Page 67 of In Her Shadow

“You were seventeen, and my best friend. All my dad ever cared about was his reputation. You must have seen that it was never gonna happen,” I point out to her. The angles I’m tied at are so uncomfortable, I really need to move.

“Are you really accusingmeof being naïve?” She places a pillow behind my back when she notices me struggling to get into a better position.

“So where is this baby now?” I question her, feeling a little relief from the extra support of the pillow.

“Nile said we’d be safe having the baby here. I remember being where you are now, how scary it was, but he kept telling me everything would be okay. He spent more time here the closer I got to delivering, and my due date came and went. When I went into labor a few weeks later, I wasn’t scared anymore. I was just so happy that he was here and excited to meet our baby.” She picks up the water and brings it to my mouth so I can take a sip. “I didn’t expect it to take so long. Nile kept telling me everything was fine, but I could tell from his face that it wasn’t. Two other people arrived, by that time, I was in so much pain I couldn’t focus. I’d been pushing for what seemed like hours, and I was exhausted. We’d run out of the gas and air he’d brought from the hospital, and I was starting to fall asleep, even through the pain. But eventually she came.” Her voice softens, and she smiles to herself. “She came out, pink and healthy, screaming her lungs out like she wanted to be heard.”

“You had a girl,” I whisper, feeling tears in my eyes.

“I had a girl, I remember her screwed up little face. I’ll never forget it.” She wipes away her tears. “All I wanted to do was hold her. I’d carried her for nine months, wondering how it would feel, but when I held my arms out, your dad shook his head at me. He told me I was too weak; he said I wouldn’t want to drop her, so he handed her to the woman who was there, instead. I was too tired to argue; my legs were shaking. I feltlike everything was draining out of me, and that's when I looked down and saw all the blood.”

I can feel myself starting to shake just from hearing how horrific it all sounds.

“Nile was so calm; he stroked my hair and told me not to panic. He promised me he was gonna fix it all. But I saw how scared he looked. He was trying to do everything by himself, and those people who were there were just watching him, looking horrified. I felt him jab something into my hand; it was a drip, and he got the man who was there to stand and hold it. When he told me to count down from ten, I knew that he was putting me under. I remembered having to do that when I had my tonsils out. But I didn’t want to go to sleep. I wanted to hold my baby. I was so scared that if I went to sleep, I’d never wake up and see her again.” She starts sobbing uncontrollably, and despite the situation I’m in, if my hands were untied, I’d comfort her.

“I woke up and everything was quiet. I was in fresh clothes, the bed I was on was all clean, and my little girl was gone.” She looks up from the floor with eyes full of pain.

“Where was she?”

“Nile told me it was all for the best. That he’d found her a mom and dad who would be able to take care of her the way she deserved. He said I was too young; that he was too busy with work, and with you.” Her fists tense with anger. “He said that if I loved her, I’d understand that it was what was best.”

“That's why you hate me? You thinkIwas the reason Dad wouldn't let you keep your baby?” I say it out loud so she can hear how ridiculous that sounds.

“Don’t you see that he was abusing you, the same way he abused me? I just don’t understand how you couldn’t have. You were my best friend, youknewwhat he was doing to me.”

“Yeah, and I knew that I was a substitute; he never took it all the way with you because you were his daughter, but he couldwith me. Do you know how much it hurt when he’d say your name instead of mine? It hurt like fucking hell, Eloise. I hated you, but I couldn’t stop loving him.”

“You didn’t love him; it’s just your mind playing tricks on you. For years, I felt like I had to forgive him because he was my dad, but I got help. You can get help, too. My therapist–”

“You got yourself knocked up by your stalker, Eloise! Forgive me for not having much faith in your therapist,” she swipes at me cruelly. “Besides, I don’t need a therapist. I have a plan.” Her hand rubs my belly again, and the dreamy smile she makes as she looks at it makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs for help.

“We can find your baby. Ren’s smart, he’s got some really useful connections too. Let us help you find her.”

“See, now we’re moving ontoanotherway you managed to fuck my life up.” Her smile turns into an angry scowl. “My little girl wasn’t adopted; your father made his own, personal arrangement with that couple. On paper, my baby was never mine. I don’t know if she even exists. Any hope of me ever finding her was crushed when your daddy felt guilty enough for what he did to you…” She jabs her finger hard into my chest, “...to hang himself from that rope.”

“Is that what he was doing in my apartment, looking for something that might help find your daughter?” I look down at the body on the floor.

“I figured it was worth a try; you’d said a few years ago that you had paperwork of his that you were avoiding going through.”

“Katelyn, I still have all that. I can tell you exactly where it is, and we can go there together and look through his stuff. Please, Katelyn, I want to help you.” I beg her to start seeing some sense.

“She’ll be eight by now. She’ll have her own little personality; a favorite TV show, a favorite flavor of ice cream. She’ll love her parents. Nile wouldn't have given her up to bad people; he lovedher like I did. She won’t want me.” She moves toward the kitchen again, opening the refrigerator door and taking out a plate.

“You don’t know that, not until we try. Let me help you find her.” I watch as she peels off the cellophane covering the sandwich.

“We can make this right,” I tell her as she sits back on the edge of the bed.

“Don’t you see, Eloise? Iammaking this right. I carried a baby for nine months, I deserve to be a mom.”

“And you will be, Katelyn, even if you don’t want to look for your daughter. You can find someone, someone who loves you. You can start a family, be happy,” I promise her, and when she slaps me hard across the face, I stare back at her in shock

“He had to take my womb out, Eloise," she tells me sternly, and I feel more tears streak down my face when I realize that I’m not getting out of this.

“I can’t carry another baby. And this one is as close to him as I’m ever gonna get.” She smiles as she rubs the side of my stomach and finds her calm again.

“Come on, eat this. I want my little girl to be nice and healthy.” She holds half a sandwich up to my mouth for me to bite.

REN

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