Page 36 of In Her Shadow

“Is this what you want from me?” I look at other sketches, one of me naked and tied up in ropes. Another close-up of his tongue licking through an open gash on my hip. There are so many of them, and I have to ignore the fact that seeing them puts a sordid, little tingle inside me so that I can focus on what's happening.

“Is this where you live?” I look across to the window that looks directly out to my apartment and shake my head.

“Eloise, there's more to it than that. Ignore these drawings, ignore all this.” He tries to tear the picture out of my hand, and when I pull back from him again, he looks crushed. “I get that seeing this is scary.”

“Scary? Ren, you’ve drawn out my entire life! How long have you been watching me?” I look at the pictures he’s drawn of me when I was a little girl, not much older than ten.

“All these were dreams, and now…Please don’t be freaked out, you're upset, you need to calm down and let me explain.”

“I can’t do this right now.” I feel the walls closing in on me, and all the sketches of my past, present, and future, crushing with them. It’s overwhelming and too much for me to handle after just finding out that I’m pregnant. I figure the fact that I’m pregnant in more than half of these pictures answers my question about how Ren would feel knowing that I’m carrying his child.

“I need you to give me some space,” I tell him sternly

“El, you know I’m not good at that.” He suddenly looks panicked himself.

“Well, you're gonna have to find a way to get better at it, because I need time to think about all this, it’s too much.” I start backing away toward the staircase.

“Don’t leave, please,” he begs me, his eyes looking wild with fear.

“Just give me a little time, Ren.” I start to cry when I think about how stupid I’ve been, how I let thrill consume me.

“How much time?” he asks, his forehead furrowing deeper

“I don’t know.”

“C’mon, Kitten, you know I would never hurt you,” he tells me weakly, and I look down at the picture still in my hands, then back up to him.

“Don’t come after me, Ren. Don’t follow me. Please.” I turn my back on him and run. Rushing out of the warehouse and back to my apartment, where I double-lock the door. I drop the picture from my hand and rest both hands on my stomach, bursting into tears when I realize what a mess I’m in. Then, when I reach for my back pocket to take out the pregnancy test I was going to provide to Ren as evidence, I realize it’s not there…

REN

Ispent the whole of last night at The Pit, just to stop myself from going to her. Eloise is right, she needs space and time to take in what she saw yesterday. I’m just worried that space and time are going to make her fear me more than she already does. I’m battered and bruised, but nothing hurts as bad as seeing that scared look on her face when I found her in my lair. Now my heart feels as if it’s been ripped out of my chest, I’m so fucking angry and the only person I have to blame is myself.

I was happy living a lie for her, but the truth was always going to come out eventually. I just never intended for it to come out like this.

I sit alone in the place I call home, staring at the positive pregnancy test that dropped out of her back pocket in her rush to get away from me.

I always have a plan, but I have no idea what to do now. What I want to do is head over to her apartment, wrap her up in bubble wrap, and protect her from the wicked world we live in. I want to explain everything from start to finish so she doesn’t think I’m a freak…Okay, she’ll probablystillthink I’m a freak, but maybe less of one than she does right now.

Eloise’s blind has been pulled all the way down ever since she left here yesterday. I’ve spent hours watching her through the cameras, and all she’s done is stare at that damn picture I drew.

I’m surprised when, at eight-thirty am, she steps out of the bathroom and starts getting dressed like she’s going to work. I thought that, given all that happened yesterday, she’d take a day off, but after putting on a smart, button-up dress, my determined girl checks her hair in the mirror and heads out the door. I stand up and move to the window so I can watch her step outside. When she does, the first thing she does is look up toward me. She sees that I’m watching her and shakes her head disappointedly, before she continues to make her way toward work. I kick the chair that's beside the window across the room in frustration.

“Grrrrr.” Why does it have to be this way? It was so much fucking easier when I didn’t know how it felt to have her in my life. When she knew nothing of my existence. Now, she hates me. She’s carrying my baby, out there on the streets of New York, and she’s fucking hating me while she does it.

I can’t just wait around here doing nothing. I have to talk to her. So I pick up my jacket and quickly head down the stairs. I don’t follow her too closely, just enough for me to see her in the distance, and I can’t help notice how she keeps looking over her shoulder.

She looks tired, her eyes are red and swollen from all the crying she’s been doing, and I hate that I’m the cause of it all.

She eventually reaches her office building, and when she heads inside, I cross the street and stand in my usual spot, thinking of where I’d even start trying to explain if I get the chance.

I’ve been staring at her building for what feels like hours when a notification pops up on my phone, making me do a double-take. It comes from the motion detectors on one of thecameras installed in Eloise’s apartment. I can’t have missed her leaving work and going home. I know I’m distracted by the thoughts in my head right now, but I wouldn’t miss that. I open the app on my phone, and almost crush the thing in my hand when I see what it is that set it off.

Inside Eloise’s apartment is a person dressed all in black, with a motorcycle helmet covering their head. I stare closer at the screen, wondering how they could have entered, and trying to make out what they’re doing there. It soon becomes clear that whoever they are, they're looking for something. I watch as they open each of her drawers, sliding their hand through her clothes and underwear as if they have all the time in the fucking world. I need to know who this is fucker is and the only way I can do that is to go there and confront them. Tucking my phone back into my pocket, I start sprinting back toward Eloise’s apartment. As I get closer, I scan each person I pass, looking for someone wearing a helmet. When I get to her building, I use the key I have to enter and charge up the stairs. Her apartment door is shut, it doesn’t look like there’s been any kinda forced entry and when I let myself in, ready for a fucking fight, I find the place empty. My eyes scan the room; I throw open the bathroom door to check it, but there's nothing. Whoever was here is gone, and they have left no trace of being here.

I flop down on her couch and take out my phone, checking the footage to make sure I’m not going crazy, and sure enough, I see the intruder, here in my girl's safe place, touching all things.

It makes me so fucking mad that I could tear down the fucking walls.

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