Page 33 of Recipes for Life

“I’ll do no such thing!” She did her best to cover the receiver, but I had already heard.

“No need, Mom, I heard it all.”

“What my darling husband, and your father, meant to say is that we support youandOdette.”

“I’m Team Odette.”Dad’s voice filtered through, and I honestly didn’t blame him one bit. Just knowing that my family had her back made me happy that she had someone in her corner.

“Noted. I’m hanging up now before Dad tells me where he plans on burying my body. See you guys tomorrow.”

Ending the call, I looked over at my current project and decided that was enough for the night. I'd turn in early and do my best not to let my excitement about tomorrow keep me up all night.

Chapter 23

Murphy

Sitting in Dr. Rold’s office while he opened his notebook and got his pen used to fill me with such a sense of dread, but now I felt oddly content and at peace. I’d originally found him because I had been soconfident, cockythat Odette would forgive me that I had found a therapist to help us with ourissues.I was so blinded to the fact thatIwas the one with the issues.

“It’s been a while since we’ve had to book you in for an appointment outside your normal schedule, Murphy.”

Dr. Rold was an older gentleman, who, when I first met him, reminded me of Santa. His hair and beard were completely white, but well kept; he was shorter and a bit overweight. But there was always something about him that put me completely at ease.

“It has been.”

He looked at me over the rims of his glasses, waiting patiently for me to continue as to why I had requested this session.

“Things have been…outside their normal.”

“Please elaborate.” He looked down at his notepad, made a small scribble, and then put his pen down and kept his focus totally trained on me.

“Lux got sick. I mean, she’d been sick before, but this time the school was unable to get a hold of Odette. They called me, I wentto get her, and Odette came over to pick her up. She saw the backyard...”

“Ah.” His eyes held that glint I was familiar with, knowing he wanted me to continue.

“She found out about the house, and now she has questions.”

“I bet she does.” He picked up his pen to make more notes. “You’ve waited a long time for this.”

“I know,” I whispered, a bit choked up. “I saw her on a date last night, and I had a panic attack.”

This caused his gaze to go from his notebook to me almost immediately. “You haven’t had one of those in years. Talk me through it.”

“I saw her with a man, and…all I could think about was how much it hurt seeing her eat dinner with someone else.I hated myself.”

“Why the self-hatred, Murphy?”

“Because, if I felt that amount of pain when we aren’t even together, it hit me all over again at how much pain she must have felt when she saw what I had done.” I hung my head in shame and could no longer keep the tears at bay, so I just let them fall freely. Dr. Rold had seen them many times before, and I was sure this wouldn’t be the last.

“I can’t help but hate myself. And if all I feel for myself is hatred, how could anyone else feel any differently? I’m unworthy...I’ll always be unworthy.”

“We’ve talked about this,” he half-scolded, but I could hear the sympathy that laced his voice—and it always set me on edge when I did. I didn’t deserveanyone’ssympathy, not now, not ever.

“I know, Doc, but it doesn’t mean I feel any differently.”

“Why don’t we go back to the time when you were having panic attacks often? Three years ago, wasn’t it?” he questioned me.

“You know it was, and I’d really rather not.”

Instead of saying anything, he just looked at me over his half-moon glasses—which only added to my Santa Clause theory—waiting for me to say something,anything.Doc was good at silence, and sometimes, the silence was exactly what I needed. When I first started coming here, I think we used to sit in silence at least twice a month.

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