Page 38 of Recipes for Life

“They lived this fast and hard lifestyle, and I got caught up. They seemed so happy, and I thought, well, am I happy if that’s not what I'm doing? I thought that’s what life’s about, being that happy. So, I went for one drink, and that one drink turned into a few nights a week, and then a few nights a week turned into every weekend. I just...”

“Got lost,” I finished for him.

“Yeah, baby.” He reached out and tucked a loose strand of hair behind my hair. “I gotso fucking lost,and in turn,I lost everything. I lost everything that ever mattered to me. I deserve it, though. I deserved everything I got and everything I get. As long as you and Lux are happy, that’s all I need.”

“And the affair?”

“It just happened. I know that’s the stupidest excuse, but I don’t have another one. It was a late night at work, we had a few drinks, there had been a few lingering glances at the bar before but nothing crazy.I swear. She leaned in to kiss me, and at first, I didn’t kiss her back, but eventually, one thing led to another and…”

“You slept together.”

“Yes.” He hung his head and let his tears flow.

“How many times?”

“The affair went on for three months, but we slept together maybe six, possibly seven times. Always at the apartment.”

I digested this information, and while it still felt like a knife in my gut,I had to say it was far less than I was thinking.

“We did spend a good bit of time together outside of that, though; we had formed a group at work that was close. We drank together, got dinner together, did all the things I should have been coming home toyoufor. Weneverwent on dates one on one, though that doesn’t make any of it better, it doesn’t make any of it right. I just want to be completely honest about everything.”

“Did you tell her you regretted Lux?” I gulped, afraid of the answer since it seemed that he wasn’t holding anything back.

“God, no. One night, when we were out playing pool, some of the guys were talking about how they wished they hadn’t got married and were thankful they didn’t have kids. They asked me how I felt since we had kids so young, and I told them, ‘It would have been easier if we had Lux later in life.’ Was that the right thing to say?No.But I also didn’t want to be having that conversation with them, so I did mybestto keep my family life and my work life separate.”

“How did it end?” I found that, while I was still crying, there was a lightness that was now sitting next to the pain.

“You mean after I threw her out? I all but dragged her out of the apartment when I realized you had left.”

“Yes.”

“I’m sure you’re thinking there was some huge epic confrontation, but there wasn’t. She called a few times, but I ignored her. She texted me, and I told her to fuck off. I ran into her at work on my last day, and she tried to talk me out of it, but I told her she was the worst mistake I’ve ever made and looking at her made me physically ill. I never heard from her again.”

The anti-climactic ending of it almost reaffirmed the fact that it wasn’t this huge love affair like I had been thinking, but it still didn’t make what happened any less horrible. I had yet to digest what I was feelingalone. The worst part of these kinds of conversations was you’re stuck having them with the people who’ve hurt you the most, and in seeking answers, you’re also putting yourself out there to get hurt.

“Thank you for telling me.” While I was still crying, the pain was becoming easier to manage, and instead of a physical pain, it felt more like a bruise on my soul.

Finally getting the courage to look at Murphy, I realized he was fairing far worse than I was. You could feel the self-resentment pouring out of him.

“Don’t thank me, Odette... Please, not for that.”

Before I could respond, he whispered, “Can I hold you?” His vulnerability was eating at me, and I nodded.

He wasted no time gathering me up in his arms and hauling me over to the sofa in the small living room, sitting himself down on the sofa with me firmly in his lap. One of his hands rubbed my back up and down, and the other was looped around my waist, holding on to me for dear life. I was sure I would have Murphy-shaped fingerprints on my hip,not that I was complaining.

He kept whispering how sorry he was, sometimes moving his death grip on my waist to wipe my tears, even though I felt the top of my head becoming wet from his.

Once I was finally able to keep the tears at bay, I asked him, “Where do we go from here?”

It took him a few seconds before he whispered, “Wherever you want, Odette.”

Chapter 25

Odette

It took me a while to pry myself from Murphy's embrace, but Ihadto. I needed time to come to terms with how I felt about everything. I knew there was more that I wanted—no,needed—to ask, but I didn’t want to push it tonight. The feelings were so raw for both of us. I was treating our situation like an onion, peeling one layer back at a time; maybe that would help with thetears.

Once I was able to get myself together enough to stand from Murphys lap, I told him I needed some time to myself to think about it all, and even though I saw what I’m pretty sure wasterrorat letting me go, he didn’t make a single remark trying to get me to stay.

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