Page 91 of Trading Paint

I was acting and behaving like a pit lizard. When he called, I came running. I blew off finals; I stood up friends, anything if he needed me.

Something had to give and I knew what it was, me. I couldn’t be in two places at once and it wasn’t fair to Jameson for me to promise to be there and then not show. He didn’t deserve that and I couldn’t handle the guilt any longer.

I loved him but yet I couldn’t tell him. I wanted him but yet, I couldn’t tell him simply because I knew how he felt. I was a distraction to him and he needed to focus. Last season was a prime example.

I watched highlights from the races I wasn’t at and heard about the temper tantrums and the girls. This wasn’t my best friend but that somehow had something to do with me. There were times that I thought maybe he might have some feelings but then he’d pull away. I don’t think Jameson knew what he wanted, besides racing.

Alley told me he checked his phone more than anything, called non-stop and when I was there, he finally focused.

Some could view this as him having feelings but I knew Jameson well enough to know that wasn’t the case. He depended on me because I was the one person who could keep him at ease. But I also had my dad to think about.

He wanted me to take over at Grays Harbor eventually as he had no one else to do it and I couldn’t let him down.

Charlie had worked so hard for so long to build Grays Harbor into the facility it was and I couldn’t just let him throw all that away. That track meant more to us than we could ever really express. When he was broken, racing put him back together, that track put him together. I couldn’t let him down so I made the decision to focus on school. I wasn’t sure how the hell I was going to make it away from my family for so long but I tried to be a big girl about it,tried. It didn’t work out so well when I saw Jameson the night before I left to Bellingham for winter quarter.

Redlining – Jameson

“When did she tell you that?” I demanded of Spencer.

We were standing inside the sprint car shop in Elma and I set the torsion bar down. I was far too unstable to be holding something capable of destroying anything. I had been in here all morning avoiding my family and everyone else.

“She told Alley and I overheard.” Spencer sat down on a rear tire crossing his arms over his chest. “It was too hard for her last season...you can’t expect her to travel with us forever. Like you said, she’s not your girlfriend.”

“What exactly did she say?”

“Just that she’s leaving for Bellingham. In order to graduate in three years she has to finish up there. Her online classes weren’t working out real well.”

I knew this was going to happen but it pissed me off to no end that she didn’t tell me first. I thought we were best friends and now I have to find out from my fucking brother that when I leave in a few weeks she’s not coming with me?

I spent the rest of the day out there afraid to be around anyone but myself.

Sway came over that night and one look at her flushed distraught appearance and I couldn’t stay mad.

We sat in silence on my bed for a while before I sighed. I had to just get it over with and it had been eating at me all day.

“Spencer said you aren’t coming.” I mumbled my stomach knotted at the thought. I was surprised I got the words out.

“That fucking brat,” she said shaking her head defeated.

“So it’s true?”

“No...I mean yes; it’s true. I can’t go with you guys but I wanted to tell you myself not have that ape tell you.”

Hanging my head my eyes dropped to my hands.

“When do you leave for Bellingham?”

“Tomorrow,”

Nodding I reached for her and pulled her into a tight hug and moved to lay down on my bed holding her. I nearly cried. I could feel the tears sting my eyes but I held my own, barely. My self-control was wavering when she burst into tears and clung to my sweatshirt.

“I’m sorry, I just...”

I silenced her cries with my lips for a quick kiss and pulled away before I gave in and kissed her the way I wanted to, did the things I wanted to. “Don’t apologize.”

“I just...I want to be there with you guys. You guys are my family and now I’m traveling to Bellingham alone...I don’t even know anyone up there.” She wailed.

“It’s all right honey. I can come see you when I can. I’ll fly out there or something.” I reassured her. “I think maybe July might be fairly open so I’ll just skip a few races.”

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