Page 29 of Recipes for Life

“You want her to leave me?”

“I want her to leave the person you’ve become. I want my son back, not whoever the fuck this is.”

I couldn’t breathe. The four doors of the car were closing in on me. She was going to leave me. It was over, it was over.

“Murphy? Murphy!” My dad’s voice sounded far away, but I could see his face right in front of mine, trying to bring me back to the current situation. But I didn’t want to be here; I wanted to be where she was. Why did I do what I did? Why did I give it all up? Who was I?

Dad must have grabbed a water bottle he had in the car because one second, I was lost to my thoughts, floating in a sea of pain and regret, and the next, I was looking at my dad, sputtering wet with a gaping hole in my chest where my heart used to be.

The following morning, I signed the papers, letting Odette go.

Sitting in my car, I did the exercise Dr. Rold had insisted I learn to bring myself out of my panic attacks if I should ever have one a bad one again. Name three things you can feel:the leather of the car, the seatbelt on my thigh, my sock has a hole in it.Name three things you can see:I see the clock on the dash reading 6:37 p.m., I see the takeout container turned upside down on the passenger side, I see the sun starting to set.

Feeling marginally better, I picked up my cell and dialed a number I knew by heart.

“Dr. Rold’s office, this is Norma speaking, how can I help you?”

“Hey, Norma, it’s Murphy Lake. I’d like to make an appointment for the next available opening.”

“Oh, dear.” Norma’s voice held a hint of concern. It had been a year or so since I needed to make an emergency appointment.

“Murphy, how does tomorrow at four work for you?”

“I’ll take it.”

“Take care, dear. See you tomorrow.”

I put the car into reverse and headed home.

Chapter 21

Odette

Driving home after my last date with Benji, I couldn’t help the guilt that seemed to be lingering around me lately. I felt like I should have ended things with Benji sooner, although he really didn’t seem too broken up about it.

I fought with myself mentally on the drive home. I couldn’t help but ask myself, was I being stupid? Murph had been my only other relationship besides Benji. Sure, I’d been physical with a few others, but that was it.I’d spent the last few years learning aboutmyselfinstead.

I liked getting lost in recipes and learning to cook; Ilovedyoga and my book club, which I never would have even considered trying before. I took a boxing class, and quickly figured out that wasnotfor me, as well as a few arts classes that I knew weren’t for me. When the teacher came over with a pinched look on her face and couldn’t even fake her way through a compliment, I knew it was better for everyone if I cut my losses. I tried it all: mountain biking, hiking, swimming classes, jewelry making. You name it, I tried it.

I’d never had the time, or honestly, themoneybefore when I was growing up, bouncing from foster family to foster family, to do those things, and I spent my first years of adulthood pregnant and then learning how to be a good mom for Lux. You’d think that would just come easy?Think again.

So why, when I had found all these new joys and hobbies, was I still feeling like I was missing something? I still felt like my smile was forced more often than not. It bothered me, and I couldn’t quite put my finger on what was missing, but the more time I had inside my head, it was glaringly obvious what I was missing.

Murphy.

Arriving home at the cottage, I couldn’t help the melancholy that was washing over me. I think I’d always known I felt like a piece of me was missing, and I'd been trying to fill it for the last few years. There must have been a particular look on my face because, not even ten seconds after I shut the front door, was Wynn crowding me.

“Are you okay? You look like you’ve seen better days.” She backed up so she could take me all in, rubbing my arm soothingly.

“Oh, yeah, it went…really well, actually. He… Well, Benji didn’t seem to mind much at all.” I shrugged.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, Odette.”

I looked at her, confused. She looked way more concerned about me than I thought was necessary, and I realized she thought I was upset over ending things with Benji.

“Wynn, I’m not upset over Benji. If anything, it should have happened a while ago.” “Oh. Well, why do you look like someone pissed in your Cheerios, then?”

“Where’s Lux? This isn’t a conversation for little ears.”

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