Page 89 of Under Pressure

She leans forward in her chair. “Why do you believe you don’t deserve her?”

“She’s good. And I’m a bastard.”

“Do you mean that in the literal or figurative sense?”

I shrug. “Both.”

“Tyler, the circumstances of your birth do not define who you are. You get to choose who you are. And you also get to choose if you want to shift the dynamic of your relationships with others. You don’t have to stay in the same patterns you always have. You can choose to respond differently. Now, that doesn’t mean that others will necessarily accept those changes. But you can change your part at least.”

I nod. I can do that. That’s not so hard, right? Making myself emotionally open… to those that could hurt me the most… Yeah, not terrifying at all.

“Don’t you think the fact that you’re here, trying to get help, means anything? That you’re actively making an attempt is a huge step in the direction you’re aiming for.” She taps her pen against her notepad, her eyes warm on me. “You’ll never make progress until you at least try. Can you do that, Tyler?”

I take a deep breath. “Yes.”

“So what are you wanting to do? Sincerely apologize and leave it at that? Or hope she’ll forgive you and move forward?”

“The second one.” I look at her pleadingly, as if she’ll be able to give me the secret answer, even though I know it’ll take work on my part. “What can I do?”

She pauses. “I want to make it clear first, it’s her choice whether she chooses to accept your apology, whether she can trust you again. You can show her with your words and actions, your sincerity, your commitment to change, but she may be gun-shy based on your previous interactions.”

I swallow thickly. “I understand.”

She smiles at me. “You know what you have to do, Tyler. You’re very self-actualized. You just needed to work it out aloud to someone. Reach out to her. Tell her you’re taking steps to adjust your past thoughts and ideas.”

I nod, leaning forward to rest my elbows on my knees.

“Scary, isn’t it?”

I look up at her and crack a smile. “Terrifying.”

“We’ll get more in depth with your parents during our next session, but I hope this is a weight lifted off you. And even if she’s not as receptive to your apology as you’d like, at least you know you’re moving in the right direction.”

“Yeah.” I don’t seem capable of anything larger than a one-syllable response. What if I go to Mia and lay myself bare for her and she rejects me? Tells me it’s too late, that I blew it?

“Keep moving forward, Tyler. Don’t dwell on what could go wrong. You told her you don’t want a girlfriend before. Have your thoughts changed?”

I take a deep breath. “Yes.”

“Make sure to tell her that. I assume it’s what she wanted to hear in the first place.”

I glance at the clock on the wall, seeing our time is nearly up. “I’ll do that. Thank you, Dr. Friedman.”

“Same time next week? My regular client will still be on vacation.”

“That sounds good.”

I step out of her office, somehow both lighter and heavier than when I came in. I have an action plan on what to do, but the thought of doing it… how can I face her again? Especially after what I pulled the other night showing up at her apartment like that.

Keep moving forward.

Yeah, I can do that. I hope.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Mia

Tyler:Can I come over?

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