Page 32 of Recipes for Life

I shook my head, too little too late. She deserved better than me, and I was content with whatever she offered me. Knowing she was happy, knowing she was taken care of and okay, was all I wanted and would need.

In this life, and the next.

My phone buzzed alerting me to the un-replied message.

Me:Now?

The three dots that popped up showing she was typing were only what I could imagine the first hit of nicotine for someone who was addicted to smoking, only I wasaddicted to Odette.

Odette:Nice try, Murph. Tomorrow?

Me:I have an appointment at four, I'll be home by six-thirty. I’ll get my mom to watch Lux, or Leon could watch her.

Odette:Preferably your mother can supervise Leon and Lux, considering last time he was left unattended he told her she should punch that boy in her class.

I couldn’t help but laugh. I could hear her smirk and teasing. I went to bed daydreaming about them and woke up in a sea full of never-ending numbness to dull the pain when I realized that was all they were,memories.

Me:Noted, Susan to babysit Leon and Lux. No problem.

Odette:See you at your place after work?

Me:See you then.

I quickly called my mom, not really caring how late it was—I needed to run this by her. Although, I had a sneaky feeling she would change whatever plans she had to make this happen.

She answered on the second ring. “Hello, dear, bit late for a chat, no?”

It took almost an entire year before my mother could even look at me without tears in her eyes after what had happened, and then almost six months for her to speak to me.

“Can you watch Lux tomorrow? Odette is coming over for dinner.”

Silence.Utter silence greeted me.

“Uh, Mom?”

“I’m sorry... Could you repeat that?”

“Can you watch Lux tomorrow? Odette is coming over for dinner.”

“You shut your mouth right now, Murphy,” she whisper-yelled at me.

“Mom!”

“Please tell me you didn’t blackmail her into having dinner with you. Please.”

I chuckled. “I solemnly swear I did not blackmail her into having dinner with me. We…we are just going to have a long, overdue talk.”

I heard a clattering of dishes and a barely concealed squeal. “This is fabulous, Murphy, absolutelyfabulous.You just bring Lux to me, don’t worry about anything. If she falls asleep here…”

“Mom, calm down. It’s just a conversation.”

Even though my mother was equally devastated and disappointed in me after what I’d done, she also saw the fallout I went through. She saw the weight loss, the disinterest in anything other than Lux. She still saw the self-hatred I felt whenever I looked in the mirror, and she wiped away her grown son’s tears whenever I couldn’t control my emotions during the holidays or when I missed out on important life events. She and Dad gave me the loan to leave my job and start my own woodworking business. She’s seen it all.

“Yes, but a conversation is a great start.”

“What the hell is all this yelling, darlin’?” I heard my dad in the background. I heard my mom shush him and explain, rather loudly, that I was meeting Odette for dinner tomorrow, so they were watching Lux.

“You tell him that’s great to hear, but if he hurts her again, I don’t care whose son he is, I’ll break his fucking kneecaps.” I heard the steps he took and his kiss on Mom’s cheek.

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