Page 36 of Resist

He isn’t mine. I have no right to feel this way.

The door suddenly opens, and a wild-looking Ryker stands there. When his eyes land on me, he slumps.

“You left,” he snaps, panting hard. “I couldn’t find you—” He swallows. “I thought you left with someone.”

His face is red, from alcohol no doubt, but he doesn’t seem drunk. “I needed some space,” I reply. “I’m fine. Go away, back to your entertainment for the night.”

He frowns in confusion before it dawns on him. “Tilly? She’s our new makeup artist. She was going to show me her idea for tomorrow.”

I scoff, and he shuts the door, slipping the lock into place.

I should kick him out.

Didn’t I just say I’m done?

He’s here, though, looking so fucking beautiful it hurts. He’s here with me, his hands shaking at his sides.

The thing is, I would willingly be torn apart again and again just to have his eyes on me. I’d let him break my heart a million times for even just a moment in his presence.

He isn’t mine, but I wish he were. I’m just his bandmate here, his friend, and all I can do is watch as he walks away with blonde after blonde, taking my heart with him. Jealousy and sadness claw at me until I can scarcely breathe.

It hurts to love him.

I’m so tired of it all. I’m so tired of my heart hurting.

Hasn’t it been broken too much before?

“Can you leave?” Even my voice sounds tired. “I want some space.”

“From me?” he asks softly.

“From everyone,” I reply as I turn away and pull out my notebook. My lyrics stare back at me.

“No. I’m not going anywhere,” he snaps, and I glance up at him in the mirror. “We’re going to fix this once and for all.”

My scoff is my only answer.

“Fox, we’re friends?—”

I spin, leaping to my feet. His words unleash a tidal wave inside me. “Friends? I don’t want to be your fucking friend. Can’t you see that?” My chest heaves with my words as I meet his wide eyes, but I can’t hold it back. It flows up like vomit.

I might regret it later, but I’m so tired of holding everything back. “I never wanted to be your friend, Ryker. I always wanted to be more. I want to be your everything. I want to be the only reason you laugh. I want to be able to kiss you without it being for the cameras. I want to be able to sleep with you in my arms again without it having ulterior motives or PR behind it. I want to be able to love you without it being scripted, but you don’t. That’s the difference between us. You only want me when the cameras are on, while I always want you, and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of loving you. It hurts. It fucking hurts, so I’m done. I’ll be your bandmate, but I can’t be more, so don’t ask me to be.”

We stare at each other, my words hanging in the air. There’s shock in his eyes, but also something else.

“Fox—” The way he says my name has me stepping back, his eyes filled with pain as he stares at me. “What are you saying?”

I don’t respond for a moment, and he walks over as I turn, the mirror to my left as we stare at each other.

“I’m saying . . . I’m saying I’m done. I’ll stop pushing you or trying. You will never want me, and that’s okay. It’s my own fault. I broke my heart, not you, but I need you to let me go.”Turning away, I head to the door, unlocking it with shaking fingers, but his hands slam against it on either side of my head, shutting it with a bang as his warmth hits my back. His breath wafts over my ear, and even now, as my heart breaks, my body reacts.

“Let me go,” I beg.

“What if I can’t? What if I don’t want to let you go?” He rests his head on my back, and I hate the way I weaken. One word from him and I’m ready to give in, but my broken heart reminds me of the pain that awaits if I were to do that.

“Please,” I whisper, closing my eyes as I press my forehead to the door and restrain myself from reaching for him. “Please don’t make this harder. Please don’t give me hope where there is none.”

He’s quiet for a moment, and I open the door again, but he slams it shut with his hands, plunging us into the quiet darkness of this room.

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