Page 11 of Rough Around the Hedges

This woman was out here shouting about sexual harassment to George only a week ago, now she wanted to know about her vet’s cock.

Pick a damn lane, Susan.

Pick. A. Lane.

Maybe I was judging her a littlenow…

“No, his penis was fine,” Isa said, sighing and looking at her nails. “But he did call me byhisex’s name during sex, so what was I supposed to do? I’m far too beautiful and talented to be a rebound for anyone.”

I stared at her. “You’re so humble, Isadora. It’s a wonder more people aren’t aware of your greatness.”

She sniffed, laying a hand dramatically against her chest. “I know. It’s Hanbury’s greatest tragedy. No, it’s Devon’s greatest tragedy. England’s, perhaps. Shakespeare would weep with inspiration if we ever met.”

“Can you believe she says I’m the weird one?” I asked Susan, rolling my eyes. “She should be in showbusiness with the dramatics she throws out.”

Susan tapped her chin. “The drama group is looking for a new member for the panto this Christmas.”

Isa brightened and rushed across my plot to grab Susan’s hand over the fence. “Really? Will you put in a good word for me? I’ve been trying to get in for ages!”

“Consider it done.” Susan clasped Isa’s hand just as tightly, and if the two of them were in a cartoon, they’d have little excited sparks flying off their heads. “Leave it to me, Isa.”

“Susan, you’re a darling.”

Jesus Christ.

This place got crazier by the day.

The last thing Lady Narcissist over here needed was a whole arsestagefor her to play out her delusions in front of hundreds of poor, unsuspecting theatregoers trying to rustle up some semblance of Christmas spirit.

“Anyway, who is thehethat you said was here?” Isa pointed to my vegetable bed. “There’s another courgette hiding there.”

“Son of a bitch,” I hissed, turning around to that bed. “How do you always see them, but I don’t?”

“I get my eyes tested regularly.”

“Must you mock me so? You know how I feel about those little puffs of air they shoot into your eyes with their little machine.”

“Yes, yes, I know. It feels like a tornado on your eyeballs.”

I cut off the rogue courgette and added it to my basket. “Exactly. It gets windy enough here during storm season without opticians taking liberty with the only set of balls I possess.”

“Well said,” Susan demurred. “But that doesn’t explain whoheis.”

I smacked the side of the vegetable bed with my snips. “Pah!”

“Ooh, I know this one!” Isa clapped her hands together and grinned. “There’s only one person who could elicit such a visceral reaction from you. It’s the new Duke of Hanbury!”

I glared at her. “Why areyouso thrilled?”

“Ah, simple.” Isa raised her finger, her eyes glittering. “I’ve heard he’s extremely handsome, and I am a big fan of handsome men.”

I was aware. My best friend was basically the village encyclopaedia on handsome men. There wasn’t a thing she didn’t know about every attractive man within a fifteen-mile radius of Hanbury.

She’d probably dated a good chunk of them at least once.

You know what?Good for her.

“Isadora.” I grabbed her arm. “What do you know about him?”

---