Page 7 of Recipes for Life

Wynn must have seen something in my face because she gave me a slight nod and took the phone from my ear and walked to the porch to have a long conversation with Susan.

She never told me what she said, but she meant business when she walked back inside almost half an hour later and handed me my phone.

"Susan is still prepared to be your primary childcare provider when you start your job, it makes sense as her house is in the middle of this place and your old one. She knows you've made your decision; she cried, and she's upset with the situation, but she wanted me to tell you that this changes nothing. You've been her daughter for the last ten years, and married to herassholeof a son or not, you'll always be her daughter. Her words, not mine."

I could only nod.

"I couldn't help but notice that you have 107 missed calls from Murphy, and around the same number of unread texts."

I shrugged at her. I hadn't opened one. I had spent the entire night shoving every single good memory of Murphy and me out of my mind, and most importantly my heart. I replaced them with images of his betrayal and let my mind pick apart everything over the last three months.

I quietly calculated all the times he was running late, all the dinners he missed. Sure, he made it home every night, but seventy-five percent of the time it was so late, Lux and I were already asleep. I recalled how his shower habits had changed, and he showered at night instead of in the morning, and I felt sick all over again. He was showering so he didn't come to bed smelling like her and her fucking perfume I would never be able to forget.

"Where do I go from here?" I asked Wynn as my voice broke for the thousandth time.

"The only place you can go. Up."

My phone's buzzing alarm snapped me out of my thoughts from a few weeks ago and back into reality. It was time to get ready for our first mediation. True to her word, Bethany was an absolute powerhouse; she had the paperwork scheduled and filed before I could hardly blink.

Murphy was served with some pre-emptive divorce paperwork, outlining that I was filing for divorce and leaving the family home effective immediately, and she somehow got a judge to sign off on a temporary custody agreement. How she did that, I didn't bother to ask. Lux would spend the weekdays with Susan while I was at work, and Murphy would have her every Tuesday night and Sunday night, with a full weekend every other week. It was basically fifty-fifty, and Bethany said that giving fifty-fifty temporary custody until we could get in front of a judge would be our best bet at a quick and easy settlement. While this was the hardest pill for me to swallow, because no part of me wanted to give up seeing my daughter every day, I knew it was what was right forher.

She kept harping on me about accepting child support or alimony, asit was my right.I told her that if he signed over custody, I would accept the child support—considering what I had overheard his girlfriend say—but if he was willing to be an involved parent for her, I didn't want it. I wanted him to provide what she needed when she was in his care and split the rest of her costs fifty-fifty. She was currently on his medical insurance, and she would stay on it unless we decided putting her on my job’s would be more beneficial. However, all this would be temporary until a judge signed off and approved it. I had a smallsimmering hope that Murphy would just let dead dogs lie and let me go, especially after what I had overheard that woman say.

I couldn't have been more wrong; he was contesting all aspects of divorce and blatantly refusing to accept that our marriage was over. So now I lay here staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep because I was seeing my husband today for the first time in weeks, much to his dismay.

He had tried to catch me multiple times at drop offs with his mother, but since she could barely tolerate his presence, she would text me if he showed up early or if he was there and overall prevented it from happening. We had a close call when his car passed mine on an empty street and he tried to pull a U-turn, but since I had seen him first, I broke who knows how many laws getting out of that area before he could get his car into gear. It had gotten so bad that I had to block his number and install an app to communicate with him about Lux. At first, he refused to respond, but when he realized I had blocked him, he had no other choice. The app was closely regulated and monitored so he had no other option but to speak to me only about our daughter.

I struggled most on the days I didn't have Lux nor work. I laid in bed for sometimes twelve hours, and it took all my energy to act like everything was fine when it came to Lux.

She was young enough that this change would be easily adaptable, too young to understand that Mommy and Daddy weren't together anymore. Her crying out for her dad during tantrums or bedtime made my insides burn with pain—pain for her, for me, and the loss of the family we once were. So, when I was alone, I let the mask fall and I bathed in my grief. I grieved the loss of my marriage, the loss of the man I thought was the love of my life, and the loss of the future I had spent years planning. He'd broken me.

A few days ago, Lux was with her dad, and I had taken up my usual spot in bed, not realizing that it was six p.m., and I hadn't even attempted to eat, shower, or move. Wynn flew into my room like a crazed woman, ripped the comforter off me, and got in my face.

"This is enough, Odette. Enough."

My lifeless eyes met hers, though I made no attempt at moving.

"You think this is helping Lux? You think the fake smile you put on when she's here is working? You look like death; you've lost damn near twenty pounds. You don't eat, you don't laugh, you barely even smile. I know you think you're fooling your daughter, but the only person you're fooling is yourself."

I started crying. Everything she was saying was correct, but it just hurt so bad, it almost felt like a constant physical stabbing pain. I knew I had to do better for Lux, but I didn't know how. She climbed into bed with me and wrapped her arms around me, pulling me close.

"I know he hurt you, sis; I know. It kills me every time I look at you and see the pain that coats your entire existence. This can't continue; this isn't a way to live. You get the rest of today to wallow in your grief, but tomorrow, you start rebuilding your life. Do you understand me?"

I'd thought I was doing a decent job at hiding my pain from the world and from my baby girl, but I guess I was wrong. She was right; I had made this decision. With how much Murphy was fighting the divorce, I knew I could have continued life as before. I knew I needed to walk away, and now I needed to find a way to move on and live. If not for myself, but for her.

I nodded at Wynn. "Okay."

"Okay, then."

She held me for the rest of the night, and when I woke up on Monday, even though I didn't have Lux, I showered, got myself together, ate breakfast for the first time since everything happened, and started rebuilding my life as a single mother.

Chapter 6

Murphy

Today was the day...the day I got to see my wife for the first time in weeks. She might be under the assumption that she is no longer my wife, but that is not the case. She's mine. She's been mine since we were sixteen years old.

Once she saw me, I knew,knew, she would cave. She was made for me, and I was made for her. I just got caught up. My job had afforded me luxuries I had only ever dreamed of, and I got caught up in the lifestyle my coworkers were living. They wined and dined clients all through the week, went to high-end clubs, and took weekend trips. Two of my close colleagues that had become friends over the last year both had a different drop-dead gorgeous girl in their beds every week. Now, I love my wife, but I was envious. We had lost our virginity to each other, and she's been all I've known for the last decade.

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