut-wrenching. You just don’t.

I did with Jake.

Chances like this only happen once. No one, especially me, wants to admit they are wrong. You’re admitting failure. That’s hard for anyone. Deep down, I know one thing, I want to go back to those shades of blue, sun and sand surrounded by water. I want my whiskey sour and swaying palm trees.

When my mother died, I knew I probably wouldn’t stay in Phoenix forever. Part of me wanted to leave when she died, not wanting the reminder any longer. But I stayed for Rylee.

Leaving Rylee will be the hardest, and I can’t do that right away. I tell Stevie I want the job, but I need some time to tie up everything here in Phoenix first. She tells me the job’s mine.

Moving to the Bahamas has its perks, though. Jake. And a chance at something different from what I was doing. It’s laid back there, and sure, I won’t make as much money, but when you think about it—and I do a lot—what’s more important, love or money?

Three months ago, I would have said money. I was that girl because of the way I was raised. Now, I’d shout love from the beachside cabanas while sipping island concoctions that only my island boy can make.

In the weeks since I left the islands, Jake and I still text a lot because calling long distance is outrageous from the Bahamas, and it feels good that we’ve left things on a good note. I have a friend. I have more than a friend, and I know it.

When I think about him in any way, I remember everything about that trip. Everything. The void. The absence of Island Boy. His smile, those thick dark lashes that seem like curtains to the beautiful depths his eyes hold.

I wonder if any of those girls he talked about being with had ever felt like this when they left. Did they know what they were missing? Had he treated them the way he treated me? Did they feel any of this?

Leaving there broke my heart. But with any break, there’s a chance to heal. You need your heart for a lot of things. You need it to beat, to feel, to love, to hurt, heal, break, and forgive. You need it to believe, to understand, and to forget. You need it to promise.

Most of all, you need it to trust you know what’s right for it. For years I’ve fought for control. I wanted everything planned so I wouldn’t lose my way. In a sense, I had lost my way. I hid a good part of myself away to resist feeling vulnerable. When I went to the Bahamas, I let that side down. I opened up my soul and heart and let it be, trusting it knew what was right.

In a sense, I think it did exactly what I wanted it to.

Deep down you know who you are and why you are the way you are. Others don’t… until you give them a glimpse.

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