Page 49 of Free to Fall

“You think love fix everything?” he shot back. “This ain’t about love. This about reality. About not fuckin’ up both our lives for a baby we ain’t ready for.”

“We?” I hissed. “Don’t say ‘we’ when you meanyou. I’m a big girl, a grown woman. I would’ve figured it out. I would’ve made it work. But you?—”

“I ain’t built for that shit, E.”

“Then get the fuck out.”

He shook his head. “If you keep it, we done.”

I stepped toward him, fire burning in my chest. “Nasseem I put this on everything I love. I’m getting the abortion, and we’re still fuckin’ done. Do you understand, I never wanna see yo fuckin’ face again. How dare you sit here and accuse me of trappin’ you. You asked for this relationship, not me. I was cool where we was, but you pushed for this. You made me love you and this is the thanks I get for it. You a bitch ass nigga and there ain’t shit you can say to me ever again.”

He looked stunned. Then he laughed bitterly and grabbed his keys off the counter. “Whatever, I’m out.” He walked out without another word.

I dropped to the floor the second the door shut. My body shook with sobs, and I curled into myself, clutching my stomach like it could hold me together. But it didn’t. Nothing could.

I hadn’t saida word the entire ride. Averi kept glancing over at me from under the brim of her black cap, her brown eyes soft with worry behind her oversized shades. We were both dressed down, all black everything, hoodies and sweats like we were trying to disappear in plain sight. Because, well… we were. No one needed to know where I was going. Not the blogs and not the fans.

Before the fight I had with Nasseem only three days ago, I was sure I wanted to keep this baby; but after, all I could think about was the rejection. How I didn’t want to raise my child with a man who didn’t want it. I would never put myself through that, let alone a baby. So, I had my assistant make me an appointment to end it. It was one of the hardest decisions I ever made. I believed in a woman’s right to choose, but I never personally thought I would be going to an abortion clinic, not when all my life I had wanted a baby.

When we pulled up to the clinic, I could feel my heart rattling around in my chest. Every cell in my body was screaming, but my feet still moved. They took one look at us and didn’t even make us wait in the lobby. A nurse immediately escorted us into a private room, the door shutting with a soft but final click behind us.

It was cold and sterile. The kind of cold that seeped through your clothes and made a home in your bones. I sat on the little padded chair across from the exam table, elbows on my knees, fingers laced tightly like I was praying without even realizing it.

Averi sat across from me, arms folded, her knee bouncing. “You good?”

I nodded slowly, then shook my head. “No. Not really.”

She blew out a long breath and leaned forward. “Egypt, I know you don’t wanna talk about it, but... does he even know?”

I hesitated. My mouth opened, then closed. I didn’t want to lie, but I also wasn’t ready to say it out loud. Not yet. “Yes,” I whispered. “He knows.”

Averi frowned. “Okay well, what happened?” I didn’t respond, didn’t have the words to. Saying it out loud made it real and deep down, I was still protecting him. “Okay, what happened? Does he not want it? Why aren’t you saying what happened?”

“Because if y’all knew what he said to me… y’all would never look at him the same,” I said quietly, voice cracking. I swallowed hard and wiped at my eyes even though no tears had fallen yet. “And for better or worse, he needs this family. Us. Y’all. I can’t take that from him.”

“Egypt…” she started, shaking her head. “You’re not protecting him, you’re carrying him. Why is it always you sacrificing for everybody else?”

“Because that’s what I’ve always done.”

“Well, maybe it’s time you stop,” she said firmly. “You’re sitting here about to do something permanent. Something life changing. And you’re doing it for a man who told you he didn’t want it. But I know you do. I know you.”

I looked down at my hands in my lap. “I thought I was ready to do it. To just… end it before it became real. But the closer we got here, the more it started to feel like I was walking into a funeral.”

Averi’s eyes softened. “Then don’t go through with it. You don’t have to. The baby will be loved, Egypt. By all of us. Especially me, you know I got you.”

My heart cracked all the way open then. Because I did know. I knew she had me. I knew Serenity did. Arielle. Even Creed and Royal and Brodie. Even if Nas didn’t want this baby… this babywould never lack love. That was what I cherished the most about my friendship with these people and I thanked God every day for allowing me to be in New York at the right time because had I stayed in Memphis, I wouldn’t have a family, I wouldn’t have them.

“I always wanted to be a mom,” I said, voice barely above a whisper. “I used to dream about it. Me and my baby in a kitchen, music playing, food on the stove. Laughter. Peace. I didn’t get that but for a short time with my mama and I wanted to feel that again with my own baby.”

“Then why are we here?” she asked, her voice gentle.

“Because I thought maybe this wasn’t the right time. That I needed to get rid of it so I could keep everything else afloat,” I admitted. “But I realized that nothing else matters if I don’t have peace.”

“And does this baby feel like peace?”

I didn’t answer with words. I just stood up, grabbed my purse, and walked to the door. The nurse standing outside looked surprised when I opened it. “I’m not going through with it,” I said.

She blinked. “Are you sure?”

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