Page 80 of Free to Fall

I leaned forward, elbows on my knees, jaw tight. I didn’t look at Egypt at first. “They charged him,” I said. “Nate. The DA’s office filed everything this morning.” Egypt reached for my hand slowly. I let her take it.

“And how does that make you feel?” Dr. Ellis asked.

“How it should make me feel, is happy,” I muttered. “Relieved. Like justice is finally being served. But that’s not what this is.” I looked up finally, straight at Egypt. “Baby, I hate that nigga for what he did. But I also hate that part of me still remembers when he was the only one who gave a fuck about me. He protected me. When our moms was passed out drunk or not even home, he fed me. He made sure I had what I needed, even when he ain’t have shit. I loved him. Still do in some fucked up way.” Egypt squeezed my hand tighter. “But then he sent them dudes after me...after you. That bullet wasn’t meant for me, E. It was meant for you. And he knew what you meant to me. Heknew what we were building.” My voice broke there, and I had to look away. “I’m the reason our baby died. I’m the reason you went through that pain. Not just Nate. Me.”

“Egypt do you agree with Nasseem? Do you think he is to blame for what happened between the two of you? What happened to your child?”

The air in the room turned still. Like something had been cracked open. Egypt’s lips parted slightly, but no sound came out at first. I looked at her, really looked at her, and saw the battle in her eyes. The storm she’d been carrying all this time.

“At first,” she finally spoke, her voice was soft but sure, “I blamed both of us.” I swallowed hard trying to prepare myself for this conversation. I had thought about it often, knew it needed to happen but no matter how much I prepared for it, I would never really be ready to hear the truth. “I blamed me for falling for someone I knew could break my heart, and I blamed him for breaking it anyway.” Damn. I knew that, but damn; it hurt to hear it out loud. Still, I let her continue. “There were days,” she said, “especially in the beginning, when I wished I had never gotten involved with you. Not because I didn’t love you, because I did. I do. But because the pain…it was too much. And I was scared I wouldn’t come back from it.” She blinked fast, trying to keep the tears from falling. I could feel my own throat tightening. “But then,” she said, looking at me, “I remembered the joy. The love. How good it felt to imagine our future. And I realized…even if I could take it all back, I wouldn’t.”

I stared at her, heart heavy, chest burning. Dr. Ellis looked at me next. “And you, Nasseem? Care to expand more on why you blame yourself?”

I ran a hand down my face, leaned forward on my elbows. “Yeah,” I said hoarsely. “I blamed myself. Every fuckin’ day. I told myself if I hadn’t let Nate get close, if I’d been smarter, if I’d protected you better…our baby would still be here.” The tearsthat were welling up in her eyes started to slowly fall and it caused my heart to shatter just like all the other times I’d seen her cry and knew I was the reason for it. But I had to continue, I had to get things off my chest and out in the open. “There were moments I wished I’d stayed away from you. That I hadn’t fucked up your peace. That I hadn’t come back into your life just to bring you pain. But…then I’d remember what we had. What we still have. You gave me something I didn’t think I’d ever have, a chance to build somethin’ real. You were my peace too.”

Egypt leaned forward and cupped my face, forcing me to look at her. “I think we’ve both blamed ourselves long enough, don’t you think?” I nodded my head feeling my own tears fall down my face which I quickly wiped away. “Don’t hide from me, okay? I’m here, you’re here…we are here Nasseem. We have to stop punishing ourselves for something we couldn’t control.”

Dr. Ellis let the silence breathe between us for a moment before speaking again.

“Pain is layered, Nasseem. And you’ve both lost so much in such a short time. It’s okay to carry conflicting truths. To mourn a brother and still sever the tie. To grieve a child and still look toward healing.”

I nodded slowly before turning back to Egypt as she climbed into my lap and wrapped her arms around my neck. “I love you.” She whispered against my chest.

After the session, we didn’t speak about it again. But something heavy lifted in that room. I saw Egypt exhale like her heart had let go of something. And me? I was still bruised, but I could breathe.

That night, as we sat across from each other to eat dinner, I reflected on the love I had for Egypt for so long first as frenemies then as frenemies with benefits and now into our relationship and love for one another. I reflected on what I felt like was a breakthrough for us and knew that the moment I was willing tobe honest enough to cry in front of that woman, I was a goner. So, I pulled out my phone and texted Averi.

Me: Yo. I need your help. I’m ready to pick out a ring.

Ave: WHAT???? Nasseem, don’t play with me. Say swear.

Me: On everything I love, including her. Meet me tomorrow?

Ave: I’m honored, brother. This is exciting.

The next day we pulled up to the Jean Dousset showroom like royalty—blacked out SUV, assistant driving, security trailing close. I had my hoodie low, Averi in her oversized shades, and the staff knew not to say shit to nobody. It was one of the most exclusive jewelers in LA, had NBA legends and Oscar winners on their roster. Today, it was all about Egypt.

Averi leaned over the rows of diamond rings with a knowing smirk. “So, what vibe are we going for? Loud as hell? Soft and sentimental? Or somewhere in the middle?”

I exhaled slow, my eyes scanning the velvet trays being laid out in front of us. “Somethin’ that says ‘I’d do this life with you. Twice.’”

“Bet.” She nodded, then pointed to a ring with a 4 carat pink radiant cut diamond on a delicate pavé band in rose gold. It was elegant, timeless, and still bold. “Her favorite color is pink and this just looks like something Egypt would wear, it’s her in ring form.” The second I saw it, I knew. My chest tightened like my heart was sayin’this it, fool. “She gon’ say yes,” Averi said without looking up.

“You sure?” I asked holding the ring between my fingers, twirling it around and examining it closely.

“Nas…” she paused, facing me fully now. “My girl is down bad about you, real bad. I never thought I’d see the day where ya’ll had a civil conversation let alone be in love with each other. So yeah, she’s definitely saying yes.”

I paid in full, all 22k. I had them engrave the inside of the band with the date we first said, “I love you” and had the box delivered to the house a few days later. It was now hidden in my closet like a damn crown, waiting to be placed on its queen.

A week passedand Egypt's album was finally done so she had invited me to the studio. When I arrived, I was surprised to see it was just her and I. She stood from the sound board and wrapped her arms around me before placing a kiss on my lips.

The lights in the studio were dim and there were, lit candles on the side table. Egypt wore a wrap on her head, no makeup, just an oversized tee and biker shorts. She looked so beautiful it made my chest ache just a complete natural beauty. Her skin was glowing in the light of the candle as she pulled out of our embrace.

“Hey you.” She nuzzled her face in my chest. “I missed you.”

I’d woken up early this morning and hit the gym. My fight was scheduled for a few weeks away and I was spending more time in the gym to make sure I was absolutely ready for it.

“My bad baby, I just been needing to hit the gym early.”

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