Page 89 of Not Fooling Anyone

He squeezes my hand reassuringly. “No. I’m pretty sure she wanted to that day I was waiting for you outside your class, but I wouldn’t take her bait. I figured if you wanted me to know, you would have told me.”

I drop my head back against the headrest, shutting my eyes. I should just tell him. Get it over with already. The longer I don’t, the more it’ll weigh on me. “His name was Cody,” I blurt out. “And he told everyone I slept with the entire baseball team. That they passed me around, that I gave great head, that I’d let any guy do whatever they wanted to me. The nastier the better.”

I keep my eyes shut, not wanting to see his reaction. For a kernel of doubt to wedge its way in his mind, the same as it did everyone else.Well, everyone knows her mom’s a druggie. This isn’t too far off the mark.

“What the actual fuck?” he finally says. “Why would he do that?”

“Because I punched him and broke his nose.”

There’s silence in the car for a solid twenty seconds. I count them, each passing second weighing me down further. Has any length of silence ever felt longer?

“Lexie… You have to give me more than that. You can’t stop the story there.”

I sigh heavily. He’s right.

Letting go of his hand, I cross my arms over my chest, pulling my sweater tighter around me. “I was a freshman in high school and pretty much left to my own devices at home. Mom didn’t care at all what I did, and Dad was off somewhere on the other side of the country.” I think I only saw him twice that entire year.

“I went to some party one weekend someone was throwing, and Cody noticed me. He was captain of the baseball team, which was a big deal for a junior, and everybody knew him. Big man on campus, you know?”

Ethan is silent next to me, not that my question needed an answer.

“Anyway, I… I slept with him at that party. It hurt like hell, but he didn’t seem to notice, so I thought that’s how it was for girls. And I liked the attention. The idea that this popular guy singled me out. Noticed something special about me. I’d never been special to anyone else. I was the girl with the thrift store clothes. The one who got free lunch. The one who never had any of the basic school supplies until some teacher took pity on me and gave me a notebook and pencil.”

“You don’t have to tell me this,” Ethan interrupts, his voice tight with tension. “I’m sorry I said you had to.”

“No, I do have to.” It’s past time he understands who he’s getting involved with. “And I kept sleeping with Cody, on and off for a couple of months. He didn’t talk to me at school. He said we should keep it a secret because his ex would’ve given me a hard time. That she was still in love with him. Ashley.”

“That’s the girl you said was Savannah’s friend?”

“Yeah. And he was right. She did slander me afterward. But looking back, he obviously didn’t think I was good enough to be seen with. I wasn’t on his level. We would hook up in darkened rooms at parties. The way Heather and that guy went in that room at the frat party. Entering separately. Anonymously. And to me, at the time, it was a thrill. Even if I didn’t like the actual act of what we were doing, I liked that he was seeking me out, that it was a secret no one else knew.”

He stops at a red light, the car idling, everything quiet as the words pour out of me, confessing what I’ve never told anyone else.

“Until one night he invited me over to his house. I was so excited. I thought this was it. That he was introducing me to his family, that maybe we’d finally go public, that I could be his girlfriend. But it turns out his parents were out of town. And two of his friends were there. Other guys on the baseball team.”

He makes a noise of displeasure, like he can sense where this is going.

“He said he wanted to try something new,” I continue, the way I’m telling it almost like I’m talking about a different girl. I haven’t been that naive in a long time. “He’d told his friends about me. And they all wanted to share me. They’d never shared a girl before.”

I glance over at Ethan, his hands clenched around the steering wheel, knuckles white, but he doesn’t interrupt me.

“I was frozen. I didn’t know what to say. Couldn’t believe what he was suggesting. But it made me realize he had never seen me as a person. I was a thing. A living doll. Something for them to play with. I finally found my voice and told him no way.”

He breathes out a sigh, but that’s not the end of the story.

“He said okay, just him and one other guy, then. As if that was any kind of compromise. I said no and tried to leave, but he blocked my way. Said if I didn’t do it, he’d tell everyone at school they all had me anyway, so I might as well do it. They’d keep quiet if I did.”

I pause for a moment as a wave of emotion passes over me, but I will it away. I can’t mess up my eye makeup right before work.

“I told him to fuck off. If he wanted to be with his friends so badly, they could have a threesome together and I’d watch.”

Ethan lets out a choked laugh, a hint of desperation in it. Looking back, it was a good line. But in the moment, it only made things worse.

“He grabbed me and shoved me up against the closest wall, holding my throat. Told me I’d do whatever he said and kissed me. That’s why I freaked out about that day we had to kiss. I kept remembering him.”

“Shit, I’m so sorry, Lexie.” There’s genuine remorse in his voice, but I don’t blame him at all. “I pushed for more—”

“No. There was no way you could have known.”

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