Page 40 of Recipes for Life

“It’s time to start over.”

Her teary gaze met mine and she nodded, a ghost of a smile on her face. “What does that mean?”

“I’m not entirely sure. I think it means, whatever happens, happens. Do you think I’m stupid?”

She snapped her head to me. “You. Are. Not. Stupid. Odette. If you choose to try again with Murphy, that doesn’t make you stupid. That doesn’t make you less than. It makes you brave; it makes youstrong.”

“I’ve changed so much because of what happened, for the better. I’m starting to believe andseethat’s what happened to Murphy as well. He’s changed because of what happened, and I want to get to know who he is now. I can’t…”

“You can't do what?” Wynn squeezed my hand in support.

“I kept asking myself if I could. If I could live without him for the rest of my life, and I can’t, Wynn…I just can’t. And I don’t want to.” Tears leaked out of my eyes.I don’t want to live without Murphy.That thought toppled me.I don’t want to.Not that Icouldn’t, not that Ican’t,because Icouldand I have, but I don’twantto.

“I don’t want to,” I whispered again.

Wynn nodded at me while I let that revelation wash over me.

I didn’t want to.

Chapter 26

Murphy

I’ve spent a lot of time watching her leave lately, and ithurts.It feels like a physical blow every time she leaves, and I’m beginning to realize that, although I left her alone all these years because it’s what she wanted, it helped me as well. Every time she walked away from me, it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest, following behind her for as long as it can beforeunfortunatelyhaving to return to this husk of a body.

I held her tonight while she cried, knowing it couldverywell be the last time I got to hold her at all. I saw the acceptance in her eyes at our conversation and my confession,but she did her best to shield her emotions from me. Before I royally fucked my life into the ground, she used to have the most expressive facial features, never bothering to hide how she felt from anyone, especially me.

How messed up is it that I’d lay down in front of a train just to see some kind of emotion on her face, even hatred.

I lived for those moments, even when I saw them at a distance, like when her eyes lit up and her smile turned to one of absolute adoration when she looked at our daughter. I even lived to see her disinterest in me,because at least I was seeing her.

While it still felt like I’d been given a physical blow to the chest, I looked at the clock, realizing how late it was but not really caringbefore I gathered my wallet and keys to make my way to my parents’ house and Lux.

I did my best to try to turn my feelings off during the drive, to turn them to numbness, but I’m pretty sure I spent the entire drive crying, the wetness that coated my cheeks was the only indication.All I could feel was the way Odette cried in my arms, the way I held on to her for dear life,begging someone, anyone, that this would not be the last time I got to hold her. I tried to keep my composure this evening, but I knew my tears mixed with hers, and I knew I wasn’t able to hide the all-encompassing grief I felt along with that pesky self-hatred I felt every damn day. Especially when I looked at myself in the mirror.

Finally, making it to my parents’ house, I sat in the driveway, knowing I looked rough and debating if I should even go in. No matter what, I never let my daughter see how destroyed I was. Every holiday we celebrated, I felt Odette’s absence, every milestone, every dinner without her. I always waited until Lux was safely tucked away in her dreamland before I fell apart.

After realizing there was nothing I could really do about my bloodshot and red-rimmed eyes, I got out of my car. Not bothering to knock or ring the doorbell, I let myself into my parents’ house and thankfully, I heard some commotion in the kitchen, letting me know that someone was awake.

“Hey, Mom,” I murmured when I caught sight of her over the stove looking like she was about to boil some water for tea.

Her hand clasped her chest. “Murphy! I’m too damn old for you to be sneaking up on—” Her words stopped when she turned and caught a good look at me, knowing damn well she saw a broken man in front of her.

“Oh, my boy…” she whispered, rounding the island and making her way to me.

Despite our height difference, I folded into her hug and let out my soul aching silent sobs, with each one she held on harder, as if trying to take away some of the pain.

I wasn’t ready to talk, so I pulled myself away from her, knowing all I wanted to do was see my daughter. She was the bestpart of me.

“Lux?” I whispered.

“Sleeping in her room.” Her eyes searched mine, and I nodded.

I made my way through the hallway to the last door on the left that had originally been Leon’s room, but my parents converted it into a room for Lux. Leon tried to be mad about it, but in reality, he was so enamored with Lux that he ended up building her bookshelf and furniture with me. Instead, he chose to harp on me for always being the favorite child.

Some of the pain I felt lessened as I opened the door and saw her. My daughter was like a balm to my soul. She was the best thing I’d ever done, and I couldn’t help the smile that graced my lips when I took in her sleeping form. My broken heart radiated love for my daughter, and I took a few steps toward her, grabbed a pillow, and laid on the floor next to her bed. I didn’t want to wake her, but I needed to be close to her, needing to know that I’ve done at least one good thing in my life.

Finally feeling some resemblance of relief for the first time in what felt like hours, I closed my eyes and allowed myself to drift off to sleep.

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