Page 34 of Sass in the Grass

“I mean, dead-naming me is bad enough, but they had a funeral service for me. For their son.”

Dix felt sick to his stomach hearing that, but Jovian was openly crying.

“They…had a funeral for you?” Jovian asked her.

“Yeah. They invited the entire church, and of course, they all came. They sat around praying for my soul all day, and that includes at least two women, one of whom had gotten breast cancer and had to have them cut off and another three who’d added a few cup sizes to theirs. Like…they changed their bodies, but so long as their pronouns were the same, it’s okay?”

Victor, a gay man with major trust issues, also because his parents, said, “I think, and I’m sorry to anyone who’s maybe had cancer, I’m not downplaying it, I swear, but I think it’s very similar. My best friend is an FTM, and he says it feels like cancer, being in the wrong body. Like it eats away at everything, it makes you sick, and then, once you live your truth, your body heals because your mind is at ease.”

“That’s exactly how it feels. It did for me, although I can’t speak for everyone.”

Dix took a deep breath, then spoke in a soft voice to Carrie and the rest. “We can be brave through the worst things, in my experience, and you have, Carrie. What was meant to break you didn’t. You’re here, you’re searching for a community to replace one that didn’t fulfill you. So many of us have done that, so you’re in good company. The thing is, Carrie, and everyone, just because you make some friends, it doesn’t mean you’re healed. It means you’re trying to heal. If you go home and are plunged back into a lonely space, do what you need to dofor you. Move, if you can, reach out to those you’ve met here and keep in close touch. Find safe spaces where you can be yourself. I’ve seen it, where some go back and realize that this camp didn’t fix all the broken pieces of their lives, and they’re drowned in mourning over what could have been.”

“I’m moving,” Carrie said. “This camp mended a very broken piece of my life. I no longer have to live in my small town. I’m moving to Cheyenne with Denise Houston, a girl from here. She’s already set up a moving van for me.”

Everyone clapped for her, but Dix watched Jovian’s response, and it wasn’t cheerful in the least. He decided to put the guy on the spot, but not in front of everyone. That made people like Jovian dive inside themselves and never return.

After everyone got to their blankets and there were quieter conversations happening, Dix moved his bedroll over to where Alan’s had been. “These stories…I’ve heard them for years and they still get to me.”

“This is what I’m supposed to…find out or whatever. I’m spoiled and a brat, so they wanted to teach me a lesson.”

“Did it?”

“I don’t know, okay? It’s like you’re obsessed with me.”

“Okay,” he said, though he was smiling inside. “Jovian, you don’t mind, right? If you have to get up tonight, please wake me. I don’t want you going off alone.”

“Okay,” is all he said in a very small voice. It was unlike Jovian’s normal voice, so much that Dix grew more worried.

“Listen, Jovian, not everyone who is lonely comes from a small town. I’ve known plenty that were lonely in crowds.”

“I’m not. You’re giving Dr. Phil right now, and I don’t need more therapy.”

Dix chuckled and said, “Fine. I was only trying to help. I forgot, your life is perfect.”

All he got for that was a frustrated grunt.

“I’m going to sleep. If you need to piss, tell me now or wake me up.”

“You’re…you don’t want to…you know…”

“No, Jovian, I really don’t,” he lied convincingly.

“Fine. I don’t want to either. I was just testing you!”

“I passed, so go to sleep.”

He rolled himself up like a burrito and made sure he was facing the other way. All that did was let Dix’s eyes roam down to that sweet little ass that the blanket barely covered. Smiling in the dark, Dix lay his head on the crook of his arm, letting himself think on exactly what it might feel like to be inside it.

Jovian, shaking him gently, awakened him. He opened his eyes to see Jovian’s staring down at him. “What’s up?” he growled sleepily.

“I have to go.”

“Oh, okay, he said groggily. The day had worn him more than he thought, and he got up slowly, stretching a little. “Okay, let’s go.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to wake you, but…there are all kinds of noises.”

That woke him, and he grabbed Jovian’s arm gently, listening to the woods around him. There were rodents scurrying over the forest debris and a deer at least twenty feet away, but he heardnothing that could be a danger. “I think we’re okay. Let’s not travel far, though.”

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