Page 78 of Rough Around the Hedges

Tit-deep was a bit of an exaggeration.

Sure, there was one on my head, but it wasn’t like I’d put Bap there, was it?

Wait. How had the chick gotten on my head? And when had Waffles dropped himself on my lap?

Had I lost what little was left of my poor mind?

“Yeah, yeah, escort him down here. We all know Waffles isn’t moving anytime soon.” Isa glanced at me. “Nor is the one on her head… No, no idea… All right, see you in a few.” She hung up the phone and blinked at me. “How did Barmcake get on your head?”

“It’s Bap. And I was hoping you’d know.”

“How do you know which one it is if you didn’t even know it was on your head?”

“Because Roll is stealing my kale, and Barmcake just shit on your flip-flop.”

Isa jolted, turning to where her discarded flip-flops were. “Barmcake, you rotten little bastard. What did I ever do to you?”

“Abused his overlord,” I muttered. “Who is Paula escorting down here?”

She grinned. “Your favourite person, of course.”

Oh, no.

“This day keeps going from bad to worse.” I sighed, running my fingers through Waffles’ feathers. “Waffles is going to need a raise if I keep running into that bastard.”

“The fact you use your chicken as your therapist is alarming enough without you actively paying him.”

“Isa, listen. If he’s listening to my shit, he needs paying.”

“When are you going to start paying me, then?”

“I listen to your shit. It’s a fair trade,” I said. “Our friendship is equal parts give and take.”

She wrinkled up her nose. “I think I want a new friend.”

“By all means, go and find one. You’ll come running back to me.” I shrugged. “You can’t live without me.”

“Damn this unhealthy co-dependency we have going on,” she grumbled under her breath. “No wonder I can’t settle down. Do you know that the last guy I went out with was threatened by our friendship?”

“Sounds like a him problem,” I replied, scratching Waffles under the chin. “It’s not my fault I treat you better than your boyfriends.”

“You probably need to pick better boyfriends, dear,” Susan said, leaning on the fence between our plots. “Take it from me: friends last longer than men.”

Did that have a double meaning?

Isa raised her eyebrows. “I didn’t know you were so kinky, Susan.”

Susan blushed. “Don’t be so dirty-minded, Isadora.”

My best friend held up her hands. “Hey, no judging here. Although I will make it very clear that I have no desire to see how long Rose lasts. I’ve seen her naked enough times to scar me for life.”

“Hey!” I tossed a piece of gravel at her leg. “What do you mean, scarred? There’s nothing scarring about my naked body!”

“Pfft!” She waved her hand. “That’s the point. You’re hot. You’re slim. You’re toned. Can’t you spare some sympathy for how such a perfect body might scar the chubbier ones among us?”

Susan peered at her. “But you’re not chubby, Isadora, dear.”

“What she said.” I pointed at Susan. “Put your fishing pole away. There are no compliments here for you to catch.”

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