Page 154 of We Are All Guilty Here

“Awful,” Emmy admitted. “Gerald loved Hannah. She was my best friend since forever. Cole adores her. Paul was her husband. They have a child together. Davey already lost a sister to violence. He’s going to lose his father. He almost lost his mother.”

“Those are all accurate statements.”

He was sounding like a lawyer again. “I’m standing in my dad’s office for the first time since he died, and I know if I let myself start crying, I’ll never be able to stop.”

When Dylan leaned into the silence this time, she knew it was because he was shocked. The last time Emmy had talked to him so openly was twelve years ago in a school hallway.

She made herself keep going. “I’ve been waiting so long for them to die.”

Saying the words out loud made Emmy feel like a monster, but she couldn’t take back the truth.

“Not that I wanted to lose them, but when Myrna got diagnosed, it started this clock winding down, and all I’ve heard every day, every week, every month and year since then was this constant ticking. Waiting for her to forget things, to forget places and memories and eventually, to forget me and Tommy and Cole and Dad.”

Emmy leaned back against the door to brace herself.

“And then Dad got his cancer diagnosis, and nobody could really tell us how long it would take for him to die, so another clock started ticking, and I couldn’t take both of them. Not at the same time. We had to watch Dad slowly fail, and meanwhile Mom’s haunting us like a ghost in her own house, and no one could tell us when it was going to end.”

Emmy had to stop to swallow.

“I miss them so goddam much, Dylan. I’ve dreaded losing them for so long, and suddenly, it’s like somebody snapped their fingers and both of the clocks stopped at the same damn time, and they’re just gone. And the worst part is that I’m so fuckingrelieved it’s finally over so I don’t have to live with that constant ticking anymore.”

She heard Dylan let out a long sigh of breath. “I’m so sorry,cariño. Sometimes, things just fucking suck, and you have to accept it, and there’s no shame in being relieved when the bad part is over.”

She wiped her nose with her sleeve. “Will you cook dinner for me?”

“My love, it’s midnight.”

Emmy looked at her watch. He was right. She’d lost all sense of time inside the dark room with Cole. A third day was inching up on the death of her father.

Dylan said, “How about I cook you breakfast?”

“Okay.”

She ended the call. She couldn’t start sobbing in front of the squad. She wiped her nose again. Dropped her phone on the desk. Her chest felt like a cattle prod was pressing into her ribs when she sank into her chair.

“Knock-knock.” Vanna Temple opened the door without being told to come in. She saw Emmy’s face and asked, “Bad time?”

Emmy’s eyes threatened to roll. There was never a good time for Brett’s irritating wife. Especially because she was pregnant and smug again. “What do you need, Vanna?”

“I was dropping off a fresh uniform for Brett. You got him working some long hours, missy.” Vanna struggled to sit in the folding chair. Her yellow and white polka dot dress stretched across her belly like a hospital sock. “I thought I should pop in to let you know Brett’s gonna toss his hat in the ring to run for sheriff.”

Emmy smoothed her lips together. The worst part about this conversation was that from the very beginning, her sister had been right.

“We both know you don’t want it,” Vanna said. “Nobody can fill Gerald’s shoes, but Brett’s gonna try his best to make your daddy proud. I hope he has your support.”

Emmy stared at her for an uncomfortably long time. “Where did you get that I don’t want it?”

“Well, it’s just hard work, isn’t it?”

“Are you unfamiliar with the last two days of my life?”

Vanna laughed, though nothing was funny. “I don’t think this town is ready for a female sheriff.”

“This town,” Emmy repeated. “You mean Clifton County, where all the Cliftons live, isn’t ready for another Clifton to be sheriff?”

“Oh, honey, that wasn’t a knock against you. It’s just not the natural order of things.” Vanna’s open shrug implied it was all beyond their control. “Women don’t lead. Men do. They’re the hunters. We’re the gatherers. They’re our protectors. We gotta let them protect us.”

“Who do we need them to protect us from?”

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