Page 7 of In Her Shadow

I watch the minutes tick by, and when it gets to five thirty, I abandon my drawing and move closer to the window. She could be home anytime from now, and I focus on the street, waiting to catch a glimpse of her. It’s ten minutes before I see her walking down the street carrying two heavy-looking grocery bags in her hands. She smiles at the people who pass her, looking so pleased with herself that it breaks my heart.

Watching her for this long has shown me that despite what the world has done to Eloise, she’s still able to appreciate the good in it. She finds the good in everything around her. I’m starting to believe that she could see the good in me, too, and that’s foolish. How could I ever expect a girl like her to understand a person like me? She spends every day of her life fighting her way out of the darkness, while I fester in it.

I wait for her to make it up the stairs, then watch the live feed cameras from my computer as she busies herself in her kitchen.It looks as if she’s following a recipe on her phone, and it doesn’t take long for her to get all flustered. She’s switching between chopping up vegetables and stirring whatever's on the stove. And when things start to really get hectic, she ties her hair up on top of her head.

I rest my shoulder against the window wall and smile at the thought of her going through all that effort for me. I like that she’s aware of me now far too much, and suddenly, I start to feel a whole lot of pressure. I don’t know if what she has planned tonight counts as a date. I’ve never been on one before. For as long as I can remember, my entire existence has revolved around one person, a girl who I’ve convinced myself I will never have. Maybe tonight could change that, but it’s never gonna change me. It’s not gonna change the things I’ve done either.

I take a quick shower and put on some jeans with a clean black T-shirt and when the time comes to make my way over, I take a long, deep breath and hope my fucking restraint holds. I would stop myself from breathing before I did to Eloise what others have done, but that doesn’t mean being close to her is easy, especially now I know how it feels to have her touch me.

I start making my way across the street, checking my surroundings in case anyone is watching, even though it wouldn’t matter if they were. I’ve been invited into her apartment tonight. If the neighbours see me, I have an explanation for being there. Stepping up to her door, I automatically go to take out my key, then drop it back in my pocket and press the intercom instead.

“Hey, come on up.” Her voice chimes out of the speaker, and I stroke my fingers over it and smile. She sounds so happy and excited, it’s beautiful to hear. It also makes me start doubting everything I've spent the afternoon convincing myself of. This girl may be a little bit broken, but she’s happy. She’s always looking for the best in life, and I’m sure to cast a shadowover that. My mind is poisoned with dark thoughts, and my conscience is beyond redemption.

She’s Heaven. I’m Hell.

I shouldn’t be here.

I close my eyes and picture that face that I’ve drawn so many times. The face that pulls me out of those dark thoughts, the one that gives me a reason to breathe. I traced it with my fingers the other night and felt that it was real. Being with her didn’t feel wrong. It felt like salvation. So I leave my doubts out here and push open the door.

ELOISE

“Shit, Shit Shit.” He’s actually on time. Who in New York ever shows up dead on time? I quickly buzz him in and check the food one more time, before making a last-second stop off at the mirror to check my hair. For once, I’m grateful that the elevator is broken. His three-story climb gives me the chance to pull myself together and decide for sure if I’m really going to go through with this.

I have no idea why my body reacts so differently toward this nameless stranger, but I owe it to myself to explore it. I should be nervous, not excited. His eyes are so menacing, his tattoos are as hot as they are intimidating, and I’ve picked up on the hint of psycho energy he gives, yet here I am, inviting him up here for dinner, and wearing my best underwear…just in case.

I’ve never had ajust-in-casescenario in my entire life.

Knock. Knock.

“Here we go.” I take one last glance in the mirror and take a deep breath before I head to the door to let him in.

“Hi.” His head is tilted downward, and he looks up at me with those lethal eyes as his thumb strokes his lower lip. Heat creeps up my neck when I think about how it might feel to have it stroking mine, and how his lips would feel on my skin. ThenI realize I’ve been thinking for far too long and quickly snap myself out of it.

“Come in.” I open the door wider and step out of his way, inviting him into my safe space and wondering at what point my panic will wake up and kick in. Perhaps it’s because he’s been here before that I don’t feel uncomfortable, or maybe it’s because I get a sense that he’s the one guarding himself from me.

“You can take a seat right there.” I gesture to the couch, suddenly very aware that this is an open-plan apartment and my bed is in full view. The same bed I’ve imagined him lying me on, and kissing me…and… “Can I get you a drink? Beer, wine…”

“I don’t drink,” he informs me as he takes a seat on my couch, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees. I can’t help studying how he looks, here in my space. It feels weird, wonderfully weird. “A water would be good,” he says, breaking the silence and shaking me out of my thoughts again.

“Water. Yes. One water coming right up,” I click my fingers and breeze over to the refrigerator. When I open the door it puts a barricade up between us and I remind myself to be fucking cool. I’m acting like an overexcited puppy, and this guy doesnotgive me puppy-lover vibes.

I grab the water jug and fill a glass for him, then reaching for a bottle of wine, I open it and pour myself a glass.

“Where did you say your apartment was again?” I strike up some conversation as I head back over to the living area and hand him his drink. His eyes remain fixed hard on mine as he takes a sip, then places it on my coffee table.

“I didn’t,” he answers blankly.

“I’m sure you said it was close.” I laugh nervously, taking a huge gulp of my wine before I sit on the couch and leaving a whole person gap between us.

“It is close.” He nods his head, still refusing to give anything away.

“I was scared you wouldn’t come,” I confess, instantly wishing I could take the words back when I hear them out loud, and he raises his eyebrow at me suspiciously.

“Why? I’m just a stranger to you,” he questions me, and unlike him, I feel the need to explain myself.

Here goes…

“The thing is, it feels like you're not. I have issues, pretty big ones, actually.” I feel my face turning pink, and the laugh I make to try and lighten the atmosphere only seems to make his stare more intense. “I… I don’t trust men very easily; in fact, I’ve never had one in this apartment. Except, of course, for maintenance, and even then, I’ve had to schedule them around Katelyn so she could be here with me. There was one time she ended up dating the gas guy… I—” I cut myself off when I realize I’m rambling, it’s a nervous trait. “Anyway… when I woke up last week and you were here, I should have freaked out.”

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