Page 37 of Sass in the Grass

To his surprise, they did. Alan asked, “Remember when Cher was trying to teach Tai how to not only be cute, but be a good person?”

Knowing the movie word-for-word, he huffed, “Of course, and she didn’t. She was a nightmare.”

“She eventually did,” Kathy said.

“Not that I don’t love Queen Brittany, rest in peace, but being compared to Tai…”

Mike held up his hands to his friends. “Then be Cher. You know, when she was trying so hard to show Josh that she was more than shopping and primping?”

When Mike said that it became so clear, it was like the dark skies parted and let in a beam of white light. “O-M-G, Dixon is my Josh?”

“Dixon is your Josh,” Mike sighed exhaustedly, and he was the one to fall back onto the bunk. Alan just silently laughed, and Kathy clapped. “Very good, Mike. That got him.”

Alan explained, “Listen, Jovian, the best way to get to Coach is learning his world. He loves the mountains, loves teaching others how to survive in them. He’s an amazing tracker, hunter, knows what every single plant in the area is, and what it’s used for.”

“Used for? What are you talking about?”

Mike groaned, “Alan, he wasn’t listening to ninety percent of the lessons, remember?”

“Right. I forgot. Some plants are good for food, others for medicine. Still, some others are poisonous. Mushrooms too, some great to eat, others will kill you.”

“Then why would we eat any of them?”

Kathy whispered patiently, “If you’re lost in the woods, Jovian, you might not have food. Mushrooms and tubers could get you through long enough to get rescued.”

“Also, some plants, like cactus, hold water in them, so if you can’t find water, you know.”

Jovian deflated from being upset with himself. “I really should have listened, but it was all so boring!”

“But it could save your life.”

“If I don’t get him, I promise, I’ll never need to know these things, because I will go back to the city, where there is a coffee shop on every block and plenty of natural food stores all over the place. Believe me, I’d never use the knowledge.”

“Fine. That is a deal. If that happens, you can forget it all, but for now, you will learn it all.”

“All? All of that boring stuff? Do I really have to?” he whined.

“Yes, Jovian. All.”

The third to fall back on a bunk, Jovian kept whining as he landed on the hard bunk. “I’ll never survive learning how to survive. I’ll die of utter boredom!”

“We’ll make sure we carve that on your gravestone,” Mike said, which made Jovian sit right back up again.

“Don’t you dare bury me! Worms crawling in this body? I don’t think so!”

After lunch, his friends took him to the woods and showed him all the things he’d missed while not paying attention to Dixon’s lessons. Alan also suggested he take Dixon’s advanced lessons, which were starting the next day.

“How advanced? I mean…will I have to go without showering, like that last trip?”

“Yeah…Jovian,” Alan said in amazement.

“My skin is going to be hell. I hope you know that.”

“I’ll risk it.”

Jovian hated them at that moment, but they were only trying to help him. For that, he’d give them a pass. “So, these plants that I can eat, what if they taste bad?”

Kathy was the most patient of them when he asked questions. While Mike and Alan were rolling eyes and groaning like a couple of hot men in a nursing home, Kathy explained, “Hold your nose and swallow.”

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