Page 35 of Recipes for Life

“Yes.” My voice sounded far away, even to me.

“Why?”

Why? Now that was the million-dollar question.

“You know why.”

“Yes, but I want to hear it from you.”

Dr. Rold really wanted to do a number on my self-preservation today, didn’t he?

“Because she deserved better than me, because I lost sight of her, and Lux. Because I hadonlythought about myself for the last year of our marriage. I held a grudge against my wifebecause I started this new fancy job, where people didn’t have kids or families at home, and if they did,who cared?It was all about making money, living life in the fast lane, and I wanted that. Or I thought I did. I resented my fucking wife and kid for preventing me from having that. Is that what you wanted to hear?” My anger seeped in, but my anger wasat myselffor being so fucking stupid.

“I got lost, Doc. I gotlost.”

“And?”

“What do you mean,and? You know what happened.”

“I know, but it’s best I hear it from you.”

“And the second Odette walked away from me for good, the rose-tinted glasses fell off. I walked into our home and realized the pictures that sat on the mantel weren’t of a family—they were missingme.That I couldn’t tell you my daughter’s bedtime routine because I wasn’t there. I couldn’t tell you what perfume my wife wore because I stopped giving a damn. I only cared about me...me, me, me.And what made me better?Nothing, absolutely nothing.I only cared about the fact that I was working sixty to seventy hours a week to provide for them. I thought theyowedme; I thought the worldowedme for being this great, strong provider. I thought it was what I deserved; I thought I could go get my fucking rocks off with someone who wasn’t my wife because she meant nothing to me. I thought I could separate the two. I thought…”

“You thought?”

“I thought it was just sex, so what did it matter?”

“And what changed?”

“I lost everything.”

“Do you think you’ve changed? Really changed?”

“That’s the million-dollar question, isn’t it, Doc? Why don’t you tell me?”

I wanted to believe I’d changed; I realized I was chasing after a life I already had. It wasn’t easy, I held a lot of resentment for myself, my job, and the people I’d met. At first, I wanted to blame everyone but myself, but in the thick of it, I was the only one to blame. I let myself stop caring, I let myself be greedy and unemotional, detached and unfeeling. I cared more about thingsand status than my family. I became a shell of a man, and I would work every single day to never be that person again.

“I can’t answer that for you, Murphy.”

The buzz that sounded from his desk meant we were out of time.

Chapter 24

Odette

I stood outside the fence that shielded Murphy's home and his backyard, unable to get my feet to cooperate and take a step forward. This would be the first time I would be spendinganysort of alone time with Murphy since our divorce. I didn’t have a damnclueabout his life, and I was out of sorts. At one point, I considered making a list of all the questions I wanted to ask him.

When? Why? Did you ever love her? Did you ever loveme?

I think that was the worst part of it all—wondering if he had ever loved me, and if he did, why wasn’t my love enough? Did he blame me for Lux?

He had seemed so happy when I told him I was pregnant, not giving two shits that we were young. He simply told me,“Now,instead of only having time for four kids, we can easily have five.”He asked me to marry him that night, telling me he’d bought the ring years ago, but he was just waiting for the right time. It had been a simple gold band with a small heart-shaped diamond—at the time it was all he could afford, but I’d fallen in love with it the moment I saw it. Once he started making some real money, he begged me to replace it, but I always refused.

He'd gotten it back in the divorce, not that he asked for it, I just couldn’t stomach looking at it. Now I found myself wishing I had kept it.

The sound of the fence pulling open startled me, giving way to a Murphy with a small smile.

“Jesus, you’re like a ninja.” I gasped. “How’d you know I was here?” I’d purposely gotten here early, knowing it’d take me a while to make my way inside. I even parked down the street, giving myself time to walk off some of my nervous jitters.

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