Page 75 of Under Pressure

“Why?”

Because I can’t stop thinking about you. Because I crave you like nothing else I have in my life before. And I don’t want to.I ignore her question, instead answering, “We agreed it would be a mutually beneficial arrangement, and it’s not anymore.”

“Why aren’t you benefiting? Is it something I did?”

I shake my head. “No, it’s me.”

Her eyes are pleading. “How can I make it right if you won’t tell me why?”

I throw my hands up in the air, unsure why she’s prolonging this torture. “There’s nothing to make right. It’s just time for this to end.”

“I don’t want it to end. I really like you, Tyler,” she admits, complete vulnerability all over her face. “This means something to me.”

God, how can she bare herself like that to me? I look away, not wanting to see the disappointment that’s sure to show up at any moment.

The barest touch on my arm has me retreating again. “You can’t hug it away this time.” My voice is harsh, unbending. But I have to be harsh. She won’t get it otherwise. This isn’t a matter of her fixing me. I don’t want to be fixed. I’m fine the way I am. The way I’ve always been.

She’s silent, a spark in her eye now. I’ve triggered her, but this time my aim wasn’t to rile her up. “Can you not admit you like me?” she demands, her voice rising. “Even the tiniest bit? Is your pride so important? It’s not a weakness to like someone, to rely on them. Love can make you stronger if you let it.”

Love? Where did love come into play?

She grabs her coat she’d taken off, struggling to get it on. I automatically reach out to help, then lower my hand, stuffing it into my pocket.

“I feel like some mistress who realizes things are never going to change,” she mutters. “Except you’re married to the idea of being alone.”

Her words pierce me, rooting me to the spot. It’s the absolute truth.

She finally gets her arms through the sleeves, then pauses, simply staring at me. “I thought things were different last time.” Her voice is soft, heartbroken. She must be talking about the other night together. It’s true, they were different. That’s why I have to put a stop to it now. “I thought things were changing between us. I was finally getting through.”

I concentrate on her words rather than the emotion behind them, the despair on her face making my stomach flip disconcertingly. Doesn’t she know she’s supposed to hide what she’s feeling? “There’s nothing to get through. I’m not something to be fixed or changed or whatever you’re trying to do to me.”

“I’m not trying to change you, Tyler, but you have to give a little. Compromise. Otherwise I’m done.”

“You’redone?” I don’t know why the same sentiment I’ve been saying this whole time coming from her mouth sounds so drastically different, but it tears a hole in me all the same.

“Yeah. I’m tired of waiting for you to throw me a bone, begging for your affection. This relationship needs to be equal.”

“This— This isn’t a relationship.” That’s all I can focus on right now.

She stares at me, her eyes bleak, then shrugs helplessly. “You’re right. It’s not. You made that very clear from the beginning and I only have myself to blame.”

She turns around and grabs her purse, walking out the door, slamming it shut behind her.

Her name rises in my throat but it’s blocked, unable to form the words. What would I say anyway calling her back here? She left. That was what I wanted.

So why is my stomach churning like this, the back of my eyelids suddenly stinging?

I return to my room and pick up my Geology textbook, fully intending to study, then hurl it against the wall, a chunk of plaster falling onto the carpet.

Who the hell does she think she is saying she’s done? There’s nothing to be done with. This was never anything. We slept together twice, had a couple hot episodes before that, but that’s it. It’s not my fault she assigned more meaning to it. Like she said, I was very clear from the beginning. It’s not like I led her on… taking her boxing… meeting my family… kissing her to begin with.

Fuck.

I drop down on my bed and pull the covers up over me, suddenly too weary to contemplate doing anything else for the day.

This… this is for the best. Things were getting too entangled, too complicated. I don’t need that kind of messiness in my life.

It’s better to protect myself. That’s the only way to survive.

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