Page 41 of What's Left of Me

I opened the door and there was Noel, a shaky smile on his face. “What’s going on, Phoenix?”

I couldn’t think. I tried to come up with something to make him go away but I couldn’t, so I just blurted it out.

“I don’t want to go slow, Noel. I want you to fuck me.”

His eyes widened, and I wished I could take back the words. Instead of him turning tail, he walked inside, shut the door, and pressed his lips to mine.

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

Noel

He was spiraling,and I was ill equipped to deal with this. The second he opened the door to his room, I could tell he was a mess and what to do with that, I wasn’t sure.

It wasn’t like I wasn’t insanely attracted to him, and yes I was very much on board with having sex with him, but I wasn’t a dickhead. He’d been through something I’d never understand, and I didn’t want to be the reason he fell further into the dark.

“Phoenix.” I walked him closer to the bed. “Breathe.”

“I’m breathing.” I sighed. “That’s the thing, Noel. I. Am. Breathing. And I keep being told to take my time, heal, go at my pace, but it’s too much and too little.”

I nodded and pressed my forehead to his. “I don’t…won’t take advantage of you, Phoenix. Don’t think for a minute I don’t want to pound you into the mattress, because I do. But not to have you regret it, or for it to set you back. Believe me, this holding off isn’t for my benefit.”

He sat on the bed and I joined him. “I want something for myself. And…” He bit his lip, and I waited. Hell, I’d wait as long as he needed.

“When I was rescued, and there were all these doctors, and people talking, even Hazel just wanting to surround me and help me and whatever it is they felt obligated to do, all I really needed was for people to go away. I didn’t want anyone, and yet I never wanted to be alone. I know this makes no sense.”

“Phoenix, it doesn’t have to make sense to anyone but you.”

“That’s the thing.” He rubbed his finger absently over the front of my hand. “I feel like it does. Everyone thinks I’m a gentle breeze away from shattering and all I want to do, right now, in this moment, is feel what I want to feel with whom I want to feel it with.” His hazel eyes met mine. “If you don’t want that, I won’t be mad, but please tell me. Don’t be afraid you’ll hurt my feelings or make me crawl back into myself.”

“Ha.” I took his hand more firmly in mine. “I think I’ve been clear on what I very much want. But where you’re certain, I’m worried I’ll make it worse.”

He pursed his lips, a tiny sparkle shone in his eyes. “Maybe we don’t listen to what everyone else says or guess what the right thing to do is. Why can’t we decide what we want to do?”

“And you want me to dick you down?”

A burst of laughter spilled from his gorgeous mouth, and it was exactly the response I’d wanted.

“Yeah, Noel, that’s what I want.”

“Where, when…”

“My sister tends to barge in here. How about your room?”

That was the best idea. “Okay, here’s what we’re going to do. I’m going to go to my room and shower. Why don’t you do the same, and if you change your mind at any time, just don’t show and tomorrow will just be another day?”

His brow quirked. “I’m sure I won’t change my mind, but okay.”

“Take your time.” I pressed a kiss to his forehead and stood. “See you in a bit.”

After I left his room, I was glad that I didn’t bump into anyone. It hadn’t gone unnoticed that Phoenix was off during dinner, but I’d reassured everyone I was happy to see what was going on. I hoped Hazel would leave him alone and just give him the night. What he chose to tell her or anyone would be up to him, but right now, he needed the space he wanted and to fill it with whatever or whomever he chose.

Which was me…and as I soaped up my body in the shower, I was equal parts excited and nervous. I was never nervous for sex, but I wanted this to be perfect for him, to be the thing he needed to keep him smiling.

Just a towel wrapped around my waist, I went to my computer to check the monitor. With the camera by my door, I’d be able to see Phoenix approach—or not, if he’d changed his mind.

A few minutes later I saw him round the corner, so I got up and opened the door. No sense in letting him linger or wonder what he should do.

“Were you watching me?” he asked as he stepped in.

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