Page 36 of War Hope
19
Hope
Ihave tossedand turned all night and all I can picture is Finn's face. He looked so betrayed. I shouldn't care because Finn and I are friends. Just friends. I can only imagine what he must think of me—about Silas. I swipe my hand down my faceand gulp a mouthful of coffee.
Silas staggers into the kitchen wearing nothing but a pair of tracksuit bottoms. His hair is sticking up everywhere. I swallow hard when he stretches anddragshis hand through it. We went out in London yesterday and at times it was nice, but my mind is like a war zone andevery timeI allow myself to slip into that familiar, safe place with him, it instantly reminds me of what he did. Could I ever get over it? Should I try to forgive him? I've always said if a guy cheats on me, I'm done, but people make mistakes, especially when they're dealing with shit. Silas was in a bad place. He did something fucking stupid...but what if thisisit? What if he's my one and I miss out on an epic love because I'm too proud to forgive? What if I think I can forgive him but end up haunted by that constant feeling that I wasn't good enough? I wasn't good enough to help him, wasn't good enough to keep him. I just wasn't enough, and in the end Silas destroyed not only himself, but me in the process. But…here he is and what if I am enough now?
I place my hand against my stomach trying to rid myself of this sick feeling. This is what he does, he raises questions, uncertainties, insecurities that I just don't need. I'm fine without him.
He moves to the sink, stepping up behind me and trailing his handacrossmy waist as he does. Closing my eyes, I release a shaky breath as his lips brush the side of my neck. My fingers clench so tightly that my nails cut into my palm. As his hand tightens on my waist, all I can think of is how it's not his touch I want. Finn's hurt expression pops into my mind again like an alarm on repeat.
"I have to go," I whisper.
Silas pulls away and I quickly duck for the door. "What? Where are you going?" he asks.
"I have to go and see a friend." I grab my handbag from the chair and practically run out the door, fumbling with my car keys as I go.
* * *
Itake a deep breath, knock on the door, and wait for a second. Of course, he doesn't answer.Arsehole.Idigaround in my bra until I find the key and unlock the door.I step into Finn's apartment and he glances up, frowning at me from his spot on the sofa. His guitar is in his lap, his fingers lingering over the strings.
"I did knock, but you're a cunt, so I used my key."
He strumsover theguitar again and cocks a brow. "What do you want?"
WhatdoI want? "I came to see you, you ungrateful prick."
He strums out a soulful little melody. "Well, you're seeing me."
I sigh. "Fuck me,Finnley. Are we reallydoing this?"
Huffing, he sets the guitar by the edge of the couch and combs his fingers through his hair. "Doing what,Hope?"
I wanttocut him."Okay, cool. Nothing to see here, all fine. You didn't kick me out of your apartment for nofuckingreason last week..."
"Itoldyouto leave. I didn't kick you out." He smirks. "But I guesslittlequeenie doesn't know the difference. What, am I the first guy that's actually asked you to leave?"
"Fuck you, Finn!" I lift my middle finger at him for good measure. "I have been nothing but nice to you and what do I get? Your sulky, brooding shit. You kick me out, and then you turn up at myplaceandlook at me like sometraitorous whore because you saw Silas..."
"Again,I did not fucking kick you out. God,you are so fucking annoying." Hestands up and crosses the room. "I don't care what you do with Silas."
I narrow my eyes at him. "So you don't care if I fucked him?"
"Who haven't you fucked?"
My mouth falls open before it snaps shut with a click. "At least I fuck someone. Must get awful lonely in this apartment, you and your hand..." I lift one eyebrow,a smallsmirk playing overmylips.
Heshakeshis head."Iwas just fine by myself. I'm not the one who is followingsomeonearound like a sad little puppy."Iswallow heavily, remembering Silas' parting words.No one will ever want you or love you the way I do.Maybe that's the truth."Why do you keep coming over here, Hope, huh?" He takes another step toward me, backing me againstthewall.He's so close Ican smellthe cherry smoke on his breath.
Iblinkand allthe fight leaves me."Idon'tknow,"Iwhisper.
Something shifts, tension charging the air. Finn's dark eyes drop to my lips before lifting back to my eyes. I stare at him as he places one hand on the wall above my head and leans in until hisforeheadrests against mine.
"Whydo you let me?"
"I don't know either," he whispers.I can't breathe. "I should tell you to leave." His warm, sweet breath washes over my face and I crave it. I crave him, for reasons I can't possiblybeginto explain to myself.Maybe it's just simple need, a fundamental want but I don't think so. He makes me feel safe.
My chest constricts and I tilt my chin up until my lips brush his. I expect him to pull back, but he doesn't. I press my palms flat against the wall. I feel like I'm walking on thin ice, waiting for him to put a stop to this.There's amoment,apause and all Ican hear ismy own heart poundingin my chest.Andthen hishandslandon either side ofmy faceas his lips crash over mine. I don't know what I expected from Finn. Gentle, sweet maybe, but not this. His kiss is demanding, his lips soft yet brutal as his fingers dig into my face and his hard body crushes me against the wall.
