Page 54 of Recipes for Life

“Oh... Uh, I mean…sure, yeah, yes, bridal style.”

He was blushing three ways till Sunday, and I couldn’t help but grin at him in his obvious state.

“Murphy, please.” I reached for him, and in no time, he had me cradled against his chest. For a few moments, neither of us dared move or say anything. I couldn’t help but nestle into him and breathe a sigh of relief. I felt comfort, and it should have shocked me, but it felt like part of me was being stitched back together, molded from the broken pieces. It was different, but I was learning that different didn’t mean it was wrong.

He moved to place me into the seat far too quickly for my liking, and I found myself pouting in the front seat. He made his way to the driver’s side and got in, then reached over to buckle up my seatbelt as I forgot in my moment of irritation.

“You stick your lip out any farther and a bird will poop on it, Odette.”

“You might be able to fool Lux with that, but not me. I’m an adult.”

“Sure, you are, my love...sure you are.”

My love.

I felt his body freeze at the endearment. His eyes held an apology for what he said, although none was needed. There was a time his words would have felt like poison running through my veins, but now I felt like it was what I needed.

“I’m sorry, Odette. I forget when I’m around you.” The pain and torment in his words were like a shot to the heart, and I found myself thankful we had a twenty-minute drive to my check-up. There was no way he could avoid me now.

“You forget?” I whispered.

“I forget to keep my distance, and I’m doing my best, but you consume me,” he croaked out, his eyes steadfast on the road, his body vibrating with tension.

I reached out and squeezed his thigh. “You can’t live in your pain forever, Murphy.”

“Yes, I can.”

“Murphy.”

“It’s what I deserve, Odette. I don’t deserve anything good in this life. My goal is to make Lux happy, and you happy by extension, and by whatever means necessary. I don’t deserve the soft smiles, and I don’t deserve the calmness your presence brings me. You deserve better than me, and I’m doing everything in my power to give that to you. Please, let me.”

His brokenness called to my own,

“Do I get a say in what I want? Or what I deserve?” I asked him softly. He reminded me of a wounded animal, and one wrong move would spook him.

“Of course you do. If I can give it to you, you can have it. If I can’t, then I’ll find a way to make it so.”

“And what if what I want is you?” I said, even softer this time.

He whipped his head to me, and the car found its way over to the shoulder of the road. His hands gripped the wheel so firmly that I saw how white his knuckles were, and he moved his eyes to his lap.

“You can’t mean that, Odette. You…you deserve more; you deserve better. Please.” His head was down, and I saw the tears forming.

“Why can’t I?”

“Because! You. Deserve. Better,” he ground out.

“Murphy, please look at me.”

His eyes met mine and I saw such pain, such anguish, and so much lovethat if I were standing, it would have brought me to my knees. It’s what I’d seen the day of the accident; it’s what I saw every time I’d seen Murphy over the years. It’s why I kept my distance at first. I turned to face him and had his head in my hands as the tears flowed freely from his eyes.

I gently wiped his tears with my thumbs. “I’ve loved you since I was a teenager, and I’d be fooling myself if I told you I stopped. You broke me, my trust, and I thought I hated you, but I hated what youdid. Ihated that you could tear our lives apart, and I still have some answers I need before we can fully move forward. But I've felt half alive for a few years now, Murphy, and looking at you, I know you feel the same. You might have been the one to break me, but you’re the one who can piece me back together, and Ideservethat. Ideserveto be whole. And I can’t be whole...not without you.”

I saw the way my words undid the man beside me, I saw the turmoil in his eyes, wanting me but thinking I deserved more. I saw the man notlovinghimself, but giving all his love to me,even if I didn’t want it. His tears fell at an alarming rate, and I knew I would be missing my doctor appointment, but I couldn’t find it in me to care.

I unbuckled my seatbelt while Murphy was too lost in his grief to protest and slid over to situate myself in his lap. His full body sobs while he hung on to me for dear life had me crying as well, and I knew part of this had to do with his unresolved feelings of the accident. I felt his sorrow in every tear, his apology, and in a weird way, they were healing my soul.

Healing us.

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