Page 37 of Recipes for Life

“Honestly, I spent most of my day wondering how tonight was going to go, and now I don’t think I know what to say.”

“That’s okay.”

He began plating up my food, taking the crust off the garlic bread he had prepared because, for some reason, I hated crust. He kept the chicken separated from the sauce and the noodles because I always had a weird thing about mixing foods and proportions. He remembered, just handing me my plate like it was something he was going to do for the rest of our lives.

“How was your day?” I asked, because I was finding out that I really didwant to know.

“I woke up, I worked, dropped Lux off with my mother, went to therapy, and now here we are.”

“Therapy?”

“Therapy,” he confirmed while getting his food and sitting across from me at the island.

“Didn’t you tell me once that therapists were wanna-be doctors?” I arched my eyebrow at him.

“I’m sure I did at one point. Odette, why are you here?”

His question startled me, and I felt my face flush.Maybe he didn’t want me here, and I was misreading everything.He must have seen the look on my face because he quickly added, “I just mean, why now?”

I felt myself relax because that was a fair question. “I would tell you I don’t know, but…I do.”

He waited for me to elaborate, and I brought my gaze to my plate because I needed to make sure I kept my composure.

“I hated you for a long time, Murph.” I saw him visibly flinch at my words. “Or at least, I thought I did, you know? I neverfullyunderstood the saying,there’s a fine line between love and hate,until everything we went through. I think it was so easy to hate you so much because I loved you so much. Now here I am, three years later, and I find that the anger is gone...”

“But?” His voice sounded more morose than I would have thought.

“But I find myself unable to get you off my mind. At first, it was realizing I was strong enough to ask the questions I couldn’t before, and then it was intrigue at seeing you again, and now…I’m not sure what it is, but I know I want to ask my questions and see where that leads me.”

I would have thought that would have made him happy, but he hung his head in what seemed to be shame.

“Murph?” I questioned softly. “What’s wrong?”

His eyes met mine, and I was met with the saddest gaze I’ve ever seen—he almost looked desolate. “I’ll tell you anything you want to know, and I’m so damn sorry if it makes you hate me more.”

I had to stop myself from gasping at the self-hatred I saw in his eyes.

“Murph…”

“Please just ask, Odette.”

Deciding it was now or never, I took a deep breath. “Did you love her?”Somehow, I already knew the answer.

“Never.” His gaze met mine and I saw the sincerity there. I had to find it in my heart to believe the words he was saying because I saw the truth written all over his face.He didn’t love her.

“Were there others?”

“God, no. Never. If you take or believe anything I say, please believe that.” He choked back on the tears that were brimming in his eyes.

“Then why, Murph?Why?I loved you so much. I thought…I thought you felt the same. Why?” There went my composure. I don’t know when I started crying, just that I was. The tears were flowing, and I couldn’t stop them, andhonestly,I didn’t want to stop them. I kept my gaze down, twisting my hands together, trying to relieve some of the ache that felt physical even though I knew it wasn’t.

“Jesus, baby, please, look at me.”

I heard his heartbreak as it called to mine, and I found myself looking at him, seeing the exact same pain I was feeling reflected in him—and if possible, he lookedworse.

“It was never you; it wasme.I got so fucking caught up, and I don’t even have a good reason for it. That’s what sucks themost, you know? I was happy; I was so fucking happy. Then I started this new job,” he spat out in disgust. “My coworkers were the lowest of the low, drinking and doing drugs every weekend, cheating on their wives...”

I flinched at his words, but still hung on to them.

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