Page 39 of Fake It for Christmas

His voice trembled on the last few words.

The puzzle was forming even more clearly in my mind now, and my heart was as heavy as an anvil.

“Rowen…”

“I didn’t want to tell you, because you’re the first person who has actually seemed to like me formein such a long time,” he said. “I meet people often enough. But I haven’t felt like I feel with you. Even before the fucking scandal, people saw me as the silver spoon acting school kid, being fed success only due to my parents. And now… now I’m nothing. Worse than nothing. I’mhatedfor things I didn’t do.”

I shifted on my feet, taking in everything Rowen was saying.

I’d known he wasn’t telling me something, but I never could have imagined it would be something like this.

“I—I’d worried that maybe you had a secret life back in New York,” I whispered. “That you had a wife and a kid, or something. Or that you were just a player who wanted to keep everything separate from… from me.”

He puffed out a short, bitter laugh. “Nothing like that. I’m just a failure, plain and simple.”

I furrowed my brow. “How could you say that?” I asked, setting down my mug and taking a step closer to him. “How the hell is it your failing when you said yourself you didn’t know your parents were doing this?”

“Because my life’s dream is dead, because of them,” Rowen said, shrugging. “Nobody in the acting world believes that I’m innocent. They think I must have known. Must have been a part of it. And even if they don’t, they just don’t want the Sorinelle name attached toanyproject of theirs.”

I swallowed past a tightness in my throat.

I could see clearly what he must be going through. It was true—in the professional world, nobody wanted to be associated with a bad name, even if the person in question was as innocent and amazing as Rowen.

His life back in the city reallywasfucked.

“From the moment my parents were found out, I’ve felt this… empty feeling,” Rowen said a moment later. The quiet shakein his voice was audible again, and my heart felt like it was reaching out directly toward him. Aching to fix his problems, and knowing I couldn’t.

“I’ve felt empty a lot recently, too,” I whispered.

Day after day, it felt like things in the world were only getting worse, and there was nothing—nothingI could do to stop it.

“And for the last few weeks, with you,” Rowen said, “the only thing that has made me feel good is something that’s… fake.”

“Fuck, Rowen.”

“I wanted to keep that magic alive for as long as I could,” he said. “To exist in a world where everything was okay. Walk around between holiday decorations with you, wearing scarves and ignoring the fact that my whole world fell apart.”

I felt a stray tear break off from my eye. There was a lump in my throat now, and as I held Rowen’s gaze, I saw the glassy look return to his eyes, too.

“My world fell apart, too,” I said. “Since my grandma died I’ve felt like I’m just treading water. Like nothing special would ever happen again.”

Rowen wiped away a tear on his cheek with the back of his hand, then reached out to brush mine away, too.

“I’m so sorry, Shane,” he said in a low voice.

“Thank you for telling me the truth,” I said. “I can see why you just didn’t want to bring that bad feeling into… what we’ve been doing.”

“Into our relationship,” he said.

I puffed out a laugh, pulling in a long breath of air afterward. “Our fake relationship.”

We held each other’s gaze, and a moment later, I felt Rowen’s hands connect with mine. He held my hands, giving them a gentle squeeze as he looked at me.

“So, now you know,” he said. “I’m screwed up. I’m not just some fun, flighty actor from New York without a care in the world.”

I swallowed. “And I’m not just a thoughtless, airheaded country boy next door, without any problems of my own.”

He bit his lower lip. “So our whole world is fucked up, and we don’t have a damn clue what to do about it.”

---